I'm staying at my cousins until late in the day on the 1st,
I had to cancel my date,
I prolly wont get to see someone who is visiting that I really wanted to see,
my poor friends wont get any time with me,
ect,
but I do get to stay away from my mother,
who I must say,
is being EXTREMLY pissy lately,
and it's making me angry,
anyways,
i'm very excited,
another entire week away from the one who makes me angry a lot lately,
I also found out about something else that causes a lot of peace with me,
calms a lot of fears and things that have upsetted me,
but what is very strange,
I called my mother by her name instead of mom today,
I didn't even realise I had done it,
I also had a thought,
about my cousins house,
and how I think i feel like this is more of a home than anywhere else,
I dunno,
it's true though
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
I wonder...
This weekend has kind of made me wonder,
there are days where my mother will call me every 6-12 hours,
wanting to know what is going on,
where exactly I am,
who i'm with,
ect. ect. ect,
but i've come to notice,
that it is generally only when she has nothing else to do,
she worries and frets about me,
and gets angry that I don't call her to check in,
i've been gone for a couple days,
havn't called her,
and she hasn't called,
maybe it's because Fred and Korrynne are a good enough distraction,
or maybe it's because i'm at a family members house,
but it dosn't make sence,
I know she dosn't trust everyone in the house,
meh,
I could be over-reacting,
either way,
it dosn't really matter I guess,
i'm actually rather glad she is leaving me alone >.<
there are days where my mother will call me every 6-12 hours,
wanting to know what is going on,
where exactly I am,
who i'm with,
ect. ect. ect,
but i've come to notice,
that it is generally only when she has nothing else to do,
she worries and frets about me,
and gets angry that I don't call her to check in,
i've been gone for a couple days,
havn't called her,
and she hasn't called,
maybe it's because Fred and Korrynne are a good enough distraction,
or maybe it's because i'm at a family members house,
but it dosn't make sence,
I know she dosn't trust everyone in the house,
meh,
I could be over-reacting,
either way,
it dosn't really matter I guess,
i'm actually rather glad she is leaving me alone >.<
Christmas
Everyone says it is a time for giving,
thinking of others first for a change,
showing someone you care enough to think about them,
even if it is just something you make.
For the last couple years,
each year at the family party,
i've smiled and laughed along with everyone else,
making a point to myself that i'm not that materialistic,
always thinking I was just being selfish,
watching everyone else in the entire house open things,
I forced myself to believe I didn't care because I refused to be that selfish,
to be that materialistic,
but I realised something tonight,
Andy, Maggie and Aly,
they bought me a belt,
remembering that the last time I was here,
I had talked about needing a belt because I had none that i liked,
and my pants are always falling off my butt,
when they handed me the bag,
I began crying,
and I realised,
it wasn't that I wanted the gifts themselves,
I wanted my family to think about me enough to get something,
to think enough about me to see something and think me,
to just care that much,
and having everyone else be thought about enough,
even my mother,
made it feel like no one cared,
so when they got me something,
I couldn't help but cry,
really hard,
i'm starting again actually,
people wonder why I hate christmas sometimes,
or why i love coming to my cousins house so much,
I feel comfertable here,
relaxed,
thought about,
cared for,
they actually understand,
I think,
and even if that isn't the case,
i still feel like a real human being when i'm here,
unlike when i'm back in that fucking town of ours.
thinking of others first for a change,
showing someone you care enough to think about them,
even if it is just something you make.
For the last couple years,
each year at the family party,
i've smiled and laughed along with everyone else,
making a point to myself that i'm not that materialistic,
always thinking I was just being selfish,
watching everyone else in the entire house open things,
I forced myself to believe I didn't care because I refused to be that selfish,
to be that materialistic,
but I realised something tonight,
Andy, Maggie and Aly,
they bought me a belt,
remembering that the last time I was here,
I had talked about needing a belt because I had none that i liked,
and my pants are always falling off my butt,
when they handed me the bag,
I began crying,
and I realised,
it wasn't that I wanted the gifts themselves,
I wanted my family to think about me enough to get something,
to think enough about me to see something and think me,
to just care that much,
and having everyone else be thought about enough,
even my mother,
made it feel like no one cared,
so when they got me something,
I couldn't help but cry,
really hard,
i'm starting again actually,
people wonder why I hate christmas sometimes,
or why i love coming to my cousins house so much,
I feel comfertable here,
relaxed,
thought about,
cared for,
they actually understand,
I think,
and even if that isn't the case,
i still feel like a real human being when i'm here,
unlike when i'm back in that fucking town of ours.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
I think I might love guard a bit to much
1.You walk on step to all music you hear.
2.You spin pencils/pens/mops/brooms/pool cues, etc.
3.You have a drawer full of flag t-shirts.
4.You're constantly involved in fund raisers (wanna buy a candy bar?)
5.The term attitude has lost all meaning.
6.You know where every highschool in your circuit is located.
7.You are an expert at assembling backdrops.
8.When you hear a song you've done a routine to you get estatic.
9.When you hear a song by a group you used to get estatic.
10.You've seen 3:30 in the morning many times.
11.Seperate checks in a restaurant are the best thing to ever happen to you.
12.Your lucky if your instructor gets you name right.
13.You're considered lucky if your instructer noticed your haircut.
14.You know how to wrap your own bandages.
15.You have a flag calus on your right palm under your small finger.
16.You have a permanent rifle bruise on your left and right thumbs.
17.You have more inside jokes than any of your other friends.
18.You can smiles genuinly on command.
19.Your priorities are slightly askew.
20.You have an excuse for everything.
21.You can catch anything thrown at you.
22.You find yourself telling your friends to run for chewing gum.
23.You find yourself telling your friends to run for swearing.
24.Every song becomes a possible flag routine.
25.You know the perfect spot for a toss in your favorite songs.
26.Finals are a positive thing.
27.Your calluses are less stressful than practice.
28.You know that "one more time" never means one more time.
29.You can do your hair and make-up anywhere.
30.You can change into your uniform anywhere.
31.Someone who can throw a piece of wood 40ft in the air and catch it becomes your hero.
32.You find yourself designing flags/uniforms/drill in your classes.
33.You've missed more 4th periods than you've been to.
34.You can change, go to the bathroom, and go to your locker in 4.5 min.
35.You laugh like everyone else on your guard.
36.You use two hands to tell your left from your right.
37.You count all music to beats of 6 or 8.
38.You constantly watch t.v. dance shows for a good new move.
39.Watching a 1/2 show has become more then a leisure activity.
40.Leaving your seat at 1/2 time would be considered a sin.
41.You know how many people can be crammed into a minivan,
42.Lycra-spandex has become a permanent part of your closet.
43.You have never taken a dance class but you know more terms than in the foreign language you took.
44.The soles of your practice shoes have holes in them from doing to many terms.
45.You've left your house wearing things you swore you never would like hair curlers, spandex, 2 tons of makeup,etc.
46.You've been in a wrestler room when there were no wrestlers.
47.You've been in a guys locker room when there were no guys in it.
48.Getting a sip of water is considered an act of love and kindness from your instructor.
49.You find yourself critqueing every parade you see.
50.Caravans are run like well oiled machinery.
51.You will not consider anything over $5 dinner while at a competition.
52.The bandroom becomes your home away from home.
53.You become your own pharmacist.
54.Anyone who carries fem. products becomes your best friend.
55.You know how many teenage girls you can fit in a hotel room.
56.You know how to manage 9 girls and 1 bathroom.
57.You wish they offered time/money/stress management in school.
58.You wish they offered nap time in school.
59.The term battle of the sexes has been turned into battle of the bands/guards.
60.You can mock all other bands/guards quite well.
61.4 1/2 hours of sleep before a competition is considered lucky.
62.You know what jell-o arms and legs feel like.
63.You've considered dating a band/percussion member or have dated one.
64.Your parents know of more h.s. now than when they wer in h.s.
65.Asking your parents for money has reached the extreme.
66.Having your show finished the day before your first competiton/performance is considered lucky.
67.You know nothing is ever definite.
68.There's no such thing as a "summer vacation".
69.The smell of sun screen makes you think of band camp.
70.Getting 2 new uniforms a year is a rarity.
71.You're the last people to hear about the pep rally and the first the perform at them.
72.Coming home before 4:30pm on a weekday almost never happens.
73.You've spent more money on flags than you have on your college education.
74.You've never worked so hard for a chunk of wood w/some metal on it (trophey).
75.You never could teach your dog to fetch cause everything you throw you have to catch yourself.
76.No matter how good your guard is you still get the smallest coverage in the yearbook.
77.The keds sales lady knows you personly.
78.The school nurse knows you and your parents by name.
79.You know what a fulcrum is.
80.Your guard has developed its own language.
81.You know that if you try something wierd it might just end up in your show.
82.Your school locker is an uncharted area to you.
83.The term democracy is not in your vocabulary.
84.You try more stunts than the cheerleaders.
85.You learn to love your instructer when you see other guards shows and uniforms.
86.You went to every school football game but never paid for one.
87.Your nails have never extended beyond your finger tips.
88.You know what's significant about June 14th (if not look at your calender).
89.You know wheather you've passed your limit or not.
90.You know how to bend any rule.
91.You've never actually watched a football game.
92.You can get any teacher to sympathize w/you and let you off for that missing assignment.
93.You say guard halt when you want your friends to stop.
94.You have had more pics taken of you than any of your friends.
95.Your personl best is 60 push ups in one day.
96.You can arm wrestle any band/chorus/drama/cheerleading member and win.
97.You have electrical tape in your back pack.
98.You have a screwdriver in your back pack.
99.You have hit yourself in the head w/a flag/rifle/sabre more times than you would like to think about or can think about!
100.Your friends have had to sedate you for using a measuring stick and/or musical insturment bow to practice sabre blade tosses.
101.You walk in step with your guard friends.
102.You can talk about practically anything at practice and competitons no matter who's around.
103.When you hear "learn this" while you picking up your stuff.
104.You march to the back ground music in the mall.
105.You jazz walk/run at home, school, mall, etc..
106. You do split leaps down every hall you come to.
107.Every time you find a bruise/scrape on yourself, you automatically know you got it at a guard rehearsal.
108.You've used up all the white out covering up the marks on the ceiling/wall from the rifle you WEREN'T spinnning in the house...and need more.
109.You cheer louder than the cheerleaders at football games.
110.When you are together so much (because of practice or just getting together) that you all get your period at the same time!
111. When your instructor feels she has enough on the job training to look for a 2nd job as a hairstylist/makeup artist to supplement her income during the summer
112.When all your "outside the guard" friends roll their eyes and whisper not again, as u talk about how cool ur show is, and how u manage to "nail" ur tosses everytime.
113.When you can drop spin and carry on a conversation, and jazz step all at the same time, with out even thinking about it.
114.When you point your toes in your sleep.
115.When you get teary eyed when you have to put your saber down so you can eat dinner.
116. When Colorguard is practically all you talk about!
117.When your colorguard friends is all you talk to.
118. When you spend 10-15 hours of your day practicing on spinning!
119.When you spend all your free time looking at band related websites.
120. When you look at the websites of other bands in your area just to get the inside info on their show.
121. Your out of guard friends have heard so much about guard, they are almost pros at it!
122. when you''ve left more bruises on band members (especially the drumline!) than on yourself, and are proud of it!
123.Your friends notice bruises on you and you didn't even know that they were there!
124. When it becomes a game to see how many patches and buttons fit on a letter jacket
125. When you don't own any socks that don't have holes in them
126. When the only age that matters is 22
127. When you have one giant brown grass spot in the backyard from practicing so much
128. When stadium nachos and hot dogs are a delicacy
129. When not wearing underwear for fear of pantylines is a constant thing
130. When you have 4 tan lines-tee shirt, gloves, shorts, and socks
131. When the words 'one more time' really means 15 more
132. When gatorade, cheeseballs, and fruit loops is the breakfast of champions
133. When you fold the floor more times than your laundry
134. When the gym/football feild is your second home
135. When styrofoam flats are your favorite hiding place
136. When spaceburgers make sense
137. When you can see yourself trying to make your make-up darker
138. When nike blush checks are a fashion statement
139. When your speed dial consists of your captain, director, and show writer
140. When you forget how to count above 8
141. You make up routines in your head to songs on the radio
142. When you have 6 different uniforms in your closet
143. When you try and guess the height of the guard by the size of the pole
144. When you have a roll of duct tape next to your bed
145. When school nachos actually taste good
146. When you have 10 silks folded in your garage
147. When the blisters on your blisters don't hurt anymore
148. When you look for flags in commercials that show bands
149. When you own a copy of every show you've ever done 150. When band music actually begins to sound good
150. When you pay way too much money for a video from a guard competition
151. When you refuse to date outside the band
152. Life? What's that?
153. When you always step off on the left foot
154. When you see the guard more than your family
155. You have 2 rifles and sabres. One for practice and one for performance
156. When you name your equipment
157. When the only song you have stuck in your head is your marching show from 2 years ago
158. When you glide step in the mall
159. When you begin to look good in show make-up
160. When your senior ring lives on your necklace
161. When you break a bone and still insist that you can march (even if on crutches)
162. When you still spend the same amount of time with your band after you graduate
163. You only go to football games to see the halftime shows
164. you find yourself switching feet to get back on-step while walking through the mall
165.When you name all your bruises.
166. When getting dressed up to go to school means wearing what you'll have wear to practice that night.
167. When riding in sections to a football game is the biggest dilemma of the day.
168. When you catch yourself spinning your pencil in Algebra class.
169. When all your teachers and classmates have seen your guard videos at least twice.
170. When your classmates roll their eyes at you for talking about the band, yet again.
171. When everyone knows that you are in guard by the t-shirts you wear.
172. When you show up for everything at least 15 minutes early(even parties).
173. When you wake up in the morning and put your dot book or drill charts on not thinking.
174. When you wear your hair slicked back every where you go.
175. When the people at Home Depot know you by name.
176. When vending machine food becomes gormet.
177. you have had the words "left! right! left! right!" repeatedly screamed at you and you are not in the army
178. You permanently project to the press box wheather that meant the top of the six foot tall basketball player in front of you's head or the top of the doorway
179. You toss your flag even when they're 50 m.p.h. winds
180. When you choose a college for the colorguard and winterguard directors and programs
181. you have hit yourself in the head so many times, not only can you not count, it doesn't even hurt any more
182.when the local Denny's is you second home, but only because you spend more time at school
183.When you always have to walk in step, even if they aren't in colorguard
184.When you go to see other school's football games just to see their colorguard, and who you're up against.
185.When you in your loud english class your teacher yells, "Attention" and you look forward and sit up straight and don't make eye contact with anyone.
186.You love rainy days, because it gives you a chance to spin (your umbrella) in school (And show off too!)
187.Your unguard friends know that you're almost never available to go out
188.You jump up and down when you hear a song that a guard once did
189.Guard tape is the best thing that has happened since sliced bread
190.Guard tape fixes everything
191.When the "can i have 5 extra mins" turns into a midnight practice
192.When you find yourself dancing everywhere
193.When there is more holes in the school hall way where you practice then Swiss cheese
194.When you have more gay friends then straight
195.When getting new members is the most exciting thing that happened to you
196.When you have seen the same WGI or DCI tape a thousand times and still enjoy it
197.When you pick out thing in the same tapes
198.You listen to the judges tapes more then the radio
199.When you don't think anything of bare feet in the snow
200.When the only jacket you own has the name of your guard on it
201.When you practice more then the band that can only play the star spangled banner
202.When you look forward to getting new gloves
203.When you love the black stain from the new gloves
204.When you are told this is so hard you really walk 5 steps
205.When stretches are your favorite part of the day
206.When you have a song for everything that has happened
207.You know how to sleep with the your music on 10 and the bus going 60mph
208.You take over guys bathrooms b/c the girls is too full
209.Changing in front of guys doesn't phase you anymore
210.You have see more skin from the same sex then the opposite
211.You can talk about "your body" with easy
212.When it all seem to be a soap opera with ups and downs
213.When you work at a bingo hall
214.When you miss some one you saw 5 mins ago
215.You see the same people all day everyday
216.The closest group you have every been in
217.When you spend more time with the guard then your own family
218.When you have practice 5 days a week and enjoy every second
219.You know all of your friends by their last names or a name that is completely awkward to others and they wouldn't be caught dead calling anyone that...
220. You have been in a guys locker room when there WERE guys in it!
221.. Your friends have heard about your routine so much that they can probably get out on the field and do your routine with you!
222. You have dated every guy in the band, and are starting to wonder what life would be like if there wasn't marching band!
223. You have become so accustomed to waking up at 5 am that you do it when you don't have to. (Saturdays, Sundays, days w/ no school or marching practice.)
224. You can march your show in your sleep
225.You say the pledge of alligience to YOUR flag
226. Seeing how fast you can fold the floor becomes your primary form of entertainment
227.You find it easier to fall asleep in a van along with seven other girls than in your own bed
228.While your non-guard friend sleep with tedy bears and other various stuffed animals, you sleep with your flag, rifle, and/or sabre
229.If your room is covered with good luck signs.
230.If you have gotten a black eye from doing a toss!
231.If you catch your self doing air flag while walking down the hallway or while you are sleeping!
232.If you think you will die when the season is over.
233.When you are doing a horizontal toss and you know that it won't make it too far and it smacks you in the face.
234.You own more stretch pants and tank tops then you do regular clothes.
235.When you make a website dedicated to guard.
236.When you have prayed all season for a break before the next season, be it colorguard or winterguard, then you spend the whole thing crying, cause your muscles aren't used to resting for that long.
237.When your boyfriend has been to as many practices and games as you have!
238.When you like wearing your uniform.
239.When people ask you about your social life and you say "Oh, you mean my flag.
240.When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
241.When you can show up to practice in your pajamas and dripping wet and no one notices.
242.When jazz running no longer reminds you of ballet.
243.When "armed guard" means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
244.When you see your section more than your family.
245.When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
246.When numbers past 8 aren't important.
247.When you'd rather practice than read the list.
248. You have more bruises, scars, and injuries than a military solider
249. Your teacher makes you write on the board, "I will not spin in class" fifty times.
250. You find yourself watching your spring show routine from freshman year thinking was I ever that bad?
251. Automatically you know what the captain is going to say and you do it before anyone else (most of the time)
252. Weekends are forever lost to practice
253. When you ask "What is summer vacation?"
254. When you stand at parade attention to say the pledge to the flag at school
255. When you can do drop-spins at any tempo with ANYTHING (penciles, forks, brooms, air)
256. When you actually like to watch the Thankgiving day parade for the bands, not those stupid balloons
257. When you can do splits in gurdles
258. When you are rivles with all the chearleaders
259. The funny smell in the guard room in no longer noticeable to you
260. The only nail polish you wear in the winter is clear or none at all
261. When there is a possiblity it will snow, and your competition will be cancelled, you pray that it won't snow
262. When you spend all your money at competitions on guard shirts, boxers, etc. instead of food
263. You can mimick all the annoucers in your circuit
264. Have a dresser dedicated to guard unitards socks pantyhouse and silks
265. You go to the mall to try to find something new to make your rifle colorful
266. The Home Depot (Hardware store) is you favorite place to shop.
267. All your screen names have something to do with Color Guard.
268. You've eaten out more then anyone you know.
269. You anylize every song you hear for Winter Gaurd Standards.
270. You always have to find the perfect Drill Team song, and you go crazy when
you finally find one. 271. Your boyfriend owns more Color Guard shirts then the store that sells them.
272. You own every cd that contains a song used at a Winter Guard show.
273. Your non-guard friends think you're crazy becuase you've always got songs that they've never heard of stuck in your head.
274. Your Boyfriend has a copy of your schedule hanging in his room.
275. You've used the word "FRESHMAN!" more then a billion times.
276. Your guard instructor invites you to preform at her wedding.
277. You critique migrating geese on how straight their diagonals are!
278. You mark time in the shower(or whenever standing still.
279. You hear "this isn't K-mart we don't like/want 'sails'" more than once a week.
280.The phrase water break has a whole new meaning.
281. You are the only one to have a screwdriver handy during any season.
282. You find many new uses for a sabre
283. Your best friend becomes a six foot pole and three foot silk
284. Your phrase becomes this isn't we don't like sales
285. You spend your lunch period trying to break into the guard room just so you can spin your equiptment
286. Getting locked in the band's coat box is an honor
287. Being friends w/ anyone outside of the band just seems unnormal
288. You listen to your guard tapes as you fall asleep
289. Your family knows your entire show, inside and out
290. You get a shock from leaving the band room b/c the air is so CLEAN
291. You arrive at the school on the days you have practice so early that the school isn't even open
292. When your instructor says rehearsal is at six, you are there by five thirty or you are LATE
293.When you meet your friends places you are always half an hour early
294.. When you have no problem at all telling one of the members of your guard that they smell and they are not offended
295. When pit stains are cool
296. When your little sister plays with, touches, or even LOOKS at your weapon, you jump on her like a lion on a mouse
297. You've got a certain section of your wardrobe labeled "Guard Clothes" that you'd never be caught dead in anywhere but practice.
298. You go into Home Depot and ask for flag tape.
299. Electrical tape is used for everything (ie. labeling cabinets, putting up posters, fixing your flag bag, etc.)
300.You know you are in winterguard when you watch local basketball games on tv and can rememeber what shows you did there and how well you did. And exactly what the gym looks like
2.You spin pencils/pens/mops/brooms/pool cues, etc.
3.You have a drawer full of flag t-shirts.
4.You're constantly involved in fund raisers (wanna buy a candy bar?)
5.The term attitude has lost all meaning.
6.You know where every highschool in your circuit is located.
7.You are an expert at assembling backdrops.
8.When you hear a song you've done a routine to you get estatic.
9.When you hear a song by a group you used to get estatic.
10.You've seen 3:30 in the morning many times.
11.Seperate checks in a restaurant are the best thing to ever happen to you.
12.Your lucky if your instructor gets you name right.
13.You're considered lucky if your instructer noticed your haircut.
14.You know how to wrap your own bandages.
15.You have a flag calus on your right palm under your small finger.
16.You have a permanent rifle bruise on your left and right thumbs.
17.You have more inside jokes than any of your other friends.
18.You can smiles genuinly on command.
19.Your priorities are slightly askew.
20.You have an excuse for everything.
21.You can catch anything thrown at you.
22.You find yourself telling your friends to run for chewing gum.
23.You find yourself telling your friends to run for swearing.
24.Every song becomes a possible flag routine.
25.You know the perfect spot for a toss in your favorite songs.
26.Finals are a positive thing.
27.Your calluses are less stressful than practice.
28.You know that "one more time" never means one more time.
29.You can do your hair and make-up anywhere.
30.You can change into your uniform anywhere.
31.Someone who can throw a piece of wood 40ft in the air and catch it becomes your hero.
32.You find yourself designing flags/uniforms/drill in your classes.
33.You've missed more 4th periods than you've been to.
34.You can change, go to the bathroom, and go to your locker in 4.5 min.
35.You laugh like everyone else on your guard.
36.You use two hands to tell your left from your right.
37.You count all music to beats of 6 or 8.
38.You constantly watch t.v. dance shows for a good new move.
39.Watching a 1/2 show has become more then a leisure activity.
40.Leaving your seat at 1/2 time would be considered a sin.
41.You know how many people can be crammed into a minivan,
42.Lycra-spandex has become a permanent part of your closet.
43.You have never taken a dance class but you know more terms than in the foreign language you took.
44.The soles of your practice shoes have holes in them from doing to many terms.
45.You've left your house wearing things you swore you never would like hair curlers, spandex, 2 tons of makeup,etc.
46.You've been in a wrestler room when there were no wrestlers.
47.You've been in a guys locker room when there were no guys in it.
48.Getting a sip of water is considered an act of love and kindness from your instructor.
49.You find yourself critqueing every parade you see.
50.Caravans are run like well oiled machinery.
51.You will not consider anything over $5 dinner while at a competition.
52.The bandroom becomes your home away from home.
53.You become your own pharmacist.
54.Anyone who carries fem. products becomes your best friend.
55.You know how many teenage girls you can fit in a hotel room.
56.You know how to manage 9 girls and 1 bathroom.
57.You wish they offered time/money/stress management in school.
58.You wish they offered nap time in school.
59.The term battle of the sexes has been turned into battle of the bands/guards.
60.You can mock all other bands/guards quite well.
61.4 1/2 hours of sleep before a competition is considered lucky.
62.You know what jell-o arms and legs feel like.
63.You've considered dating a band/percussion member or have dated one.
64.Your parents know of more h.s. now than when they wer in h.s.
65.Asking your parents for money has reached the extreme.
66.Having your show finished the day before your first competiton/performance is considered lucky.
67.You know nothing is ever definite.
68.There's no such thing as a "summer vacation".
69.The smell of sun screen makes you think of band camp.
70.Getting 2 new uniforms a year is a rarity.
71.You're the last people to hear about the pep rally and the first the perform at them.
72.Coming home before 4:30pm on a weekday almost never happens.
73.You've spent more money on flags than you have on your college education.
74.You've never worked so hard for a chunk of wood w/some metal on it (trophey).
75.You never could teach your dog to fetch cause everything you throw you have to catch yourself.
76.No matter how good your guard is you still get the smallest coverage in the yearbook.
77.The keds sales lady knows you personly.
78.The school nurse knows you and your parents by name.
79.You know what a fulcrum is.
80.Your guard has developed its own language.
81.You know that if you try something wierd it might just end up in your show.
82.Your school locker is an uncharted area to you.
83.The term democracy is not in your vocabulary.
84.You try more stunts than the cheerleaders.
85.You learn to love your instructer when you see other guards shows and uniforms.
86.You went to every school football game but never paid for one.
87.Your nails have never extended beyond your finger tips.
88.You know what's significant about June 14th (if not look at your calender).
89.You know wheather you've passed your limit or not.
90.You know how to bend any rule.
91.You've never actually watched a football game.
92.You can get any teacher to sympathize w/you and let you off for that missing assignment.
93.You say guard halt when you want your friends to stop.
94.You have had more pics taken of you than any of your friends.
95.Your personl best is 60 push ups in one day.
96.You can arm wrestle any band/chorus/drama/cheerleading member and win.
97.You have electrical tape in your back pack.
98.You have a screwdriver in your back pack.
99.You have hit yourself in the head w/a flag/rifle/sabre more times than you would like to think about or can think about!
100.Your friends have had to sedate you for using a measuring stick and/or musical insturment bow to practice sabre blade tosses.
101.You walk in step with your guard friends.
102.You can talk about practically anything at practice and competitons no matter who's around.
103.When you hear "learn this" while you picking up your stuff.
104.You march to the back ground music in the mall.
105.You jazz walk/run at home, school, mall, etc..
106. You do split leaps down every hall you come to.
107.Every time you find a bruise/scrape on yourself, you automatically know you got it at a guard rehearsal.
108.You've used up all the white out covering up the marks on the ceiling/wall from the rifle you WEREN'T spinnning in the house...and need more.
109.You cheer louder than the cheerleaders at football games.
110.When you are together so much (because of practice or just getting together) that you all get your period at the same time!
111. When your instructor feels she has enough on the job training to look for a 2nd job as a hairstylist/makeup artist to supplement her income during the summer
112.When all your "outside the guard" friends roll their eyes and whisper not again, as u talk about how cool ur show is, and how u manage to "nail" ur tosses everytime.
113.When you can drop spin and carry on a conversation, and jazz step all at the same time, with out even thinking about it.
114.When you point your toes in your sleep.
115.When you get teary eyed when you have to put your saber down so you can eat dinner.
116. When Colorguard is practically all you talk about!
117.When your colorguard friends is all you talk to.
118. When you spend 10-15 hours of your day practicing on spinning!
119.When you spend all your free time looking at band related websites.
120. When you look at the websites of other bands in your area just to get the inside info on their show.
121. Your out of guard friends have heard so much about guard, they are almost pros at it!
122. when you''ve left more bruises on band members (especially the drumline!) than on yourself, and are proud of it!
123.Your friends notice bruises on you and you didn't even know that they were there!
124. When it becomes a game to see how many patches and buttons fit on a letter jacket
125. When you don't own any socks that don't have holes in them
126. When the only age that matters is 22
127. When you have one giant brown grass spot in the backyard from practicing so much
128. When stadium nachos and hot dogs are a delicacy
129. When not wearing underwear for fear of pantylines is a constant thing
130. When you have 4 tan lines-tee shirt, gloves, shorts, and socks
131. When the words 'one more time' really means 15 more
132. When gatorade, cheeseballs, and fruit loops is the breakfast of champions
133. When you fold the floor more times than your laundry
134. When the gym/football feild is your second home
135. When styrofoam flats are your favorite hiding place
136. When spaceburgers make sense
137. When you can see yourself trying to make your make-up darker
138. When nike blush checks are a fashion statement
139. When your speed dial consists of your captain, director, and show writer
140. When you forget how to count above 8
141. You make up routines in your head to songs on the radio
142. When you have 6 different uniforms in your closet
143. When you try and guess the height of the guard by the size of the pole
144. When you have a roll of duct tape next to your bed
145. When school nachos actually taste good
146. When you have 10 silks folded in your garage
147. When the blisters on your blisters don't hurt anymore
148. When you look for flags in commercials that show bands
149. When you own a copy of every show you've ever done 150. When band music actually begins to sound good
150. When you pay way too much money for a video from a guard competition
151. When you refuse to date outside the band
152. Life? What's that?
153. When you always step off on the left foot
154. When you see the guard more than your family
155. You have 2 rifles and sabres. One for practice and one for performance
156. When you name your equipment
157. When the only song you have stuck in your head is your marching show from 2 years ago
158. When you glide step in the mall
159. When you begin to look good in show make-up
160. When your senior ring lives on your necklace
161. When you break a bone and still insist that you can march (even if on crutches)
162. When you still spend the same amount of time with your band after you graduate
163. You only go to football games to see the halftime shows
164. you find yourself switching feet to get back on-step while walking through the mall
165.When you name all your bruises.
166. When getting dressed up to go to school means wearing what you'll have wear to practice that night.
167. When riding in sections to a football game is the biggest dilemma of the day.
168. When you catch yourself spinning your pencil in Algebra class.
169. When all your teachers and classmates have seen your guard videos at least twice.
170. When your classmates roll their eyes at you for talking about the band, yet again.
171. When everyone knows that you are in guard by the t-shirts you wear.
172. When you show up for everything at least 15 minutes early(even parties).
173. When you wake up in the morning and put your dot book or drill charts on not thinking.
174. When you wear your hair slicked back every where you go.
175. When the people at Home Depot know you by name.
176. When vending machine food becomes gormet.
177. you have had the words "left! right! left! right!" repeatedly screamed at you and you are not in the army
178. You permanently project to the press box wheather that meant the top of the six foot tall basketball player in front of you's head or the top of the doorway
179. You toss your flag even when they're 50 m.p.h. winds
180. When you choose a college for the colorguard and winterguard directors and programs
181. you have hit yourself in the head so many times, not only can you not count, it doesn't even hurt any more
182.when the local Denny's is you second home, but only because you spend more time at school
183.When you always have to walk in step, even if they aren't in colorguard
184.When you go to see other school's football games just to see their colorguard, and who you're up against.
185.When you in your loud english class your teacher yells, "Attention" and you look forward and sit up straight and don't make eye contact with anyone.
186.You love rainy days, because it gives you a chance to spin (your umbrella) in school (And show off too!)
187.Your unguard friends know that you're almost never available to go out
188.You jump up and down when you hear a song that a guard once did
189.Guard tape is the best thing that has happened since sliced bread
190.Guard tape fixes everything
191.When the "can i have 5 extra mins" turns into a midnight practice
192.When you find yourself dancing everywhere
193.When there is more holes in the school hall way where you practice then Swiss cheese
194.When you have more gay friends then straight
195.When getting new members is the most exciting thing that happened to you
196.When you have seen the same WGI or DCI tape a thousand times and still enjoy it
197.When you pick out thing in the same tapes
198.You listen to the judges tapes more then the radio
199.When you don't think anything of bare feet in the snow
200.When the only jacket you own has the name of your guard on it
201.When you practice more then the band that can only play the star spangled banner
202.When you look forward to getting new gloves
203.When you love the black stain from the new gloves
204.When you are told this is so hard you really walk 5 steps
205.When stretches are your favorite part of the day
206.When you have a song for everything that has happened
207.You know how to sleep with the your music on 10 and the bus going 60mph
208.You take over guys bathrooms b/c the girls is too full
209.Changing in front of guys doesn't phase you anymore
210.You have see more skin from the same sex then the opposite
211.You can talk about "your body" with easy
212.When it all seem to be a soap opera with ups and downs
213.When you work at a bingo hall
214.When you miss some one you saw 5 mins ago
215.You see the same people all day everyday
216.The closest group you have every been in
217.When you spend more time with the guard then your own family
218.When you have practice 5 days a week and enjoy every second
219.You know all of your friends by their last names or a name that is completely awkward to others and they wouldn't be caught dead calling anyone that...
220. You have been in a guys locker room when there WERE guys in it!
221.. Your friends have heard about your routine so much that they can probably get out on the field and do your routine with you!
222. You have dated every guy in the band, and are starting to wonder what life would be like if there wasn't marching band!
223. You have become so accustomed to waking up at 5 am that you do it when you don't have to. (Saturdays, Sundays, days w/ no school or marching practice.)
224. You can march your show in your sleep
225.You say the pledge of alligience to YOUR flag
226. Seeing how fast you can fold the floor becomes your primary form of entertainment
227.You find it easier to fall asleep in a van along with seven other girls than in your own bed
228.While your non-guard friend sleep with tedy bears and other various stuffed animals, you sleep with your flag, rifle, and/or sabre
229.If your room is covered with good luck signs.
230.If you have gotten a black eye from doing a toss!
231.If you catch your self doing air flag while walking down the hallway or while you are sleeping!
232.If you think you will die when the season is over.
233.When you are doing a horizontal toss and you know that it won't make it too far and it smacks you in the face.
234.You own more stretch pants and tank tops then you do regular clothes.
235.When you make a website dedicated to guard.
236.When you have prayed all season for a break before the next season, be it colorguard or winterguard, then you spend the whole thing crying, cause your muscles aren't used to resting for that long.
237.When your boyfriend has been to as many practices and games as you have!
238.When you like wearing your uniform.
239.When people ask you about your social life and you say "Oh, you mean my flag.
240.When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
241.When you can show up to practice in your pajamas and dripping wet and no one notices.
242.When jazz running no longer reminds you of ballet.
243.When "armed guard" means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
244.When you see your section more than your family.
245.When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
246.When numbers past 8 aren't important.
247.When you'd rather practice than read the list.
248. You have more bruises, scars, and injuries than a military solider
249. Your teacher makes you write on the board, "I will not spin in class" fifty times.
250. You find yourself watching your spring show routine from freshman year thinking was I ever that bad?
251. Automatically you know what the captain is going to say and you do it before anyone else (most of the time)
252. Weekends are forever lost to practice
253. When you ask "What is summer vacation?"
254. When you stand at parade attention to say the pledge to the flag at school
255. When you can do drop-spins at any tempo with ANYTHING (penciles, forks, brooms, air)
256. When you actually like to watch the Thankgiving day parade for the bands, not those stupid balloons
257. When you can do splits in gurdles
258. When you are rivles with all the chearleaders
259. The funny smell in the guard room in no longer noticeable to you
260. The only nail polish you wear in the winter is clear or none at all
261. When there is a possiblity it will snow, and your competition will be cancelled, you pray that it won't snow
262. When you spend all your money at competitions on guard shirts, boxers, etc. instead of food
263. You can mimick all the annoucers in your circuit
264. Have a dresser dedicated to guard unitards socks pantyhouse and silks
265. You go to the mall to try to find something new to make your rifle colorful
266. The Home Depot (Hardware store) is you favorite place to shop.
267. All your screen names have something to do with Color Guard.
268. You've eaten out more then anyone you know.
269. You anylize every song you hear for Winter Gaurd Standards.
270. You always have to find the perfect Drill Team song, and you go crazy when
you finally find one. 271. Your boyfriend owns more Color Guard shirts then the store that sells them.
272. You own every cd that contains a song used at a Winter Guard show.
273. Your non-guard friends think you're crazy becuase you've always got songs that they've never heard of stuck in your head.
274. Your Boyfriend has a copy of your schedule hanging in his room.
275. You've used the word "FRESHMAN!" more then a billion times.
276. Your guard instructor invites you to preform at her wedding.
277. You critique migrating geese on how straight their diagonals are!
278. You mark time in the shower(or whenever standing still.
279. You hear "this isn't K-mart we don't like/want 'sails'" more than once a week.
280.The phrase water break has a whole new meaning.
281. You are the only one to have a screwdriver handy during any season.
282. You find many new uses for a sabre
283. Your best friend becomes a six foot pole and three foot silk
284. Your phrase becomes this isn't we don't like sales
285. You spend your lunch period trying to break into the guard room just so you can spin your equiptment
286. Getting locked in the band's coat box is an honor
287. Being friends w/ anyone outside of the band just seems unnormal
288. You listen to your guard tapes as you fall asleep
289. Your family knows your entire show, inside and out
290. You get a shock from leaving the band room b/c the air is so CLEAN
291. You arrive at the school on the days you have practice so early that the school isn't even open
292. When your instructor says rehearsal is at six, you are there by five thirty or you are LATE
293.When you meet your friends places you are always half an hour early
294.. When you have no problem at all telling one of the members of your guard that they smell and they are not offended
295. When pit stains are cool
296. When your little sister plays with, touches, or even LOOKS at your weapon, you jump on her like a lion on a mouse
297. You've got a certain section of your wardrobe labeled "Guard Clothes" that you'd never be caught dead in anywhere but practice.
298. You go into Home Depot and ask for flag tape.
299. Electrical tape is used for everything (ie. labeling cabinets, putting up posters, fixing your flag bag, etc.)
300.You know you are in winterguard when you watch local basketball games on tv and can rememeber what shows you did there and how well you did. And exactly what the gym looks like
I remember when...
Remember when...
getting high meant swinging at the playground.
The worst thing you could get from girls was cooties.
Your worst enemies were your siblings.
Race issues were who ran the fastest.
War was a card game.
The only drug you knew of was cough medicine.
Wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut.
The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike.
The only thing that hurt was skinned knees & elbows.
The only things that can get broken were your toys.
Life was simple and care free,
but what I remember the most,
was wanting to grow up.
getting high meant swinging at the playground.
The worst thing you could get from girls was cooties.
Your worst enemies were your siblings.
Race issues were who ran the fastest.
War was a card game.
The only drug you knew of was cough medicine.
Wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut.
The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike.
The only thing that hurt was skinned knees & elbows.
The only things that can get broken were your toys.
Life was simple and care free,
but what I remember the most,
was wanting to grow up.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Old Secrets. New Explinations.
1. Sometimes I wish he would just hate me.
2. I am extremly jealous of him, him, and him.
3. I look back to see if she has posted any bulletins on myspace.
4. I've never been as good a kid as my mom thinks I am.
5. I only ever put up even a small fight to the first person who tried to do that to me, I just let the others.
6. I wish so badly that I could just say the right thing all the time.
7. I've never ever been happy with who I am.
8. I want to be for her what he is for her.
9. I wish I wasn't a lesbian.
10. I am an attention seeker.
11. A couple times I have questioned my sexuality but deep down I know that I can never be with a guy and be happy.
12. I change myself to make someone like me no matter how hard I try not to, so I have been looking for someone who's outline fits the real me. I've found two people but I can't have either of them, maybe time will change that for you though, I can only hope.
13. I don't think I love her anymore.
14. I've only ever loved two people, I still promise her that I loved her even though I didn't.
15. Sometimes I want to die just to see how people will react.
16. I am really good at finding ways to tell someone the truth... just not the whole truth, but in the way I say it makes it the truth even if it dosn't include everything.
17. I have lied to absolutley everyone I know.
18. I am extremly uncomfterble with saying the words 'I love you'
19. It is getting harder and harder to fight down the side of me that likes to cause pain.
20. I can't get her out of my head, even though I said I would keep her in the back of my mind, the things in the back of my mind tend to be the things I think about most.
21. I am working really hard to stop lieing to certian people, and they don't even know i've lied to them.
22. I really dislike the numbers 3 and 7.
23. I can't help but not trust people, you can't tell if someone is lieing, I always doubt that people like me.
24. I am extremly insecure.
25. I can't help but be angry with her for breaking her promise.
1. This was to Caleb, I still wish sometimes he would hate me, but at the same time being his 'friend' allowes me to find out things that keep other people from getting hurt more or hurt at all. Besides, I hit him a lot, my own way of a sort of small payback for Allie.
2. I don't remember who these refer to, probably Korey, Jamie's boy whos name I can't remember right now and I dunno who else.
3. This was to Allie, I used to look back to see if she had posted any new things so i could learn more about her
4. This is self explanitory really.
5. This is something I've never admitted to anyone, though i will say that I began fighting my stap-father at the end, I'm glad I ended it by myself.
6. I really do, I feel like I drive people away because sometimes I just say stupid things that I don't mean, and I want to impress some specific people
7. It's true, there are to many things I do, or habits that i have, or urges that I act or don't act on, that make me far to unhappy with the kind of person i am.
8. This was directed towords allie when Korey and her were dating and he was able to be at her house to talk for hours or just to talk to period, I wanted to be the one she told everything, not him.
9. Sometimes i really do, and now i'm not even sure if I really am, being straight would just make life so much easier.
10. And I hate it, but at the same time I don't, my attention seeking works, and I love it, except when i don't want it, it is all still there and I don't udnerstand it untill i remind myself that I brought it all on myself.
11. Okay so I thought that I would never be happy, i think it is a fear that keeps me unhappy about it honestly, the fear of those 5 males in my past. Any fear that i have that they might be the reason I can't be with a guy or don't feel comfertable with it just pisses me off.
12. This is pretty self explanitory as well, there are three now though, Jamie (kinda) Allie and Megan.
13. This is towords Jamie, and I don't love her, not like that at least.
14. Jamie and Laura, or at least what I feel is love, it may not be, it may be, but I don't like talking about love much anymore. I promised Kt I loved her, but it wasn't the same, i'll never tell her the truth.
15. Self explanitory as well, I think at some point in most peoples life, they wonder the same thing.
16. I really am, and still am, I try not to do it as much, but I still do.
17. Some of them were tiny petty lies that didn't mean anything, some of them I told the truth as soon as I said it, but it was still a lie, and i've still lied to absolutley everyone, Allie is the one i've lied least to though, i told the truth about 2 seconds after i had lied, it was just stupid, me saying i was taking a picture, when i was taking a video, but it still counts
18. I think many people are honestly, i fear that i don't mean it when I do say it because i'm almost never sure if i do.
19. Luckily that isn't as true anymore, it is still there, it is still part of me, probably always will be, and sometimes I let it loose, but it isn't struggling to become me anymore
20. This was to allie, and at the time I couldn't, for a long time I didn't think i would get over her, but it slowly faded, there is still something there, nothing I intend to act on or is really even big enough to mention, someday it may come back to me, maybe it wont, who knows, but i'm just happy that we are still friends after all this and that I can protect her from Caleb and hit him occasionally for her.
21. This is still true, i'm doing better, but there are new people
22. I don't know what this means anymore
23. I'm also getting better at this, I doubt I will ever get over it because it is a logical fear, but it dosn't control me anymore
24. Not as much anymore, but for some things, more so
25. This was to Allie, i'm not angry anymore, but I think it was more hurt, that she had promised she wouldn't give up, I had just wanted it to work, but it didn't, I don't care that it didn't anymore, i just hope whoever gets her, deserves her.
As you can probably tell, i wrote these secrets down back when i still liked Allie, but a lot has changed.
2. I am extremly jealous of him, him, and him.
3. I look back to see if she has posted any bulletins on myspace.
4. I've never been as good a kid as my mom thinks I am.
5. I only ever put up even a small fight to the first person who tried to do that to me, I just let the others.
6. I wish so badly that I could just say the right thing all the time.
7. I've never ever been happy with who I am.
8. I want to be for her what he is for her.
9. I wish I wasn't a lesbian.
10. I am an attention seeker.
11. A couple times I have questioned my sexuality but deep down I know that I can never be with a guy and be happy.
12. I change myself to make someone like me no matter how hard I try not to, so I have been looking for someone who's outline fits the real me. I've found two people but I can't have either of them, maybe time will change that for you though, I can only hope.
13. I don't think I love her anymore.
14. I've only ever loved two people, I still promise her that I loved her even though I didn't.
15. Sometimes I want to die just to see how people will react.
16. I am really good at finding ways to tell someone the truth... just not the whole truth, but in the way I say it makes it the truth even if it dosn't include everything.
17. I have lied to absolutley everyone I know.
18. I am extremly uncomfterble with saying the words 'I love you'
19. It is getting harder and harder to fight down the side of me that likes to cause pain.
20. I can't get her out of my head, even though I said I would keep her in the back of my mind, the things in the back of my mind tend to be the things I think about most.
21. I am working really hard to stop lieing to certian people, and they don't even know i've lied to them.
22. I really dislike the numbers 3 and 7.
23. I can't help but not trust people, you can't tell if someone is lieing, I always doubt that people like me.
24. I am extremly insecure.
25. I can't help but be angry with her for breaking her promise.
1. This was to Caleb, I still wish sometimes he would hate me, but at the same time being his 'friend' allowes me to find out things that keep other people from getting hurt more or hurt at all. Besides, I hit him a lot, my own way of a sort of small payback for Allie.
2. I don't remember who these refer to, probably Korey, Jamie's boy whos name I can't remember right now and I dunno who else.
3. This was to Allie, I used to look back to see if she had posted any new things so i could learn more about her
4. This is self explanitory really.
5. This is something I've never admitted to anyone, though i will say that I began fighting my stap-father at the end, I'm glad I ended it by myself.
6. I really do, I feel like I drive people away because sometimes I just say stupid things that I don't mean, and I want to impress some specific people
7. It's true, there are to many things I do, or habits that i have, or urges that I act or don't act on, that make me far to unhappy with the kind of person i am.
8. This was directed towords allie when Korey and her were dating and he was able to be at her house to talk for hours or just to talk to period, I wanted to be the one she told everything, not him.
9. Sometimes i really do, and now i'm not even sure if I really am, being straight would just make life so much easier.
10. And I hate it, but at the same time I don't, my attention seeking works, and I love it, except when i don't want it, it is all still there and I don't udnerstand it untill i remind myself that I brought it all on myself.
11. Okay so I thought that I would never be happy, i think it is a fear that keeps me unhappy about it honestly, the fear of those 5 males in my past. Any fear that i have that they might be the reason I can't be with a guy or don't feel comfertable with it just pisses me off.
12. This is pretty self explanitory as well, there are three now though, Jamie (kinda) Allie and Megan.
13. This is towords Jamie, and I don't love her, not like that at least.
14. Jamie and Laura, or at least what I feel is love, it may not be, it may be, but I don't like talking about love much anymore. I promised Kt I loved her, but it wasn't the same, i'll never tell her the truth.
15. Self explanitory as well, I think at some point in most peoples life, they wonder the same thing.
16. I really am, and still am, I try not to do it as much, but I still do.
17. Some of them were tiny petty lies that didn't mean anything, some of them I told the truth as soon as I said it, but it was still a lie, and i've still lied to absolutley everyone, Allie is the one i've lied least to though, i told the truth about 2 seconds after i had lied, it was just stupid, me saying i was taking a picture, when i was taking a video, but it still counts
18. I think many people are honestly, i fear that i don't mean it when I do say it because i'm almost never sure if i do.
19. Luckily that isn't as true anymore, it is still there, it is still part of me, probably always will be, and sometimes I let it loose, but it isn't struggling to become me anymore
20. This was to allie, and at the time I couldn't, for a long time I didn't think i would get over her, but it slowly faded, there is still something there, nothing I intend to act on or is really even big enough to mention, someday it may come back to me, maybe it wont, who knows, but i'm just happy that we are still friends after all this and that I can protect her from Caleb and hit him occasionally for her.
21. This is still true, i'm doing better, but there are new people
22. I don't know what this means anymore
23. I'm also getting better at this, I doubt I will ever get over it because it is a logical fear, but it dosn't control me anymore
24. Not as much anymore, but for some things, more so
25. This was to Allie, i'm not angry anymore, but I think it was more hurt, that she had promised she wouldn't give up, I had just wanted it to work, but it didn't, I don't care that it didn't anymore, i just hope whoever gets her, deserves her.
As you can probably tell, i wrote these secrets down back when i still liked Allie, but a lot has changed.
Friday, December 21, 2007
You are all a bunch of contradictions
I'm a lesbian,
yet i'm spending the night at a homophobic persons house
one of my closest friends is extremely racist against Mexicans,
yet is really good friends with someone who is hispanic,
I couldn't help but burst out laughing when Angela looked me dead in the eye and said,
"You are all a bunch of contradictions",
Jenny joined in saying that "we are all oxymorons",
still laughing I yelled,
"you two are oxymorons,
i'm just",
then I paused trying to think of something,
when Angela piped up and said,
"A lesbian?"
I just yelled,
"YEAH",
and couldn't help but burst out laughing again,
I don't know why i'm writing this out,
it just seemed interesting,
oh,
I went to the choir and band concert today,
there was a sing along,
I must point out that I only knew 1/3 of the songs,
and I found out the band has collectively a damn good singing voice,
I was surprised.
yet i'm spending the night at a homophobic persons house
one of my closest friends is extremely racist against Mexicans,
yet is really good friends with someone who is hispanic,
I couldn't help but burst out laughing when Angela looked me dead in the eye and said,
"You are all a bunch of contradictions",
Jenny joined in saying that "we are all oxymorons",
still laughing I yelled,
"you two are oxymorons,
i'm just",
then I paused trying to think of something,
when Angela piped up and said,
"A lesbian?"
I just yelled,
"YEAH",
and couldn't help but burst out laughing again,
I don't know why i'm writing this out,
it just seemed interesting,
oh,
I went to the choir and band concert today,
there was a sing along,
I must point out that I only knew 1/3 of the songs,
and I found out the band has collectively a damn good singing voice,
I was surprised.
Urraco
So I've discovered,
that sitting in the big squishy chairs,
drinking hot chocolate,
and reading a gook book,
for a good hour or so,
isn't as strange,
or as awkward as I thought it would be,
it actually made me feel good,
which is very strange,
it was good to break out of the norm,
though I must say,
my cup holder didn't have the urraco stamp on it like it usually does,
it was strangely disappointing,
oh well,
I still have the crooked one at home,
heh,
I think I am going to have to make a habit of repeating this action,
I love how stepping into Urraco feels like stepping out of Shelton,
that shop really dosn't fit the flow of this town,
I love it.
that sitting in the big squishy chairs,
drinking hot chocolate,
and reading a gook book,
for a good hour or so,
isn't as strange,
or as awkward as I thought it would be,
it actually made me feel good,
which is very strange,
it was good to break out of the norm,
though I must say,
my cup holder didn't have the urraco stamp on it like it usually does,
it was strangely disappointing,
oh well,
I still have the crooked one at home,
heh,
I think I am going to have to make a habit of repeating this action,
I love how stepping into Urraco feels like stepping out of Shelton,
that shop really dosn't fit the flow of this town,
I love it.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Sister
I realized tonight,
that my sister may be the softest,
most vounerable thing about me.
I spend almost an hour crying today,
because she was brought up,
and actually talked about for once.
I found out that someone I know talks to her.
Typing this now even I can feel a pressure behind my eyes.
I just want to curl up agenced someone and fall asleep.
Or just lay there and mumble to eachother.
Something.
This sounds absolutley pathetic,
but I feel like I need someone else.
I hate feeling so relient.
It makes me to vounerable,
to weak.
God I miss her.
I don't even know how long it will be til I talk to her.
... or if I ever will be able to.
that my sister may be the softest,
most vounerable thing about me.
I spend almost an hour crying today,
because she was brought up,
and actually talked about for once.
I found out that someone I know talks to her.
Typing this now even I can feel a pressure behind my eyes.
I just want to curl up agenced someone and fall asleep.
Or just lay there and mumble to eachother.
Something.
This sounds absolutley pathetic,
but I feel like I need someone else.
I hate feeling so relient.
It makes me to vounerable,
to weak.
God I miss her.
I don't even know how long it will be til I talk to her.
... or if I ever will be able to.
random access
I no longer feel comfertable in my own skin.
Thankfully it isn't the nagging, itching, horrendus feeling I used to have.
But this time it feels so much more permanent.
To much of the same thing.
No taste or hint of escape.
My own unwillingness or laziness standing in the way just as much as anything else.
I really need to work on myself.
Thankfully it isn't the nagging, itching, horrendus feeling I used to have.
But this time it feels so much more permanent.
To much of the same thing.
No taste or hint of escape.
My own unwillingness or laziness standing in the way just as much as anything else.
I really need to work on myself.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
screaming silently...
my throat aches from the screams I'm not screaming
my eyes sting from the tears I'm not crying
my tongue is swollen from the words I'm not saying
my chest is empty from the breaths I'm not breathing
my fingers are twitchy from the people I'm not touching
my lips are quivering from the kisses I haven't given
my feet are aching from the steps I haven't taken
my mind is racing from the things that I'm thinking
my stomach is sick from the things I'm not eating
my muscles are tense from the things I'm holding in
my voice box is bursting from the things I'm not yelling
my hands are shaking from the falls I haven't taken
my heart is twitching from the nightmares I'm not telling
...
my body is rebelling from the things I'm not doing.
my eyes sting from the tears I'm not crying
my tongue is swollen from the words I'm not saying
my chest is empty from the breaths I'm not breathing
my fingers are twitchy from the people I'm not touching
my lips are quivering from the kisses I haven't given
my feet are aching from the steps I haven't taken
my mind is racing from the things that I'm thinking
my stomach is sick from the things I'm not eating
my muscles are tense from the things I'm holding in
my voice box is bursting from the things I'm not yelling
my hands are shaking from the falls I haven't taken
my heart is twitching from the nightmares I'm not telling
...
my body is rebelling from the things I'm not doing.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Please Don't Kill The Freshman by Zoe Trope
'Enough of my philosophical rambling. Okay, that's a lie. Sometimes I'm sick of loving everyone. I'm sick of being the one people depend on. I'm sick of depenging on people. I care so much the skin under my fingernails bleeds and turns black, but I am rarely held, recognized, encouraged. Soemtimes lonliness makes me more vauge and cryptic'
I kind of want to sit down at the coffee shop and read this book.
And no,
not because she is there.
I would actually prefer her not be working there when I did it.
Just to assure that she,
nor anyone else,
would think I was doing it because she is there.
Then again.
I don't want to worry about what everyone else thinks i'm doing.
After all,
it is the only coffee shop in town other than stands.
I think i'm going to do that when I get a way into town.
Maybe mom will take me in on Monday next week or something,
is that place even open on Mondays?
Even if it isn't,
all the better.
That place has really good hot chocolate.
I kind of want to sit down at the coffee shop and read this book.
And no,
not because she is there.
I would actually prefer her not be working there when I did it.
Just to assure that she,
nor anyone else,
would think I was doing it because she is there.
Then again.
I don't want to worry about what everyone else thinks i'm doing.
After all,
it is the only coffee shop in town other than stands.
I think i'm going to do that when I get a way into town.
Maybe mom will take me in on Monday next week or something,
is that place even open on Mondays?
Even if it isn't,
all the better.
That place has really good hot chocolate.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
There are actually a lot of things that make me smile...
Mostly memories,
like...
Back when I was in track,
I was at school wearing my sweats,
and I pulled my head and arms in,
and pulled my legs into the hoodie,
and rolled around the field like that,
and rolled around the gym like that.
Also,
another time waiting for track practice with friends,
there was only maybe 4 of us in the gym,
what we did was we spun around in circles for a while,
until we got really really dizzy,
and then we would take off running!
we ended up running into walls,
into eachother,
and falling all over ourselves,
possibly one of my favorite memories.
Or back in cross country when I had this baby blue bra with feathers on it,
I had forgotten we had a meet that day and wore it,
and when I put my uniform on,
the feathers hung out of it and made bumps,
I ended up having to just run without a bra,
you know,
I never got it back from the friend I had hold onto it for me.
Oh,
and sneaking a friend of mine out of her math class on the second to last day of my sophmore year,
I had a friend go in a tell the teacher that the office needed her,
she hates her math class.
That time in 4th grade when our class had a 'trial',
and I was the defendants attourny,
and we actually won!
OR,
back in 8th grade when I used to be late to 4th period every day becayse I would hang around the 9th graders lunch,
when Saon and I would always run to eachother,
hug,
and fall down on the floor.
...
I miss how life used to be sometimes.
I want to make more good memories,
not ones of fighting,
and being anxious all the time,
but of playing,
being carefree for a little bit,
even sad memories are better than these stress filled ones i'm making,
where I feel split in two about almost everything,
I feel like i'm being turned into a skitzoid by my own friends and family!
Make it stop!
ugh.
I'm going to reminice with myself for a while of the good memories now.
like...
Back when I was in track,
I was at school wearing my sweats,
and I pulled my head and arms in,
and pulled my legs into the hoodie,
and rolled around the field like that,
and rolled around the gym like that.
Also,
another time waiting for track practice with friends,
there was only maybe 4 of us in the gym,
what we did was we spun around in circles for a while,
until we got really really dizzy,
and then we would take off running!
we ended up running into walls,
into eachother,
and falling all over ourselves,
possibly one of my favorite memories.
Or back in cross country when I had this baby blue bra with feathers on it,
I had forgotten we had a meet that day and wore it,
and when I put my uniform on,
the feathers hung out of it and made bumps,
I ended up having to just run without a bra,
you know,
I never got it back from the friend I had hold onto it for me.
Oh,
and sneaking a friend of mine out of her math class on the second to last day of my sophmore year,
I had a friend go in a tell the teacher that the office needed her,
she hates her math class.
That time in 4th grade when our class had a 'trial',
and I was the defendants attourny,
and we actually won!
OR,
back in 8th grade when I used to be late to 4th period every day becayse I would hang around the 9th graders lunch,
when Saon and I would always run to eachother,
hug,
and fall down on the floor.
...
I miss how life used to be sometimes.
I want to make more good memories,
not ones of fighting,
and being anxious all the time,
but of playing,
being carefree for a little bit,
even sad memories are better than these stress filled ones i'm making,
where I feel split in two about almost everything,
I feel like i'm being turned into a skitzoid by my own friends and family!
Make it stop!
ugh.
I'm going to reminice with myself for a while of the good memories now.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
This isn't even remotely a good feeling.
There are a few things that I have learned that really bother me.
I have only been to a handful of towns in my life.
This bugs the hell out of me.
If you know a lot about my tendencies,
and about how my mind works even a little.
You should understand why.
Also,
Any time I get shown the situation with a younger and older sister.
It makes me remember far to much.
Think far to much.
I don't even know if i've told you,
(the first person I gave this link to)
about my sister.
I don't remember what all i've told you really.
Oh,
the 12 year old will be gone when I get home tomrrow.
So will everyone else.
But they are dropping her off back home.
I wont see her again for a while.
I have my room back.
And in a week the season will start up finally.
Mom and I both think that things will be much better with her gone,
and me out of the house more.
Last night we left.
We were sick of him being a drunken idiot.
He wouldnt leave me alone when I was in my room crying.
When he told me to look at him I said no.
So instead of just crying then calming down,
he upset me more and drove me to doing the breathing thing.
Mom saw red.
So after everything that had been going on.
We left.
We went into town and stayed the night at moms friends house.
(whom said we could stay there any time,
i could go there whenever I needed to
and she would even come get me)
We ended up going back today.
But not until he said he would stop with the hard liquor.
Which is what makes him such an asshole drunk.
Mom finally told him how much I hate being around him when he is drunk.
When he is drunk.
He honestly disgusts me.
To the point where I don't want to talk to him.
Don't want to look at him.
Don't even want him to touch me.
Which is why I always try and leave when I know he is going to get drunk.
I just want this next week to get over with so I can go to band camp.
Once the season starts.
And school starts.
I will see my friends,
be out of the house,
and have much less time to over-think things.
I'm pretty sure things will be a lot better then.
I really want to pull my act together this year...
It is kinda late in the game to do this.
But it is better than just giving up.
Or to continue with getting C's and D's
I have only been to a handful of towns in my life.
This bugs the hell out of me.
If you know a lot about my tendencies,
and about how my mind works even a little.
You should understand why.
Also,
Any time I get shown the situation with a younger and older sister.
It makes me remember far to much.
Think far to much.
I don't even know if i've told you,
(the first person I gave this link to)
about my sister.
I don't remember what all i've told you really.
Oh,
the 12 year old will be gone when I get home tomrrow.
So will everyone else.
But they are dropping her off back home.
I wont see her again for a while.
I have my room back.
And in a week the season will start up finally.
Mom and I both think that things will be much better with her gone,
and me out of the house more.
Last night we left.
We were sick of him being a drunken idiot.
He wouldnt leave me alone when I was in my room crying.
When he told me to look at him I said no.
So instead of just crying then calming down,
he upset me more and drove me to doing the breathing thing.
Mom saw red.
So after everything that had been going on.
We left.
We went into town and stayed the night at moms friends house.
(whom said we could stay there any time,
i could go there whenever I needed to
and she would even come get me)
We ended up going back today.
But not until he said he would stop with the hard liquor.
Which is what makes him such an asshole drunk.
Mom finally told him how much I hate being around him when he is drunk.
When he is drunk.
He honestly disgusts me.
To the point where I don't want to talk to him.
Don't want to look at him.
Don't even want him to touch me.
Which is why I always try and leave when I know he is going to get drunk.
I just want this next week to get over with so I can go to band camp.
Once the season starts.
And school starts.
I will see my friends,
be out of the house,
and have much less time to over-think things.
I'm pretty sure things will be a lot better then.
I really want to pull my act together this year...
It is kinda late in the game to do this.
But it is better than just giving up.
Or to continue with getting C's and D's
Sunday, August 12, 2007
I feel like the lowest of the low.
I really do feel like shit.
I feel sick.
But it's more emotionally.
I finally admitted something to myself tonight.
And by doing that.
I admitted that almost a year of my life was a complete lie.
And I played with someones heart terribly.
But to try and fix that mistake.
I will never tell that person what I admitted to myself.
I really do feel like a scum bag.
I also put something else in words that i havn't been able to do yet.
And I don't think i'll ever be able to tell anyone other than who I told tonight.
Especially not the person it's about.
I just couldn't I don't think.
But I fucking hate keeping secrets from some specific people.
They know who they are.
But I will say this.
Though I don't think I could tell you about this.
I still wont lie.
I kind of want to talk to you about it a little.
But I don't think I can actually tell it to you.
You know who you are because you know for a fact that I havn't lied to you.
I don't know if I can sleep tonight.
I don't think I can face my dreams.
And i'm at someone elses house which is going to make this very hard.
And that fact alone makes me feel even worse.
Since her mom just woke up.
I feel sick.
But it's more emotionally.
I finally admitted something to myself tonight.
And by doing that.
I admitted that almost a year of my life was a complete lie.
And I played with someones heart terribly.
But to try and fix that mistake.
I will never tell that person what I admitted to myself.
I really do feel like a scum bag.
I also put something else in words that i havn't been able to do yet.
And I don't think i'll ever be able to tell anyone other than who I told tonight.
Especially not the person it's about.
I just couldn't I don't think.
But I fucking hate keeping secrets from some specific people.
They know who they are.
But I will say this.
Though I don't think I could tell you about this.
I still wont lie.
I kind of want to talk to you about it a little.
But I don't think I can actually tell it to you.
You know who you are because you know for a fact that I havn't lied to you.
I don't know if I can sleep tonight.
I don't think I can face my dreams.
And i'm at someone elses house which is going to make this very hard.
And that fact alone makes me feel even worse.
Since her mom just woke up.
Friday, August 10, 2007
I like being a spur of the moment person.
I like doing things because I want to,
not because I have to.
I like doing things that most people havn't done,
or that some people find meaningless.
Have you ever layed out in the middle of a road for two hours in the middle of the night?
Or cut the tops off glowsticks and had a fight with it at night so you could see who got hit?
Gone swinging in the middle of the night?
Swimming at a pitch black swiming hole at midnight?
Walked to the store in the dark just because you could?
Dropped everything you were doing to run outside in all your clothes when it was raining?
Sat on a roof and stared at the stars?
Watched the sunset all the way through?
Stayed up all night just because you wanted to see the sunrise?
Talked to someone you just met for hours and hours on the phone just for the sake of talking and meeting someone new?
Hugged a stranger not just to be wierd?
Walked around for hours at night, not actually going anywhere?
Searched all over town for a place that serves steamed clams just becuase suddenly you craved them?
Spent 20$ on junk food and eaten it all the same night with a friend just because you felt like it?
Got up and left just because you could and wanted to?
Like I said.
I like being a spur of the moment person.
I like to be able to say i've done these things.
I'm the type of person who will park her car and go climbing up a hill,
or running through the fields,
or woods,
along the side of the road.
Just because I happened to look out the window and got the urge.
I'm the type of person to get up and leave for a week, and just drive without a map, then half way through the week buy one and find out how to get back or where the hell I am.
I'm the type of person who will show up at your window at the wierdest most random times and ask you to go somewhere just for the sake of doing something.
And at the same time i'm the type of person who will sit and read for hours.
The one who will drive you somewhere you need to go, or to come get you at the last seconds notice.
Why not?
I like being un-predictable.
So why not?
not because I have to.
I like doing things that most people havn't done,
or that some people find meaningless.
Have you ever layed out in the middle of a road for two hours in the middle of the night?
Or cut the tops off glowsticks and had a fight with it at night so you could see who got hit?
Gone swinging in the middle of the night?
Swimming at a pitch black swiming hole at midnight?
Walked to the store in the dark just because you could?
Dropped everything you were doing to run outside in all your clothes when it was raining?
Sat on a roof and stared at the stars?
Watched the sunset all the way through?
Stayed up all night just because you wanted to see the sunrise?
Talked to someone you just met for hours and hours on the phone just for the sake of talking and meeting someone new?
Hugged a stranger not just to be wierd?
Walked around for hours at night, not actually going anywhere?
Searched all over town for a place that serves steamed clams just becuase suddenly you craved them?
Spent 20$ on junk food and eaten it all the same night with a friend just because you felt like it?
Got up and left just because you could and wanted to?
Like I said.
I like being a spur of the moment person.
I like to be able to say i've done these things.
I'm the type of person who will park her car and go climbing up a hill,
or running through the fields,
or woods,
along the side of the road.
Just because I happened to look out the window and got the urge.
I'm the type of person to get up and leave for a week, and just drive without a map, then half way through the week buy one and find out how to get back or where the hell I am.
I'm the type of person who will show up at your window at the wierdest most random times and ask you to go somewhere just for the sake of doing something.
And at the same time i'm the type of person who will sit and read for hours.
The one who will drive you somewhere you need to go, or to come get you at the last seconds notice.
Why not?
I like being un-predictable.
So why not?
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
What can I do...?
I hate break-ups.
I hate Lonely-ness.
I hate helpless-ness.
I hate regret.
I hate wondering.
I hate fighting.
I hate heartbreak.
I hate the look one someones face.
I hate being the one doing it.
I hate having it done to me.
I hate losing close friends.
I hate lies.
I hate promises.
Sometimes I even hate myself.
I hate my dreams.
I hate how I can't control my body feeling tired.
I hate finishing a book.
I hate being lost.
I hate all my mistrust.
I hate the feeling of sickness in my stomach.
I hate that I can't listen to those songs without getting sick or feeling pain.
I hate that one person can hurt another so badly with a simple action.
I hate thinking about the future.
I hate that I have so much hate in me.
I hate that I feel so lost.
I hate how desperate I can be.
I hate that I simply CANNOT help but mistrust.
I hate the jealousy I feel.
I hate the envy i feel.
I hate the fact that I have given up on some things.
I hate looking into their eyes.
I hate being forced to speak.
I hate that my body forces me to smile.
I hate the longing.
I hate how my head turns when I go there no matter what I do.
I hate the curiosity that pulls me to things I know I shouldn't go near.
I hate my own stupidity.
I FUCKING HATE that I hate so much.
I want to be rid of the anger that comes up so much more often.
I'm tired of feeling lost.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of hating.
I'm tired of holding grudges.
I'm tired of watching them walk away.
I'm tired of feeling like this.
But what do I do?
I hate Lonely-ness.
I hate helpless-ness.
I hate regret.
I hate wondering.
I hate fighting.
I hate heartbreak.
I hate the look one someones face.
I hate being the one doing it.
I hate having it done to me.
I hate losing close friends.
I hate lies.
I hate promises.
Sometimes I even hate myself.
I hate my dreams.
I hate how I can't control my body feeling tired.
I hate finishing a book.
I hate being lost.
I hate all my mistrust.
I hate the feeling of sickness in my stomach.
I hate that I can't listen to those songs without getting sick or feeling pain.
I hate that one person can hurt another so badly with a simple action.
I hate thinking about the future.
I hate that I have so much hate in me.
I hate that I feel so lost.
I hate how desperate I can be.
I hate that I simply CANNOT help but mistrust.
I hate the jealousy I feel.
I hate the envy i feel.
I hate the fact that I have given up on some things.
I hate looking into their eyes.
I hate being forced to speak.
I hate that my body forces me to smile.
I hate the longing.
I hate how my head turns when I go there no matter what I do.
I hate the curiosity that pulls me to things I know I shouldn't go near.
I hate my own stupidity.
I FUCKING HATE that I hate so much.
I want to be rid of the anger that comes up so much more often.
I'm tired of feeling lost.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of hating.
I'm tired of holding grudges.
I'm tired of watching them walk away.
I'm tired of feeling like this.
But what do I do?
Monday, August 6, 2007
I hate this but I wont say it aloud.
I need to write this out.
But I wont actually say it.
All it will do if I say it is upset my mother more.
She is happy.
But i'm not.
The last few days since i've been home from camp i've grown to hate it here.
Okay,
hate is a strong word.
I really do despise being here so much.
I don't like having a 12 year old in the same room as me.
I don't like having him thinking he has control over my mother and I.
I don't like all the arguing.
I don't like him being an asshole.
I don't like that he goes days without uttering a word to me then complains to my mother about how i'm a 'spoiled brat'.
Today...
His daughter ran out of the kitchen when I was just walking in to do the dishes and she called my mother mom...
I can usually control myself better,
but what I did was answer the question she asked me,
walked into the kitchen,
and started crying.
It hit me so hard.
That someone other than my blood brother was calling her mom...
It's hard to even look at her after she called my mom that.
I resent it.
I am trying so hard not to.
But I can't help but just feel so much resentment.
Towords everyone in this goddamn house!
I have been leaving every chance I get.
I am looking forward to band camp mostly because I wont be here.
But I am scared...
Scared because he will be there.
And scared because I'm afraid that the band will become more my family than my own family.
I've already lost my sister.
My father hasn't spoken to me in almost 6 months.
I've tried to contact him more than once.
He has my new numbers.
He could get ahold of me at any time but he dosn't.
My brother said maybe two sentances to me the last time he was here from the other state he lives in.
Just thinking about all this i'm about to cry again.
But the 12 year old is in the room and would ask me about it.
It is easier to just hold it in and not explain.
When I cry,
the whole goddamn house finds out and they bug me until I tell them why.
I hate it.
That I really do hate.
I don't know...
I just felt like I needed to write this all out since I wont say it to my family.
And the only people I will say it to I havn't really talked to in almost two weeks.
I still don't get it.
Why couldn't I stop myself from crying when she called her mom...
Ugh.
I'm going to go read for a long while.
And keep my cell next to me.
But I wont actually say it.
All it will do if I say it is upset my mother more.
She is happy.
But i'm not.
The last few days since i've been home from camp i've grown to hate it here.
Okay,
hate is a strong word.
I really do despise being here so much.
I don't like having a 12 year old in the same room as me.
I don't like having him thinking he has control over my mother and I.
I don't like all the arguing.
I don't like him being an asshole.
I don't like that he goes days without uttering a word to me then complains to my mother about how i'm a 'spoiled brat'.
Today...
His daughter ran out of the kitchen when I was just walking in to do the dishes and she called my mother mom...
I can usually control myself better,
but what I did was answer the question she asked me,
walked into the kitchen,
and started crying.
It hit me so hard.
That someone other than my blood brother was calling her mom...
It's hard to even look at her after she called my mom that.
I resent it.
I am trying so hard not to.
But I can't help but just feel so much resentment.
Towords everyone in this goddamn house!
I have been leaving every chance I get.
I am looking forward to band camp mostly because I wont be here.
But I am scared...
Scared because he will be there.
And scared because I'm afraid that the band will become more my family than my own family.
I've already lost my sister.
My father hasn't spoken to me in almost 6 months.
I've tried to contact him more than once.
He has my new numbers.
He could get ahold of me at any time but he dosn't.
My brother said maybe two sentances to me the last time he was here from the other state he lives in.
Just thinking about all this i'm about to cry again.
But the 12 year old is in the room and would ask me about it.
It is easier to just hold it in and not explain.
When I cry,
the whole goddamn house finds out and they bug me until I tell them why.
I hate it.
That I really do hate.
I don't know...
I just felt like I needed to write this all out since I wont say it to my family.
And the only people I will say it to I havn't really talked to in almost two weeks.
I still don't get it.
Why couldn't I stop myself from crying when she called her mom...
Ugh.
I'm going to go read for a long while.
And keep my cell next to me.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
I feel like I need to write, or talk, or run, or something!
I'm not exactly sure what about,
but it will come as I ramble on,
So guard camp was amazing.
We had an hour and a half of dance class each night
an hour and a half of rifle or sabre
and an hour and a half of flag,
each day.
Woke up at 7am.
Oh,
we went on hikes every day.
The first one was over 4 miles all together.
I learned a lot.
And made a bunch of new friends.
Had a gay boy think I was stalking him.
It was quite interesting.
And I fell down a large gravel hill.
And dropped my flag on my bare foot.
Ended up bursting a vein in my foot by doing that.
It's all bruised and green since it is hard for me to bruise.
oh and someone in my cabin looked at me after i said i had big dogs,
(she knows me from last year)
and said 'thats so dyke, i love it!'
I laughed so hard.
It was all around amazing.
And there was no cell reception so I wasnt bothered with the drama of life.
The first night we all slept at the highschool.
Very amazing.
Took them over a half hour to wake me up.
I was apparently poked with a sabre,
beat with pillows,
sat on,
got my sleeping bag jerked off me,
had luggage laid on me
all in an attempt to wake me up.
It was quite entertaining.
Oh and all of the rhapsody members that were at camp know me as a cluts now.
Because of the whole falling down the hill thing.
Anyways,
Him and mom got into a fight today.
And I fought with him as well.
When he left I went into the living room and turned his music all the way down since he always leaves it all the way up.
When he got home he came into my room and asked who turned it down.
So when I said he did he got pissy and said next time i was gone he would shut down my computer.
I told him to go ahead.
When he left my room he cranked his music,
so i put static-x in my sterio and put it on max volume,
mom and his daughter came in here.
Our music drowned out his.
It was pretty cool.
I got a video of us all head banging.
We laughed so hard.
Then we were outside for a long while being idiots and having fun.
Which made him even madder because we wern't walking on egg shells to make him happy.
he is a bastard of a drunk.
We both feel bad for his daughter.
I got so fed up with his idiotic drunken asshole behavior that I almost called a friend and had them pick me up.
it was pretty bad.
I got pretty angry.
One thing he said is still making me angry,
he said it to my mom
'no wonder that other guy beat the shit out of you'
that same guy slammed me agenced the wall by my throat.
And beat the living hell out of my mom quite a few times.
I refuse to talk to him tomorrow unless he wants to hear why i'm pissed at him.
I think I am going to go to a friends house tomorrow.
I got invited over.
Oh,
I also found out I live a 2 minute drive to a friends house of mine.
Also found out that mom would let me ride my bike to her house.
If that friends mom would allow me to come over at least.
I'll have to ask her about that.
So there is something wrong with my computer,
I came home from camp and it was totally effed up.
His daughter got something on it and it isn't working right.
I can't watch youtube videos so I don't have the right song for my ab workouts.
it really sucks but I cant do anything about it.
Also I found out our capitan isn't coming to band camp.
This is going to test our team a lot.
And cause a lot of stress.
Especially for _______ and I since we actually went to guard camp and are coming to band camp.
I also have a goal.
I don't want to miss any practices this year.
It is going to be hard since I am going to have to stay after school every day of practice because of where I live.
I can't wait to get my permit.
Then it will be one step closer to a licence.
Ugh.
I need to figure out a way to get my friends b-day gift to her before her b-day.
I dont want to give it to her to early or after.
I will if I have to but still.
Seriously!
a 2 minute drive!
I dunno.
I guess life is just frustrating me at the moment.
So I don't trust a word that comes from a specific someones mouth.
This specific someone is a male,
that should tell anyone who I gave the link of this blogger to,
and who knows my life situations right now,
a pretty good idea of who I am talking about.
One person in particular should know exactly who.
I am getting pretty fed up with him.
I hate it that,
other than our capitan not being there.
Having him there is the only thing I am not looking forward to at band camp.
That and couch surfing for a week is going to be interesting.
I'm really looking forward to the first day of school.
Or at least the 27th
(or whatever date juniors get their school schedules)
but at the same time I don't want school to come.
Because school time means buying school clothes.
And that means contacting my father.
Whom I havn't talked to since my 16th birthday.
'and i swear i'll know your face in the crowd
and i'll hear your voice aloud
when your whispering
hey unfaithful i will teach you to be stronger (to be stronger)
hey ungraceful i will teach you to forgive one another
heres my kiss to betray
desperate to brush the lips of gray
do you feel hallow when you think of how i lied'
that song just came onto my ipod,
it is on shuffle.
I think i want to put it on repeate for a while.
I dunno.
Honestly I am not sure what the song is about.
I suck at interpreting songs.
But this one catches my attention a little bit.
Oh
So at camp we coreographed a dance to 'the bird and the worm' by the used.
I really like it.
Our instructor called it emo-tastic
and just to add to the effect he wore a shirt to dance every class that said
'emo kids have more fun'
it was quite interesting.
my mind is repeaing itself over and over while trying to think of more things,
so before I find something depressing to think about.
I think I am going to go to sleep.
Becaue I am extremly sick of having nightmares every night.
I wish I had more than just _____'s hoodie to sleep with.
The thought of going to sleep in an empty bed is definatly not appealing.
Kinda almost makes me miss that person who decided she
'dosnt want to deal with my bullshit anymore'
okay so i do miss her.
But I need to get over it I suppose.
I guess I need to get over a lot of things.
Told you things would come out as I rambled
but it will come as I ramble on,
So guard camp was amazing.
We had an hour and a half of dance class each night
an hour and a half of rifle or sabre
and an hour and a half of flag,
each day.
Woke up at 7am.
Oh,
we went on hikes every day.
The first one was over 4 miles all together.
I learned a lot.
And made a bunch of new friends.
Had a gay boy think I was stalking him.
It was quite interesting.
And I fell down a large gravel hill.
And dropped my flag on my bare foot.
Ended up bursting a vein in my foot by doing that.
It's all bruised and green since it is hard for me to bruise.
oh and someone in my cabin looked at me after i said i had big dogs,
(she knows me from last year)
and said 'thats so dyke, i love it!'
I laughed so hard.
It was all around amazing.
And there was no cell reception so I wasnt bothered with the drama of life.
The first night we all slept at the highschool.
Very amazing.
Took them over a half hour to wake me up.
I was apparently poked with a sabre,
beat with pillows,
sat on,
got my sleeping bag jerked off me,
had luggage laid on me
all in an attempt to wake me up.
It was quite entertaining.
Oh and all of the rhapsody members that were at camp know me as a cluts now.
Because of the whole falling down the hill thing.
Anyways,
Him and mom got into a fight today.
And I fought with him as well.
When he left I went into the living room and turned his music all the way down since he always leaves it all the way up.
When he got home he came into my room and asked who turned it down.
So when I said he did he got pissy and said next time i was gone he would shut down my computer.
I told him to go ahead.
When he left my room he cranked his music,
so i put static-x in my sterio and put it on max volume,
mom and his daughter came in here.
Our music drowned out his.
It was pretty cool.
I got a video of us all head banging.
We laughed so hard.
Then we were outside for a long while being idiots and having fun.
Which made him even madder because we wern't walking on egg shells to make him happy.
he is a bastard of a drunk.
We both feel bad for his daughter.
I got so fed up with his idiotic drunken asshole behavior that I almost called a friend and had them pick me up.
it was pretty bad.
I got pretty angry.
One thing he said is still making me angry,
he said it to my mom
'no wonder that other guy beat the shit out of you'
that same guy slammed me agenced the wall by my throat.
And beat the living hell out of my mom quite a few times.
I refuse to talk to him tomorrow unless he wants to hear why i'm pissed at him.
I think I am going to go to a friends house tomorrow.
I got invited over.
Oh,
I also found out I live a 2 minute drive to a friends house of mine.
Also found out that mom would let me ride my bike to her house.
If that friends mom would allow me to come over at least.
I'll have to ask her about that.
So there is something wrong with my computer,
I came home from camp and it was totally effed up.
His daughter got something on it and it isn't working right.
I can't watch youtube videos so I don't have the right song for my ab workouts.
it really sucks but I cant do anything about it.
Also I found out our capitan isn't coming to band camp.
This is going to test our team a lot.
And cause a lot of stress.
Especially for _______ and I since we actually went to guard camp and are coming to band camp.
I also have a goal.
I don't want to miss any practices this year.
It is going to be hard since I am going to have to stay after school every day of practice because of where I live.
I can't wait to get my permit.
Then it will be one step closer to a licence.
Ugh.
I need to figure out a way to get my friends b-day gift to her before her b-day.
I dont want to give it to her to early or after.
I will if I have to but still.
Seriously!
a 2 minute drive!
I dunno.
I guess life is just frustrating me at the moment.
So I don't trust a word that comes from a specific someones mouth.
This specific someone is a male,
that should tell anyone who I gave the link of this blogger to,
and who knows my life situations right now,
a pretty good idea of who I am talking about.
One person in particular should know exactly who.
I am getting pretty fed up with him.
I hate it that,
other than our capitan not being there.
Having him there is the only thing I am not looking forward to at band camp.
That and couch surfing for a week is going to be interesting.
I'm really looking forward to the first day of school.
Or at least the 27th
(or whatever date juniors get their school schedules)
but at the same time I don't want school to come.
Because school time means buying school clothes.
And that means contacting my father.
Whom I havn't talked to since my 16th birthday.
'and i swear i'll know your face in the crowd
and i'll hear your voice aloud
when your whispering
hey unfaithful i will teach you to be stronger (to be stronger)
hey ungraceful i will teach you to forgive one another
heres my kiss to betray
desperate to brush the lips of gray
do you feel hallow when you think of how i lied'
that song just came onto my ipod,
it is on shuffle.
I think i want to put it on repeate for a while.
I dunno.
Honestly I am not sure what the song is about.
I suck at interpreting songs.
But this one catches my attention a little bit.
Oh
So at camp we coreographed a dance to 'the bird and the worm' by the used.
I really like it.
Our instructor called it emo-tastic
and just to add to the effect he wore a shirt to dance every class that said
'emo kids have more fun'
it was quite interesting.
my mind is repeaing itself over and over while trying to think of more things,
so before I find something depressing to think about.
I think I am going to go to sleep.
Becaue I am extremly sick of having nightmares every night.
I wish I had more than just _____'s hoodie to sleep with.
The thought of going to sleep in an empty bed is definatly not appealing.
Kinda almost makes me miss that person who decided she
'dosnt want to deal with my bullshit anymore'
okay so i do miss her.
But I need to get over it I suppose.
I guess I need to get over a lot of things.
Told you things would come out as I rambled
Sunday, July 29, 2007
I'm scared...
I'm scared I wont find a ride tomorrow.
That I will be left alone because of the other two girls going.
That I will be a total screw up.
That I will look like an idiot.
That I will damage our name.
That something will get me into trouble like last time.
This is one of the few things,
if not the only thing,
that I am extremly insecure about.
I REALLY care how people see me when it comes to this.
My self esteem plummets when it comes to this.
I am not confident at all.
Even if I act like it.
That is only because how comfterble I am around my own team.
But only two other girls are going from our team this time.
*sigh*
While I sit here and be terrified that I wont get a ride,
I am going to go read.
I really wish someone was here.
Or someone would answer their phone.
Oh well.
'Speaking of LUST' a collection of stories is what i'm reading.
It is about one of the seven deadly sins.
So far it is really good.
Really fucked up.
But really good.
That I will be left alone because of the other two girls going.
That I will be a total screw up.
That I will look like an idiot.
That I will damage our name.
That something will get me into trouble like last time.
This is one of the few things,
if not the only thing,
that I am extremly insecure about.
I REALLY care how people see me when it comes to this.
My self esteem plummets when it comes to this.
I am not confident at all.
Even if I act like it.
That is only because how comfterble I am around my own team.
But only two other girls are going from our team this time.
*sigh*
While I sit here and be terrified that I wont get a ride,
I am going to go read.
I really wish someone was here.
Or someone would answer their phone.
Oh well.
'Speaking of LUST' a collection of stories is what i'm reading.
It is about one of the seven deadly sins.
So far it is really good.
Really fucked up.
But really good.
Fucking drunken idiot.
I was gone last night.
To a friends house.
And when I called mom this morning to check in.
Low and behold.
He has a black eye.
Because he got drunk last night.
And got into a fight.
And got kicked in the face four times.
It is almost swollen shut.
And a very violent dark shade of purple.
But of course he didn't learn his lesson.
I stayed out as late as I could tonight.
When I came home he was drunk off his ass yet again.
So drunk that around 10:30 when he tried to walk up the steps.
He fell backwards and cracked his head on a rock.
Gashing his ear open.
He bled everywhere.
Mom took him to the hospital.
He got 6 stitches.
Oh,
and i'm still irritated about his daughter.
The house broke into a rubber band snapping war.
It started with her and his brother.
Then his brothers girlfriend joined in.
Then the small children.
Then I decided to join the fun.
About 20 minutes passed with screaming,
running,
snapping,
laughing and yelling.
I ended up getting ganged up on but all the little ones and his daughter.
his brother and brothers girlfriend had stopped.
Attempting to get away I snapped his daughter on the shoulder.
It hurt so she got angry and slapped me.
It made me so effing mad.
I was right in front of our bedroom door.
Everyone stopped the moment she slapped me.
I just sai 'i'm done' and walked into our room.
UGH!
Frustration.
Oh,
he is passed out in the middle of the living room floor right now.
2 o clock in the fucking morning and he is just sprawled where he landed when he got back from the hospital.
Just watch.
I bet he is going to get drunk again tomorrow.
I'm glad I'll be gone next weekend.
I've decided I'm taking my cell with me to camp even if it has shitty service.
To many people come to me when they need someone for me not to.
Besides,
it works like a digital camera for me.
There has been good all weekend.
I had a huge amount of fun with my friend.
We went to the fair,
that was awsome.
Except I saw that now ex-friend of mine.
It was fine until she scoffed at me for hugging my friend as we walked past her.
But that is a long story.
I might explain all that in my next post.
This one is for venting my frustration with the drunken boyfriend.
To a friends house.
And when I called mom this morning to check in.
Low and behold.
He has a black eye.
Because he got drunk last night.
And got into a fight.
And got kicked in the face four times.
It is almost swollen shut.
And a very violent dark shade of purple.
But of course he didn't learn his lesson.
I stayed out as late as I could tonight.
When I came home he was drunk off his ass yet again.
So drunk that around 10:30 when he tried to walk up the steps.
He fell backwards and cracked his head on a rock.
Gashing his ear open.
He bled everywhere.
Mom took him to the hospital.
He got 6 stitches.
Oh,
and i'm still irritated about his daughter.
The house broke into a rubber band snapping war.
It started with her and his brother.
Then his brothers girlfriend joined in.
Then the small children.
Then I decided to join the fun.
About 20 minutes passed with screaming,
running,
snapping,
laughing and yelling.
I ended up getting ganged up on but all the little ones and his daughter.
his brother and brothers girlfriend had stopped.
Attempting to get away I snapped his daughter on the shoulder.
It hurt so she got angry and slapped me.
It made me so effing mad.
I was right in front of our bedroom door.
Everyone stopped the moment she slapped me.
I just sai 'i'm done' and walked into our room.
UGH!
Frustration.
Oh,
he is passed out in the middle of the living room floor right now.
2 o clock in the fucking morning and he is just sprawled where he landed when he got back from the hospital.
Just watch.
I bet he is going to get drunk again tomorrow.
I'm glad I'll be gone next weekend.
I've decided I'm taking my cell with me to camp even if it has shitty service.
To many people come to me when they need someone for me not to.
Besides,
it works like a digital camera for me.
There has been good all weekend.
I had a huge amount of fun with my friend.
We went to the fair,
that was awsome.
Except I saw that now ex-friend of mine.
It was fine until she scoffed at me for hugging my friend as we walked past her.
But that is a long story.
I might explain all that in my next post.
This one is for venting my frustration with the drunken boyfriend.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Big Dumb Smile
'come on quietly we're out the window
mom and dad are soundly asleep
no cold feet dont change your mind
don't back out now it will be so much fun
just wait and see
we're not even old enough to drive this band new car
we're sure to have a horrible accident before we get very far
you say don't start in with that tone of voice
you sound just like mom
don't worry you worry to much
you're so uptight
and all the while
with your big dumb smile
not a hint of worry on your face
with every dare
I grow more scared
and you havn't done a thing to change my mind
we push the car to reckless speeds
windows down I can barely see
now engine off we roll into the driveway so quietly
back through the window wide so awake
I can't believe we pulled that off
I feel so alive
slowly I change
all the while
with your big dumb smile
not a hint of worry on your face
with every dare
I grow more scared
and you hav'nt done a think to change my mind
all the while
with your big dumb smile
not a hint of worry on your face'
mom and dad are soundly asleep
no cold feet dont change your mind
don't back out now it will be so much fun
just wait and see
we're not even old enough to drive this band new car
we're sure to have a horrible accident before we get very far
you say don't start in with that tone of voice
you sound just like mom
don't worry you worry to much
you're so uptight
and all the while
with your big dumb smile
not a hint of worry on your face
with every dare
I grow more scared
and you havn't done a thing to change my mind
we push the car to reckless speeds
windows down I can barely see
now engine off we roll into the driveway so quietly
back through the window wide so awake
I can't believe we pulled that off
I feel so alive
slowly I change
all the while
with your big dumb smile
not a hint of worry on your face
with every dare
I grow more scared
and you hav'nt done a think to change my mind
all the while
with your big dumb smile
not a hint of worry on your face'
I hate it.
How one person can say such meaningful words.
And you can believe them with all your heart.
Then they end up not being who or what you think they are.
And you realise those words didn't mean shit.
They were just empty words spoken.
...
And then someone comes along and says them.
And actually means them with all their heart.
But it feels meaningless.
Because they have been spoken at you so many times.
...
Also,
how can someones emotions change so quickly.
I've seen this world pass me by many times over.
At least in that aspect.
What?
Am I just slow to react.
Slow for my emotions to decide to change.
But while that happens.
It seems like it is inevitable for them to change.
Maybe thats because they have never worked well for me.
...
You know what?
...
I need out of Shelton.
And you can believe them with all your heart.
Then they end up not being who or what you think they are.
And you realise those words didn't mean shit.
They were just empty words spoken.
...
And then someone comes along and says them.
And actually means them with all their heart.
But it feels meaningless.
Because they have been spoken at you so many times.
...
Also,
how can someones emotions change so quickly.
I've seen this world pass me by many times over.
At least in that aspect.
What?
Am I just slow to react.
Slow for my emotions to decide to change.
But while that happens.
It seems like it is inevitable for them to change.
Maybe thats because they have never worked well for me.
...
You know what?
...
I need out of Shelton.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Continuation to the games.
him: i know _____ and i know i cant say really anything in defense so i wont ill still be here for you though a true friend always is no matter how many times it happens... im sorry about me you didnt deserve it
me: quit apologizing to me and trying to make me feel guilty. a true friend also wouldnt have done what you did
him: yeah... i guess you're right you always are about me at least i've taken your advice
me:i'm busy packing. Im not going to deal with you right now
him: ok thats fair
me: do you realise how badly you ruined our friendship?
him: yeah im willing to restart though
me: i'm not, and i dont know when or if i will be
him: i deserve it i know. well i cant stop you. see you around ______. on better terms i hope, thanks
That was the conversation today.
I didn't even reply to the last text he sent me.
Am I just being a bitch?
Or can you see why I am finally doing this?
I hate that I can't help but feel bad for 'doing this to him'
me: quit apologizing to me and trying to make me feel guilty. a true friend also wouldnt have done what you did
him: yeah... i guess you're right you always are about me at least i've taken your advice
me:i'm busy packing. Im not going to deal with you right now
him: ok thats fair
me: do you realise how badly you ruined our friendship?
him: yeah im willing to restart though
me: i'm not, and i dont know when or if i will be
him: i deserve it i know. well i cant stop you. see you around ______. on better terms i hope, thanks
That was the conversation today.
I didn't even reply to the last text he sent me.
Am I just being a bitch?
Or can you see why I am finally doing this?
I hate that I can't help but feel bad for 'doing this to him'
This is a big FUCK YOU I'M DONE!
him: i have to tell you something but dont get mad
me: what?
Him: i took more, i got a hold of some and couldn't help it
me: you could have. but chose not to ______.
him: i broke your trust didnt i? i want to make it up now
me: you dissapointed me on top of braking my trust. It isnt that simple to fix, you really fucked up.
him: i just want you to know i will not ask fr your help with anything ever again, i promise, i dont want it
him: at least i'm not such a fuck up as you think, its all gone for good
Me: fine then! dont come to me for help then. you said that last time
That was the conversation over texting.
And I am done.
No amount of apologies will fix this.
He promised me.
He was the only person who had never broken a promise to me.
I've gone through so much,
sacrificed so much to help him.
Even got myself hurt helping him.
Stayed up until dawn came to make sure he was okay.
Stressed so bad that I got sick for him.
Well,
he said he wont come to me for help.
And I am going to fucking hold him to that.
I was the only person he could come to who would do anything to help him.
I would have done almost anything to help him.
Even if I didn't want to.
I'm sick of the little fucking mind games,
the guilt trips.
She was completely right about him.
I should have seen it coming.
So here is my big.
FUCK YOU,
I'M DONE WITH YOU!
me: what?
Him: i took more, i got a hold of some and couldn't help it
me: you could have. but chose not to ______.
him: i broke your trust didnt i? i want to make it up now
me: you dissapointed me on top of braking my trust. It isnt that simple to fix, you really fucked up.
him: i just want you to know i will not ask fr your help with anything ever again, i promise, i dont want it
him: at least i'm not such a fuck up as you think, its all gone for good
Me: fine then! dont come to me for help then. you said that last time
That was the conversation over texting.
And I am done.
No amount of apologies will fix this.
He promised me.
He was the only person who had never broken a promise to me.
I've gone through so much,
sacrificed so much to help him.
Even got myself hurt helping him.
Stayed up until dawn came to make sure he was okay.
Stressed so bad that I got sick for him.
Well,
he said he wont come to me for help.
And I am going to fucking hold him to that.
I was the only person he could come to who would do anything to help him.
I would have done almost anything to help him.
Even if I didn't want to.
I'm sick of the little fucking mind games,
the guilt trips.
She was completely right about him.
I should have seen it coming.
So here is my big.
FUCK YOU,
I'M DONE WITH YOU!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I got bored.
Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
Somewhere to go, a licence, someone here with me, a solution.
Name Four Scents You Love:
Jasmine, axe tsunami, certian people and dish washers while they are running.
Name Four Things You Did Today:
Got really angry, downloaded over 200 icons, talked to someone for quite some time and listened to music.
What is your current relationship status?
Single and just kinda there.
What is your sexual orientation?
lesbian.
What sort of people do you like, as far as what their interests are in life?
I like a very wide variety of people honestly.
What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
I'm not really sure what about a person catches my eye but there are just specific people who make my head turn.
What kind of fashion-sense attracts you?
Erm, look at most of my friends, as long as the colors dont blind me, the words are snobby or stupid and it is at least semi modest, i'm fine
What kind of hair style do you find attractive on a potential mate?
I have a thing for red/orange hair but it dosn't really matter.
What is the usual age range you look at?
er, around my age or older, generally i've looked in my grade or one grade higher but now pretty much I don't care. Age only matters to an extent.
What traits turn you off?
Dishonesty, people who are to distant, dumb people, close minded-ness, the isms, you know, racism and stuff. ect,
Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
I prefer a steady at least longer than a damn week relationship but it hasn;t been working that way for me.
Are you afraid to ask people out on dates?
EXTREMLY but no one seems to grasp that. I am terrified to make the first move.
If you're single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
kinda yeah
What are the positive points about being single?
you dont have to worry about making someone jealous, dont have to worry about cheating, you can look and not feel guilty, more freedom.
What are the negative points about being single?
Lonely, there isn't someone to call 'mine' there isnt someone you can kiss or hold hands with any time you want. There isn't that closeness with someone.
When single, do you often find yourself longing for companionship?
Sometimes more than others. But generally, at least a little yes.
How well do you handle rejection?
It gets to me but I don't really let it show, there is also the terrified to make the first move thing. I generally don't have to worry about rejection.
Do you miss your last sweetie?
Yeah
Do you think it's better to look for love or let it find you?
Both, but I generally keep to myself about it and let it find me, it probably isn't the best thing to do but right now, i'm letting people approach me.
What's the longest relationship you've ever been in?
over a year. It was a elementary relationship.
The shortest?
a few minutes. heh, the average is a week -_-
Do you think couples should spend a very large amount of time together or space things out a tad?
both, you cant just do one, sometimes you need a large amount of time together just to be together but most people need a break even from someone they really care for.
Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment?
I worry more about the other person worrieing about commitmen. With how long my relationships tend to last can you blame me?
When involved with a person, do you try to think about the here and now or do you often think of the future?
I like to think more of the here and now, slightly of the future.
How do you prefer to handle disagreements?
I tend to back down really easily and sacrifice just to make my partner happy becuase I am afraid to fuck up and lose them over something stupid. I have issues with that kind of stuff.
How do you feel when your mate is mad at you and won't tell you why?
I get really upset about it but I don't show it to much, I try my best to find out, it has only happened like once. There is also a slight anger because if they wont tell me why they are mad at me how am I supposed to fix it or apologize or make up for my mistake.
Do you have a crush right now? Do they know?
eh
What's the longest period of time you've ever had a crush?
two years, it wasnt just a crush
Have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush?
Yes, scarey scarey thing. It gets painful sometimes even. My throat likes to close up a bit when I try to if I really like them.
Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
No, just my closest buddies because I trust them and one of them likes to know whats going on with me, well, most of them do.
Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
Yes, I love it when people tell me because if they like me, i want to know, because who knows, i might like them back and have been to shy to tell them! Or I could want to get to know them better.
How do you feel about long-distance relationships?
It is hard... I really don't like them but if you really like someone enough, it might work. maybe.
Have you ever pined for someone when you're not around them?
Yes
Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
Depends on who it is, I thought about it recently and if I really like them and wanted to be with them, yes.
What would you do if you got pregnant while in a relationship?
I would have had to of been raped because I don't exactly let penises near me like that. but if I did, I would tell my girlfriend immidiatly that there was even a chance and go from there.
Would you get involved with someone if they were previously married?
yes, though i am still a little young to have to worry about that.
How big of an issue is religion to your compatibility?
It isn't an issue unles they try and convert me or shove their belifes down my throat, if they have different beliefs i want them to talk to me about them, but not either of the two previously stated things.
How big of an issue to you is your mate's ethnicity?
I don't give a shit, I like the person for who they are, not the color of their skin or the type of blood running through their vains
In a potential mate, how important is intelligence to you?
It does matter to me because in a previous relationship my girlfriend didn't understand some of the things I said and it really bothered me, it caused problems. I like to talk to who I date freely.
In a potential mate, how important is a sense of humor to you?
Important because I am a fairly immature person sometimes, or I at least joke around. I love to laugh and I feel dumb if someone dosn't laugh with me, and I hate feeling dumb.
What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?
Many many things, depends on the person, figure it out if you want to know : )
What was your first kiss like?
I don't remember my first kiss, if it is the one i think it is, it was scarey but nothing special. The first, 'my world is spinning and my heart is racing kiss' was on my front porch and it was a very good first meaningful kiss.
What part of a person's body do you find most attractive?
Face of course, and stomach/back/chest area honestly.
What's the first thing you look at when you look at someone you're attracted to?
Hair and face/ general body structure
How important are the looks of a mate's face to you?
Looks do count to an extent but it definatly is not all that matters. Yeah a really pretty face is a bonus but it isn't a persons face you should fall in love with.
How important are the looks of a mate's body to you?
See answer above.
When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?
The other, I am terrified of kissing someone first, I might get the courage once in a blue moon, or I might hint/ ask if it is okay...
Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren't seriously involved with?
I was drunk but yeah
Were you single at the time?
no...
Somewhere to go, a licence, someone here with me, a solution.
Name Four Scents You Love:
Jasmine, axe tsunami, certian people and dish washers while they are running.
Name Four Things You Did Today:
Got really angry, downloaded over 200 icons, talked to someone for quite some time and listened to music.
What is your current relationship status?
Single and just kinda there.
What is your sexual orientation?
lesbian.
What sort of people do you like, as far as what their interests are in life?
I like a very wide variety of people honestly.
What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
I'm not really sure what about a person catches my eye but there are just specific people who make my head turn.
What kind of fashion-sense attracts you?
Erm, look at most of my friends, as long as the colors dont blind me, the words are snobby or stupid and it is at least semi modest, i'm fine
What kind of hair style do you find attractive on a potential mate?
I have a thing for red/orange hair but it dosn't really matter.
What is the usual age range you look at?
er, around my age or older, generally i've looked in my grade or one grade higher but now pretty much I don't care. Age only matters to an extent.
What traits turn you off?
Dishonesty, people who are to distant, dumb people, close minded-ness, the isms, you know, racism and stuff. ect,
Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
I prefer a steady at least longer than a damn week relationship but it hasn;t been working that way for me.
Are you afraid to ask people out on dates?
EXTREMLY but no one seems to grasp that. I am terrified to make the first move.
If you're single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
kinda yeah
What are the positive points about being single?
you dont have to worry about making someone jealous, dont have to worry about cheating, you can look and not feel guilty, more freedom.
What are the negative points about being single?
Lonely, there isn't someone to call 'mine' there isnt someone you can kiss or hold hands with any time you want. There isn't that closeness with someone.
When single, do you often find yourself longing for companionship?
Sometimes more than others. But generally, at least a little yes.
How well do you handle rejection?
It gets to me but I don't really let it show, there is also the terrified to make the first move thing. I generally don't have to worry about rejection.
Do you miss your last sweetie?
Yeah
Do you think it's better to look for love or let it find you?
Both, but I generally keep to myself about it and let it find me, it probably isn't the best thing to do but right now, i'm letting people approach me.
What's the longest relationship you've ever been in?
over a year. It was a elementary relationship.
The shortest?
a few minutes. heh, the average is a week -_-
Do you think couples should spend a very large amount of time together or space things out a tad?
both, you cant just do one, sometimes you need a large amount of time together just to be together but most people need a break even from someone they really care for.
Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment?
I worry more about the other person worrieing about commitmen. With how long my relationships tend to last can you blame me?
When involved with a person, do you try to think about the here and now or do you often think of the future?
I like to think more of the here and now, slightly of the future.
How do you prefer to handle disagreements?
I tend to back down really easily and sacrifice just to make my partner happy becuase I am afraid to fuck up and lose them over something stupid. I have issues with that kind of stuff.
How do you feel when your mate is mad at you and won't tell you why?
I get really upset about it but I don't show it to much, I try my best to find out, it has only happened like once. There is also a slight anger because if they wont tell me why they are mad at me how am I supposed to fix it or apologize or make up for my mistake.
Do you have a crush right now? Do they know?
eh
What's the longest period of time you've ever had a crush?
two years, it wasnt just a crush
Have you ever confessed your feelings to a crush?
Yes, scarey scarey thing. It gets painful sometimes even. My throat likes to close up a bit when I try to if I really like them.
Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
No, just my closest buddies because I trust them and one of them likes to know whats going on with me, well, most of them do.
Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
Yes, I love it when people tell me because if they like me, i want to know, because who knows, i might like them back and have been to shy to tell them! Or I could want to get to know them better.
How do you feel about long-distance relationships?
It is hard... I really don't like them but if you really like someone enough, it might work. maybe.
Have you ever pined for someone when you're not around them?
Yes
Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
Depends on who it is, I thought about it recently and if I really like them and wanted to be with them, yes.
What would you do if you got pregnant while in a relationship?
I would have had to of been raped because I don't exactly let penises near me like that. but if I did, I would tell my girlfriend immidiatly that there was even a chance and go from there.
Would you get involved with someone if they were previously married?
yes, though i am still a little young to have to worry about that.
How big of an issue is religion to your compatibility?
It isn't an issue unles they try and convert me or shove their belifes down my throat, if they have different beliefs i want them to talk to me about them, but not either of the two previously stated things.
How big of an issue to you is your mate's ethnicity?
I don't give a shit, I like the person for who they are, not the color of their skin or the type of blood running through their vains
In a potential mate, how important is intelligence to you?
It does matter to me because in a previous relationship my girlfriend didn't understand some of the things I said and it really bothered me, it caused problems. I like to talk to who I date freely.
In a potential mate, how important is a sense of humor to you?
Important because I am a fairly immature person sometimes, or I at least joke around. I love to laugh and I feel dumb if someone dosn't laugh with me, and I hate feeling dumb.
What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?
Many many things, depends on the person, figure it out if you want to know : )
What was your first kiss like?
I don't remember my first kiss, if it is the one i think it is, it was scarey but nothing special. The first, 'my world is spinning and my heart is racing kiss' was on my front porch and it was a very good first meaningful kiss.
What part of a person's body do you find most attractive?
Face of course, and stomach/back/chest area honestly.
What's the first thing you look at when you look at someone you're attracted to?
Hair and face/ general body structure
How important are the looks of a mate's face to you?
Looks do count to an extent but it definatly is not all that matters. Yeah a really pretty face is a bonus but it isn't a persons face you should fall in love with.
How important are the looks of a mate's body to you?
See answer above.
When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?
The other, I am terrified of kissing someone first, I might get the courage once in a blue moon, or I might hint/ ask if it is okay...
Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren't seriously involved with?
I was drunk but yeah
Were you single at the time?
no...
Sunday, July 22, 2007
This is the insanity that is my life when I get truely hyper to an uncontrolable level and around someone who is alike in that uncontrolable aspect.
WHAT TIME IS IT? THAT'S RIGHT!!!
IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you were traveling at the speed of smell going down a cascading waterfall of molten love. How far would you get before the ICE PRINCESS throws her ice lance into your ballsack and OBLITERATES YOUR INSIDES!!! Would you like it? Me so horny for ICE PRINCESS. Well, when a man loves a woman. BACON WRAP SUPREME! IT'S GOOD TO GO! CAVERN OF GOODIE GOODIE GOODNESS! Toss a Blue Mage with a Viagra into a group of Tape Worms and have yourself a good ol' time! IF you survive this fiasco, then you will face the WHITE RABBIT! And slay him with thine HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH! You must count to 3! 4 is too many, 2 is one too few. 5 is RIGHT OUT! AND TOSS THINE HAND GRENADE INTO THE DEN OF THE WHITE RABBIT! And here comes here Lancelot! *dun dun dun dun dun dun*... AGAIN *dun dun dun dun dun dun dun*..... AGAIN! *dun dun dun dun dun dun*! AND HERE HE IS!!!!!P.S. I am not drunk or stoned.Love,_______
ROUND 2 BITCHES!!! IT'S BACK AGAIN!
So, you want more? Got that yearning in your stomach for some more Hisaw craziness? WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK YOU SACKS OF DOG BALLS IN A TURKEY BAKE! I am on something, nothing illegal or of any substance at all.... well.. here goes! You find yourself lacking a little in the pants? Here's the cure!!! PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE BALLS! GUARANTEED TO Make your MOTHER CRY! (may also cause explosive diarhea.. leaky anal seepage, your grandmother to be mauled by a grizzly bear, and your friends to call you NANCY (Frank if you are female and or have girlie parts).. SO! You think you can face the BLACK KNIGHT! You can't take him! NO, NO, NO YOU CAN'T! You cut off a limb but he doesn't care! HE LIKES IT! HE WANTS MORE!!??? GIVE IT TO HIM BABY YEA!!!!! And F*($ him in his F#*$%(^) @$$hole until he bleeds WHITE! (if you catch the drift) (not really, there was no drift, I hope you feel dumb).... (no really there was a drift..) (maybe)..................... THE BLACK KNIGHT HAS FALLEN AGAIN!P.S. once again.. not drunk or highLOVE ALWAYS,_______ (BITCHES)
ROUND 3, can you FU(<@$ handle this $-7?
WOO! ONCE AGAIN! HERE I BE! Ever wonder what it's like to die? Is there really a whole bunch of virgins ready and willing to have sex with you? YOU KNOW WHAT?!?!?!?!?! THERE IS!!! ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO NEVER HAD SEX/COULDN'T BEFORE THEY DIED!!! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? Ugly and all sorts... pervs and everything! all for you to ram like the cattle they are!!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT! Just like Chewbacca and Han Solo getting it on the MILLENIUM FALCON! That's how the thing moves, didn't you know? OMG! IT'S JABA WITH HIS FAT OF LOVE!!! He'll suffocate you with his love! Or maybe his [BBLLEEEEPP]. I'm not sure which one... (;D) weren't expecting that at all, were yOU? NO YOU WEREN'T! I KNOW THE TRUTH. You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH EVEN IF IT WERE A TEN INCH THICK PIPE IN YOUR RECTUM!!!!! YOU KNOW IT!LOVE ME ALWAYS!,________, Not drunk or high.... you bastards.
I wanna fly like a fluffy fluffy fluffy thing that flies
so the prettypretty princess wasn't so pretty anymore. She kissed the toad and she got warts. And she ate corn nuts and wallowed in her own spit. Numbers calculated as the gnome came towards her room. Opening the door he exlamed with bloody horror "Sweet Jesus you will herpes in three days." "Jeepers Batman I don't wanna have herpes." and the gnome screamed angrily. "You idiotic butt fucking meat bag. "Don't worry Robin my princess I will share the herpes with oyu. I don' know what the fuck is going on in this story anymore. What am I writing about? Oh right batamn adn Robin have herpes. Robin is a princess with genital warts. and Batman is a gnome. Then then the oh mighty king joker screams "oh gee teh competitive advantage of internet technology my dashboard is a confessional, boys do not like girls, they like windex and meatballs! We all scream yankee doodle dandy while rubbing our asses and thrusting to the tune of the mamba!" Writeen by _______ and _______. No wer'e not on crack just ccccm aka diabetes in a cup dosed with a little bit of fear for our lives. Annouced to teh genreal public cause we must make it seem like we are talking to YOU and not everyone....we're not clinically insane just psychotic......and scared shitless that there is a mutated cougar outside waiting to eat us.
The reall reality of Narnia
So vomit projectiled from my mouth as we beat eachother with licorice whips in the completely fucked up bondage tape of our lives!!!!!!!!!! The fairy came through a window and stared at the calender for a few moments before screaming in panty soiling terror "we are late for the kings birth due date you chocolate coated fucks!" before fluttering calmly from out shattered glass mansion. "never fear, I can fly at the speed of slam you face into a keyboard speed" one of us screamed while attempting to swoop us all up in a gonorea infested embrace to whisk us away to the mutant kinds child bearing ceremony before the smallest elf piped up screaming "come oyu dumb donkey ramming fuck of a ball sack." We must fly to far away land of Narnia." We have a hair appointmetn with Aslan to have his hair died blue and the faun wants asleeping potion to knock out the little girl so he rap her. As teh ice queen throws the basketball of ball c rushing dumb at the prince Edmond. "If you will not bare my children you willbare none. You bastard fucking line of a cocaine dealing asshole." King Peter left for teh stables nd rode off into the sunset on the back of his Trusty companion Phillip. Whom whom he did naughty naughty things to. Beastiality isn't the best way to go!. How much did they forget? Why did I put this movie in. How much induendoes can be found when you'rs on a three day sugar rush.
Why is this movie stil playing?????????????????????????????
Woah Horsey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My name is Phillip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m truely sorry
to everyone. For everything you have read tonight. just stop reading and be thankful you aren't actually here hearing my british accent adn seeing us prancing around in our bras yelling about mutant cougars outside the windows. And listenign to teh most random music selection I have ever heard in my life
CCCCM for life!
Rock on I'm passing out now!
IF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you were traveling at the speed of smell going down a cascading waterfall of molten love. How far would you get before the ICE PRINCESS throws her ice lance into your ballsack and OBLITERATES YOUR INSIDES!!! Would you like it? Me so horny for ICE PRINCESS. Well, when a man loves a woman. BACON WRAP SUPREME! IT'S GOOD TO GO! CAVERN OF GOODIE GOODIE GOODNESS! Toss a Blue Mage with a Viagra into a group of Tape Worms and have yourself a good ol' time! IF you survive this fiasco, then you will face the WHITE RABBIT! And slay him with thine HOLY HAND GRENADE OF ANTIOCH! You must count to 3! 4 is too many, 2 is one too few. 5 is RIGHT OUT! AND TOSS THINE HAND GRENADE INTO THE DEN OF THE WHITE RABBIT! And here comes here Lancelot! *dun dun dun dun dun dun*... AGAIN *dun dun dun dun dun dun dun*..... AGAIN! *dun dun dun dun dun dun*! AND HERE HE IS!!!!!P.S. I am not drunk or stoned.Love,_______
ROUND 2 BITCHES!!! IT'S BACK AGAIN!
So, you want more? Got that yearning in your stomach for some more Hisaw craziness? WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK YOU SACKS OF DOG BALLS IN A TURKEY BAKE! I am on something, nothing illegal or of any substance at all.... well.. here goes! You find yourself lacking a little in the pants? Here's the cure!!! PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE BALLS! GUARANTEED TO Make your MOTHER CRY! (may also cause explosive diarhea.. leaky anal seepage, your grandmother to be mauled by a grizzly bear, and your friends to call you NANCY (Frank if you are female and or have girlie parts).. SO! You think you can face the BLACK KNIGHT! You can't take him! NO, NO, NO YOU CAN'T! You cut off a limb but he doesn't care! HE LIKES IT! HE WANTS MORE!!??? GIVE IT TO HIM BABY YEA!!!!! And F*($ him in his F#*$%(^) @$$hole until he bleeds WHITE! (if you catch the drift) (not really, there was no drift, I hope you feel dumb).... (no really there was a drift..) (maybe)..................... THE BLACK KNIGHT HAS FALLEN AGAIN!P.S. once again.. not drunk or highLOVE ALWAYS,_______ (BITCHES)
ROUND 3, can you FU(<@$ handle this $-7?
WOO! ONCE AGAIN! HERE I BE! Ever wonder what it's like to die? Is there really a whole bunch of virgins ready and willing to have sex with you? YOU KNOW WHAT?!?!?!?!?! THERE IS!!! ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO NEVER HAD SEX/COULDN'T BEFORE THEY DIED!!! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? Ugly and all sorts... pervs and everything! all for you to ram like the cattle they are!!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT! Just like Chewbacca and Han Solo getting it on the MILLENIUM FALCON! That's how the thing moves, didn't you know? OMG! IT'S JABA WITH HIS FAT OF LOVE!!! He'll suffocate you with his love! Or maybe his [BBLLEEEEPP]. I'm not sure which one... (;D) weren't expecting that at all, were yOU? NO YOU WEREN'T! I KNOW THE TRUTH. You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH EVEN IF IT WERE A TEN INCH THICK PIPE IN YOUR RECTUM!!!!! YOU KNOW IT!LOVE ME ALWAYS!,________, Not drunk or high.... you bastards.
I wanna fly like a fluffy fluffy fluffy thing that flies
so the prettypretty princess wasn't so pretty anymore. She kissed the toad and she got warts. And she ate corn nuts and wallowed in her own spit. Numbers calculated as the gnome came towards her room. Opening the door he exlamed with bloody horror "Sweet Jesus you will herpes in three days." "Jeepers Batman I don't wanna have herpes." and the gnome screamed angrily. "You idiotic butt fucking meat bag. "Don't worry Robin my princess I will share the herpes with oyu. I don' know what the fuck is going on in this story anymore. What am I writing about? Oh right batamn adn Robin have herpes. Robin is a princess with genital warts. and Batman is a gnome. Then then the oh mighty king joker screams "oh gee teh competitive advantage of internet technology my dashboard is a confessional, boys do not like girls, they like windex and meatballs! We all scream yankee doodle dandy while rubbing our asses and thrusting to the tune of the mamba!" Writeen by _______ and _______. No wer'e not on crack just ccccm aka diabetes in a cup dosed with a little bit of fear for our lives. Annouced to teh genreal public cause we must make it seem like we are talking to YOU and not everyone....we're not clinically insane just psychotic......and scared shitless that there is a mutated cougar outside waiting to eat us.
The reall reality of Narnia
So vomit projectiled from my mouth as we beat eachother with licorice whips in the completely fucked up bondage tape of our lives!!!!!!!!!! The fairy came through a window and stared at the calender for a few moments before screaming in panty soiling terror "we are late for the kings birth due date you chocolate coated fucks!" before fluttering calmly from out shattered glass mansion. "never fear, I can fly at the speed of slam you face into a keyboard speed" one of us screamed while attempting to swoop us all up in a gonorea infested embrace to whisk us away to the mutant kinds child bearing ceremony before the smallest elf piped up screaming "come oyu dumb donkey ramming fuck of a ball sack." We must fly to far away land of Narnia." We have a hair appointmetn with Aslan to have his hair died blue and the faun wants asleeping potion to knock out the little girl so he rap her. As teh ice queen throws the basketball of ball c rushing dumb at the prince Edmond. "If you will not bare my children you willbare none. You bastard fucking line of a cocaine dealing asshole." King Peter left for teh stables nd rode off into the sunset on the back of his Trusty companion Phillip. Whom whom he did naughty naughty things to. Beastiality isn't the best way to go!. How much did they forget? Why did I put this movie in. How much induendoes can be found when you'rs on a three day sugar rush.
Why is this movie stil playing?????????????????????????????
Woah Horsey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My name is Phillip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m truely sorry
to everyone. For everything you have read tonight. just stop reading and be thankful you aren't actually here hearing my british accent adn seeing us prancing around in our bras yelling about mutant cougars outside the windows. And listenign to teh most random music selection I have ever heard in my life
CCCCM for life!
Rock on I'm passing out now!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Look inside yourself.
I feel odd.
Kind of tired.
Which makes sense since it is 2:17am currently.
But I don't want to sleep just yet.
I want to continue those disturbingly sick stories.
Not many things make my jaw drop.
But oh well.
I makes you see lust in a slightly different light.
At least that is what it is doing for me.
And I am listening to the songs I haven't heard in a while.
Almost every one of them have a memory attatched to them.
I makes me think to hard.
Then again.
I almost always seem to think to hard.
I'm excited to have two days away.
I'll be hanging out with my friend at a book store.
Then we decided we want to swing in the rain.
So in the middle of the night we are going to find a park.
And hope it rains.
I miss being able to swing whenever I want.
And I miss hanging out with this friend of mine.
I'm terribly excited for it.
The song these lyrics are from mean a lot to me.
' In this world where life can be so tough you must me strong
Just believe in yourself and dont you fear
so open up your mind and close your eyes
take another look from the other side'
And from the same song.
'Just remember you are not alone so don't you fear
even though you're miles away I'm by your side
So open up your mind and close your eyes
I'll be there for you no matter where you are'
Just listening to that song reminds me of who has been there for me this entire time...
I think I need to call someone on Monday when I get home.
I miss you my friend.
Kind of tired.
Which makes sense since it is 2:17am currently.
But I don't want to sleep just yet.
I want to continue those disturbingly sick stories.
Not many things make my jaw drop.
But oh well.
I makes you see lust in a slightly different light.
At least that is what it is doing for me.
And I am listening to the songs I haven't heard in a while.
Almost every one of them have a memory attatched to them.
I makes me think to hard.
Then again.
I almost always seem to think to hard.
I'm excited to have two days away.
I'll be hanging out with my friend at a book store.
Then we decided we want to swing in the rain.
So in the middle of the night we are going to find a park.
And hope it rains.
I miss being able to swing whenever I want.
And I miss hanging out with this friend of mine.
I'm terribly excited for it.
The song these lyrics are from mean a lot to me.
' In this world where life can be so tough you must me strong
Just believe in yourself and dont you fear
so open up your mind and close your eyes
take another look from the other side'
And from the same song.
'Just remember you are not alone so don't you fear
even though you're miles away I'm by your side
So open up your mind and close your eyes
I'll be there for you no matter where you are'
Just listening to that song reminds me of who has been there for me this entire time...
I think I need to call someone on Monday when I get home.
I miss you my friend.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Alphabatize my racing thoughts so I don't feel so insane, so lost.
Some of the artists that I listen to regularly, I got bored so I decided to put them all in one list and put them in alphabetical order ^_^ I do weird things when I have to much on my mind, quiet.
3 Inches of Blood
30 Seconds To Mars
A*Teens
Abba
A Change of Pace
AFI
Alanis Morrisette
Alien Ant Farm
All American Rejects
Aly & AJ
Amadou & Mariam
Amanda Perez
Amor For Sleep
Angelspit
Ankla
Ashlee Simpson
Atreyu
Avenged Sevenfold
Avenue Q
Avril Lavigne
Barlow Girl
Basshunter
Ben Moody
Black Eyes Peas
Black Label Society
Blessid Union of Souls
Blink 182
Blue October
BoA
Brand New
Breaking Benjamin
Brie Larson
Britney Spears
Bullet for my Valentine
Cascadia
Chevelle
Children of Bodom
Chris Child
Christina Aguilera
Cythonic
Clay Aiken
Cobra Starship
Coldplay
Cradle of Filth
Crazy Frog
Crossfade
Daath
Damone
David Cassidy
David Mathews Band
DBSK
Death Cab for Cutie
Denis Leary
Derniere Danse
Devildriver
D.H.T.
Disturbed
DJ Sammy
Dope
Drowning Pool
Dune
Eels
Eisley
Emigrate
Eminem
Evanessence
Eve 6
Faith Hill
Fall Out Boy
Fefe Dobson
Fergie
Finch
Flyleaf
Foo Fighters
Fountains Of Wayne
Fuel
Garbage
Gary Jules
Gary Moore
Good Charolette
Gorillaz
Green Day
Gregory and the Hawk
Groove Coverage
Guillete
Gunther
Gwen Stefani
Hatebreed
Hawthorne Heights
Hellogoodbye
Hillary Duff
H.I.M.
Hinder
Hoobastank
Howie Day
Imogen Heap
In This Moment
Jack's Mannequin
Jem
Jennifer Lopez
Jesse McCartney
Jessica Simpson
Jewel
Jimmy Eat World
Jonathan Coulton
Josie and the Pussycats
Journey
Keldide
Kelly Clarkson
Korn
Lacuna Coil
Lamb of God
Lee Soo Young
Lifehouse
Lillix
Limp Bizkit
Lindsay Lohan
Linkin Park
Lisa Marie Presley
Liz Phair
Lordi
Lostprofits
Lucky
Machine Head
Madison Avenue
Madonna
Maria Mena
Marilyn Manson
Mandy Moore
Matchbook Romance
Matchbox Twenty
Meg and Dia
Mest
Metallica
M.I.A.
Michelle Branch
Mindless Self Indulgence
Motion City Soundtrack
Mudvayne
Munki
MxPx
My Chemical Romance
Nanne Grönvall
Natasha Bedingfield
Nelly Furtado
Ne-yo
Nickleback
Nightwish
Nile
Nina Sky
No Doubt
Offspring
Ozzy
Panic! at the Disco
Papa Roach
Paramore
Pink
Plain White Ts
P.O.D.
Prozzak
Queens of the Stone Age
Relient K
Rihanna
Rise Against
Rob Zombie
Saiyuki
Sanctity
Say Anything
Sean Kingston
Seether
S.H.E.
Sheryl Crow
Shiny Toy Guns
Sia
Sick Puppies
Skillet
Slipknot
Smile DK
Snow Patrol
South Pond
Static-X
Stone Sour
Straylight Run
Sugarcult
Superchick
Sum 41
Switchfoot
System of a Down
Taking Back Sunday
Tatu
Tegan and Sara
The Afters
The Ataris
The Birthday Massacre
The Bloodhound Gang
The Cardigans
The Cors
The Cranberries
The Exies
The Forecast
The Fray
The Killers
The Panic Channel
The Postal Service
The Pussycat Dolls
The Rasmus
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
The Showdown
The Strokes
The Subways
The Trax
The Used
The Veronicas
The Wreckers
Thousand Foot Krutch
Thrice
Tori Amos
Three Days Grace
Trapt
Tsukiko Amano
Underoath
Utada Hikaru
Vanessa Carlton
Vengaboys
Vertical Horizon
Weird Al Yankovic
Within Temptation
WWIII
Vitamin C
Zeromancer
3 Inches of Blood
30 Seconds To Mars
A*Teens
Abba
A Change of Pace
AFI
Alanis Morrisette
Alien Ant Farm
All American Rejects
Aly & AJ
Amadou & Mariam
Amanda Perez
Amor For Sleep
Angelspit
Ankla
Ashlee Simpson
Atreyu
Avenged Sevenfold
Avenue Q
Avril Lavigne
Barlow Girl
Basshunter
Ben Moody
Black Eyes Peas
Black Label Society
Blessid Union of Souls
Blink 182
Blue October
BoA
Brand New
Breaking Benjamin
Brie Larson
Britney Spears
Bullet for my Valentine
Cascadia
Chevelle
Children of Bodom
Chris Child
Christina Aguilera
Cythonic
Clay Aiken
Cobra Starship
Coldplay
Cradle of Filth
Crazy Frog
Crossfade
Daath
Damone
David Cassidy
David Mathews Band
DBSK
Death Cab for Cutie
Denis Leary
Derniere Danse
Devildriver
D.H.T.
Disturbed
DJ Sammy
Dope
Drowning Pool
Dune
Eels
Eisley
Emigrate
Eminem
Evanessence
Eve 6
Faith Hill
Fall Out Boy
Fefe Dobson
Fergie
Finch
Flyleaf
Foo Fighters
Fountains Of Wayne
Fuel
Garbage
Gary Jules
Gary Moore
Good Charolette
Gorillaz
Green Day
Gregory and the Hawk
Groove Coverage
Guillete
Gunther
Gwen Stefani
Hatebreed
Hawthorne Heights
Hellogoodbye
Hillary Duff
H.I.M.
Hinder
Hoobastank
Howie Day
Imogen Heap
In This Moment
Jack's Mannequin
Jem
Jennifer Lopez
Jesse McCartney
Jessica Simpson
Jewel
Jimmy Eat World
Jonathan Coulton
Josie and the Pussycats
Journey
Keldide
Kelly Clarkson
Korn
Lacuna Coil
Lamb of God
Lee Soo Young
Lifehouse
Lillix
Limp Bizkit
Lindsay Lohan
Linkin Park
Lisa Marie Presley
Liz Phair
Lordi
Lostprofits
Lucky
Machine Head
Madison Avenue
Madonna
Maria Mena
Marilyn Manson
Mandy Moore
Matchbook Romance
Matchbox Twenty
Meg and Dia
Mest
Metallica
M.I.A.
Michelle Branch
Mindless Self Indulgence
Motion City Soundtrack
Mudvayne
Munki
MxPx
My Chemical Romance
Nanne Grönvall
Natasha Bedingfield
Nelly Furtado
Ne-yo
Nickleback
Nightwish
Nile
Nina Sky
No Doubt
Offspring
Ozzy
Panic! at the Disco
Papa Roach
Paramore
Pink
Plain White Ts
P.O.D.
Prozzak
Queens of the Stone Age
Relient K
Rihanna
Rise Against
Rob Zombie
Saiyuki
Sanctity
Say Anything
Sean Kingston
Seether
S.H.E.
Sheryl Crow
Shiny Toy Guns
Sia
Sick Puppies
Skillet
Slipknot
Smile DK
Snow Patrol
South Pond
Static-X
Stone Sour
Straylight Run
Sugarcult
Superchick
Sum 41
Switchfoot
System of a Down
Taking Back Sunday
Tatu
Tegan and Sara
The Afters
The Ataris
The Birthday Massacre
The Bloodhound Gang
The Cardigans
The Cors
The Cranberries
The Exies
The Forecast
The Fray
The Killers
The Panic Channel
The Postal Service
The Pussycat Dolls
The Rasmus
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
The Showdown
The Strokes
The Subways
The Trax
The Used
The Veronicas
The Wreckers
Thousand Foot Krutch
Thrice
Tori Amos
Three Days Grace
Trapt
Tsukiko Amano
Underoath
Utada Hikaru
Vanessa Carlton
Vengaboys
Vertical Horizon
Weird Al Yankovic
Within Temptation
WWIII
Vitamin C
Zeromancer
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Fuck.
Today is determined to be a bad day isnt it?
Not only have my dogs been missing for 9 and a half hours when they have never been gone for more than two hours in their life,
but I am fighting with his daughter,
she brought mom into it which upset her more then she already was with the dogs.
Today has just decided to be a bad fucking day.
Not only have my dogs been missing for 9 and a half hours when they have never been gone for more than two hours in their life,
but I am fighting with his daughter,
she brought mom into it which upset her more then she already was with the dogs.
Today has just decided to be a bad fucking day.
Dreading...
I am dreading the dances next year.
I want to go to them because I don't like missing that sort of thing.
But I realized how miserable and bored I am when I go alone.
And I am to chicken shit to ask anyone unles I am dating someone.
And the dating life isn't exactly looking to existant for me.
The biggest downside is he wont be there.
He always went by himself.
So when I got ditched,
and when I got left again,
he was there.
We stayed with eachother the whole night and had fun.
And he was the only one who wasnt there with someone so I didn't feel terrible.
Because I wasnt taking him away from someone else.
We were just two friends who didn't have anyone else to turn to.
But he moved away.
So I am going to be stuck by myself.
I kinda don't want to go to the dances because of it.
I don't want to be alone all night if whoever decides to ditch me like the last two.
But I know that she will beg me to go anyways.
Even if I don't go with someone.
And I don't ask my friends to dances,
I don't mind them asking me.
But for me to ask them feels akward.
I dunno,
I guess I should just forget about it until the time actually comes,
who knows,
maybe something will have changed by then.
Oh,
He just reminded me.
I saw three butterflys at ozzfest.
Do you know how wierd it is to see butterflys? at Ozzfest?!
I want to go to them because I don't like missing that sort of thing.
But I realized how miserable and bored I am when I go alone.
And I am to chicken shit to ask anyone unles I am dating someone.
And the dating life isn't exactly looking to existant for me.
The biggest downside is he wont be there.
He always went by himself.
So when I got ditched,
and when I got left again,
he was there.
We stayed with eachother the whole night and had fun.
And he was the only one who wasnt there with someone so I didn't feel terrible.
Because I wasnt taking him away from someone else.
We were just two friends who didn't have anyone else to turn to.
But he moved away.
So I am going to be stuck by myself.
I kinda don't want to go to the dances because of it.
I don't want to be alone all night if whoever decides to ditch me like the last two.
But I know that she will beg me to go anyways.
Even if I don't go with someone.
And I don't ask my friends to dances,
I don't mind them asking me.
But for me to ask them feels akward.
I dunno,
I guess I should just forget about it until the time actually comes,
who knows,
maybe something will have changed by then.
Oh,
He just reminded me.
I saw three butterflys at ozzfest.
Do you know how wierd it is to see butterflys? at Ozzfest?!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
The Ice Queen.
By Alice Hoffman.
It is an amazing book.
At least I think so.
It made me think a lot.
Then again,
almost every other book does.
Oh,
I'm having trouble telling the difference between what I dream.
And what actually happens.
Not good...
And I got into a fight with a friend of mine today.
I asked her to bring my book up to the house because I was going there.
She said maybe later.
(she lives two blocks down the road)
I told her I was going there now.
She said she had a life and couldnt drop things off whenever i wanted her to,
and if i wanted it then to come get it.
So I told her to have it upstairs with her so I could get it cause mom would be impatent.
We pull into the house up the road.
There goes that friend of mine driving past the house.
It takes an extra 30 seconds to drop a book off at my house,
15 if you rush.
I explained what was going on to my mom and she asked if my friend always treated me like that.
I ended up calling my friend.
She said she didn't have time.
I told her it took a few seconds to drop it off,
she could have even left it on her porch.
*sigh*
I hate fighting with her.
But oh well I guess...
Oh,
I admire anyone with younger siblings.
Especially ones who share rooms with younger siblings.
I am about to snap on his daughter...
This is turning out to be quite a test of my temper.
I was laying outside the night before last.
Laying in the middle of the road.
Listeing to music.
There with two of my friends.
And I got to thinking.
What would happen,
how would things be different,
with each seperate friend I have.
So I went through a list of the ones who came to mind.
...
I want to lay outside at night with quite a few of my friends seperatly now.
I have a question for you.
Take this however you wish.
But what would it have been like?
It is an amazing book.
At least I think so.
It made me think a lot.
Then again,
almost every other book does.
Oh,
I'm having trouble telling the difference between what I dream.
And what actually happens.
Not good...
And I got into a fight with a friend of mine today.
I asked her to bring my book up to the house because I was going there.
She said maybe later.
(she lives two blocks down the road)
I told her I was going there now.
She said she had a life and couldnt drop things off whenever i wanted her to,
and if i wanted it then to come get it.
So I told her to have it upstairs with her so I could get it cause mom would be impatent.
We pull into the house up the road.
There goes that friend of mine driving past the house.
It takes an extra 30 seconds to drop a book off at my house,
15 if you rush.
I explained what was going on to my mom and she asked if my friend always treated me like that.
I ended up calling my friend.
She said she didn't have time.
I told her it took a few seconds to drop it off,
she could have even left it on her porch.
*sigh*
I hate fighting with her.
But oh well I guess...
Oh,
I admire anyone with younger siblings.
Especially ones who share rooms with younger siblings.
I am about to snap on his daughter...
This is turning out to be quite a test of my temper.
I was laying outside the night before last.
Laying in the middle of the road.
Listeing to music.
There with two of my friends.
And I got to thinking.
What would happen,
how would things be different,
with each seperate friend I have.
So I went through a list of the ones who came to mind.
...
I want to lay outside at night with quite a few of my friends seperatly now.
I have a question for you.
Take this however you wish.
But what would it have been like?
Friday, July 13, 2007
Ugh!
I bother myself.
I don't want to be manipulative or seen as manipulative.
I don't want to lie to the people I care about.
I want my body to stop reacting so violently to stress.
I don't want people to feel guilty because of me.
I want to be able to say the right thing.
I don't want to feel like I have made so many mistakes.
I don't want to be such a clingy person.
I don't want to have separation anxiety.
I don't want to go into deep fits of thought from every book I read.
There are so many things I don't want to be...
But I don't know where to start to change them.
...
I wish I didn't believe everything my mom says about me.
I don't want to be manipulative or seen as manipulative.
I don't want to lie to the people I care about.
I want my body to stop reacting so violently to stress.
I don't want people to feel guilty because of me.
I want to be able to say the right thing.
I don't want to feel like I have made so many mistakes.
I don't want to be such a clingy person.
I don't want to have separation anxiety.
I don't want to go into deep fits of thought from every book I read.
There are so many things I don't want to be...
But I don't know where to start to change them.
...
I wish I didn't believe everything my mom says about me.
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