Things I have learned

I love footie pajamas,
So much that it is almost irrational,
I spend too much time watching tv,
And playing video games,
And not enough time walking my dog,
Whom has become my best friend,
I've developed fairly crippling social anxiety,
And have last so many connections,
I've been abused by a woman,
Even though I always told myself I would never let myself be,
I am somewhat a mom,
Even though I don't always feel like a good one,
I hate waking up to someone angry,
Ruins my entire day,
So many oddities within my own body,
Are entirely normal,
I have seasonal depression,
And am prone to irrational fits of rage,
I practically live off of chips and salsa,
And I want to learn Spanish,
I don't have conventional love,
I have a mutual partnership,
I have done so much damage to my joints,
That I will probably lose partial function of my right arm,
Connections are hard to get back,
I don't enjoy things I used to love,
Watching old performance videos still makes me cry,
I cry a lot less than I used to,
I also listen to much less music,
And have managed to get myself 10 grand in debt,
My car accident a year ago traumatized me all over again,
But I still feel comfortable in my camero,
I've gotten very good at being fake,
You kind of have to in a sales job,
I hate my job,
But it pays the bills,
I hold down two jobs without hesitation,
Because I don't always like to come home,
I used to hate being alone,
Now I kind of look forward to it,
A lot of myself has changed,
While a lot of what I used to hide,
Now has come to the surface aggressively,
A lot of the things you always quietly wondered about,
Can be fairly easily answered,
If you are comfortable enough with someone,
And you will learn,
They are pretty normal,
I don't read enough anymore,
And I don't write enough anymore,
I've also learned that all the thought I was thinking,
The ones that inspired me to write,
Are gone.

Past, Present, Future...

Days like this fuck with my head,
as much as I wish I could say they didn't
these days where I look back
at all the things i've said and done
the things i've experienced,
the people i've loved
all the little memories I still hold onto so tightly
i was asked today what made that one love so special
the reason why i say they were my first true love,
we all have those obsessive loves,
where we are young and foolish
and it is nothing but obsession,
but this my first real love,
that was so much more than a simple obsession,
plans to give everything up,
whispered secrets,
someone knowing you better than you ever thought possible,
knowing that you only need to say one word,
and they say everything you need to hear.
it makes me wonder if they realize how much they meant to me,
how much they still mean to me in a way...
Does she know that i'll never stop loving her completely,
that every once in a while my heart wrenches at the thought of not seeing her ever again
all of my past love/obsessions/people are elsewhere now,
but the distance only matters for one.
It's funny how I torment myself more than anyone knows,
deep inside this skull of mine,
with all these things from my past,
making my ribcage feel like it is collapsing,
but of course the best thing is,
She barely remembers I exist,
ain't that a bitch heh.
As conceited as this is,
i want to be someones world.
I want that kind of love,
i miss that kind of love...
i'm pathetic

grrr

That moment when you wait up late to talk to someone and they tell you they're just going to bed.

Ugh

People disgust me.
That is all.

period

I fucking hate the first day of my period,
at least that is what i'm blaming my mood on right now,
I feel so god damn alone,
and whiney ugh
I was so much more invested in her than i thought I was,
you don't realize it until they're gone.
all of my free time was spent with her.
there was always someone there to hold me at the end of the day,
i've grown so co-dependant that it's rediculous.
I feel lost with nothing to do when i'm alone.
I spend hours at work,
working when i'm not scheduled just because i have nothing else to do,
no imagination to think of anything,
the last time i decided to be spontanious and go somewhere it resulted in a fight
and a lost friend
I miss guard,
i wish i had a sabre to spin right now...
I really need to stop thinking about the past,
it isn't healthy for me.

Whelp...

Songs are the easiest way to sort through my thoughts now a days...

[Chorus - Rihanna:]Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Eminem]
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
Wait! Where you going?
"I'm leaving you"
No you ain't. Come back we're running right back.
Here we go again
It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who's that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Eminem]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills you used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, hit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em
So lost in the moments when you're in them
It's the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways
Guess if they don't know you 'cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window "pain"

[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

[Eminem]
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll lay my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna

[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Stories

It is interesting to look at my own life from the outside,
I have stopped dancing,
stopped being spontanious,
I feel like I need to go on an adventure,
I'm having a hard time coping with being alone...
I'm so used to someone being around,
even if it was unhealthy.
I've found myself pushing people away just like I used to,
falling back into old habits,
habits that were never good in the first place.
not limited to the fact that it's 4am and i'm still awake.
Or that i've thought about recontacting people from my past,
people that I know fuck with my head.
Sometimes I just feel so lost in my own life.
I'm not sure I know myself anymore,
not sure that I know who i am or what i want.
I've burned so many bridges.

I wonder what would happen if I turned off my phone and vanished.