Just going to let it out.

I didn't realise how much I missed him.
I almost cried as I hugged him,
but I stopped myself.
I wish I could leave Shelton.
And just be gone from all these things and people.
For at least a month.
And just forget all the hurt.
The anger.
The resentment.
The problems.
Even the good memories.
I want a break.
And actually think only about myself for a little bit.
I don't care what she says.
I DO NOT only think of myself.
And people will back me up on that.
Most of the things I do are with someone else in mind.
I miss my old life.
I'm not sure which one though.
my 11 year old life where I didn't talk to anyone.
And I ate on my own time.
My friends were my cats and the neighbors horses and the neighbor.
Or maybe my 13 year old life where I was the new kid.
Back when my closest friend was Ashley.
And I was still really girly.
When I had my long blond hair.
And I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being a lesbian.
Or my 4 year old life before my dad took me away.
Back when I was still completely innocent.
When I ate begal dogs knowing mom hated the garlic breath they gave me.
When I was the only one with the umbrella in that rain storm.
Back before I knew what it was like to lose a pet.
Back when I dug that giant hole.
Or maybe my 4th grade life.
Back when I had three people doing those things to me.
But I was still happy because of that friend of mine.
When I ran through the giant field.
And played in the trees.
When I stole candy from the gas station.
When we played in the broken glass.
And in the burnt field.
In the giant bushes in the other field.
When we snowboarded down the dirt hill into blackberry bushes.
Or set 'Chuckys' coat on fire.
When we dug ourselves caves.
And snuck into the giant shed.
When I crashed on my bike and slammed my face onto the road.
I was just thinking earlier.
I also can't wait for my 'adult' life.
When all my hangers will be the same kind.
All my towels will be the same color.
So will my wash rags.
And I will buy a different scent of dish soap every time.
You know,
I don't think I will ever be able to live alone.
I hate being alone to much.
I could handle it for a little bit.
But I would hate it.
I want to scream.
And scream,
and scream.
Until someone calls the cops on me,
or someone comes and gives me a reason to stop.
Or until my voice rebels and gives up on me.
Whichever comes first.
I want everyone to know exactly how I feel about them.
But at the same time I can't bring myself to tell them.
I tried already once.
It didn't work.
You know.
I haven't fully admitted it to myself.
But my separation anxiety is getting worse.
Much worse.
And I'm trusting people less.
For the time I didn't believe him,
when he told me he loved me,
and when he told me he would never leave.
Then again.
Last time I believed someone with all my heart,
that they would keep the promise they made me.
They broke it.
Then again.
I did the same thing.
All you have to do is look at my hip to know I broke my promise.
I got the idea for this next line from what she wrote.
The razor blade just looked to damn pretty.
If she reads this only two people will know I broke that specific promise.
I keep remembering what I said to him.
'I don't think I've ever felt this alone'
I believe those were my exact words.
And,
'You are the only person who hasn't walked away from me'
Can you see why I am so reluctant to trust?
I want to trust.
But I can't.
I honestly haven't told anyone everything.
I've tried a couple times.
But they turn away before I even tell them half of it all.
I just keep making myself angry.
Instead of upset.
If I don't stop letting myself get so angry I am going to relapse.
I don't ever want to do anything like that again.
I killed someones pet when I got angry once...
I've never told anyone about that.
I'm ashamed of it.
I was younger than 7.
But it is still something that will haunt me.
Someone just said something to me.
'if life were easy everybody would be doing it'
I will never be satisfied with myself.
I want my whole world to know all my secrets.
But if they did,
I would be terrified to look anyone in the eyes.
Sometimes I already am afraid to look into peoples eyes.
I hate being afraid to trust.
But I can't help it.
Give me strength.
A reason not to cause more scarring to my own flesh.
A taste is never quite enough.
I hate it when people fall in love with me.
I'm terrified of love.
I fall into it slowly,
and out of it slowly.
Love has never worked for me.
I've never been able to be with the people I've fallen for.
I honestly wish I had never fallen in love.
Love is what changed me so much.
It is what made me so miserable.
And able to see truly how ugly things can be.
But at the same time...
Love is what made me able to see how beautiful some things are.
As I'm writing this someone is confessing they have loved me for a long time.
I makes me want to run away.
And I have a bug bite on my shoulder.
I want to scratch it until the skin is gone.
I'm waiting for the day that someone will pass the tests I give them.
They don't know I give them but I do.
So far,
everyone has failed at least one.
I'm not holding back in this one.
Maybe I will let other people read it.
Maybe not.
I'm kinda ignoring that one person already can read this.
I trust her to the extent that she wont tell anyone what she reads here.
Ugh.
The sound of a microwave stopping hurts my ears.
I script everything out in my head if I plan to say something to someone.
But most of the time it never goes anything as planned.
I actually kinda like that.
I don't like it being planned.
Some people turn to me for answers.
I want to just turn them away.
And say,
'I don't know, ask someone else'
But others.
All I want is for them to ask me for answers.
Here is something I have told maybe one person.
When I sing one part of a song stronger than the rest,
or only sing that part.
And I look into someones eyes when I do it.
I am singing it only for them to hear.
I want them to listen to the lyrics.
I am telling them something.
Something that I can't put into my own words.
Sometimes.
I see absolutely no point in still being alive.
Like yesterday.
There was not a reason I could find to be alive anymore.
I'm not suicidal.
But I do hate having a repetitive life.
At least when it is alone.
I'm terrified my feelings for someone will change.
That fear is usually my downfall.
I hate crying alone in the middle of the night.
I love seeing people cry.
I may not like that they are upset.
But I like tears,
at least other peoples tears.
It still bothers me that I haven't seen some people cry.
I feel kinda dumb writing like this.
But I want it to be written out.
I'm sick of bottling this all up.
Even if someone is going to read these things.
The exact things I'm thinking.
I still want them there.
Well,
somewhere.
I'm kinda terrified of having my picture taken.
But I love having pictures.
Even if I suck at taking them.
Pictures are solid memories.
I hate waiting for hours for someone to talk to me.
Even though I do it all the time.
My life is based around waiting for someone else.
I hate that about myself.
There are actually quite a few things I hate about myself.
I just have trouble thinking of them sometimes.
I have faults in my memory.
It bothers me.
A lot.
It is easy to make me smile.
Even when I am angry or upset or anything really.
I just don't let people know that.
For the longest time,
I hated to smile.
I still hate that I can't help but smile.
I've tried hundreds of times to slow down and look at things.
But I am just to damn impatient.
I have always needed someone to do it with me.
Which has almost never happened.
I've even asked people to.
And most of the time they wont.
I want you to stop and lay in the grass with me for hours for no reason.
You know who you are,
considering you are the only one who can read this.
If it makes it better I'll say it without skating around everything.
I want you to lay in the grass with me for hours Allie.
I'm not sure why.
But I just do,
I'm not really in control of myself.
I can't really help it.
On a different tangent.
I like being a heart breaker sometimes.
A side of me likes toying with people.
Making them like me,
act like I like them back.
Then move onto my next victim.
I do it a lot with guys.
Hell,
I'm doing it with one now.
The problem is I don't realise I'm doing it.
But that deep down part of me does.
And it likes it.
There are very few people I am truly honest with.
I like to lie just to prove I can get away with it.
I like to steal just because I can.
I like to hurt people because it proves that I can do it.
Why?
I honestly don't know.
I don't understand myself really.
I kinda wish they had a pill for me to take to make me all better.
'I want to be normal'
Define normal to me.
There is no normal.
I catch people in lies a lot.
But I just let them lie.
Make them think I believe them.
It is kind of a funny power game.
Who considers me twisted.
Raise your hand.
I mean it.
I'll raise mine now.
There.
Does it make you happy to know how truly fucked up I can be.
I'm not talking to you,
just general population.
Even if they aren't reading this like you are.
I love to write out lyrics.
Just because I can.
When I have a place of my own.
I want a room dedicated to written things.
Things that I write.
Things that other people write.
I love reading what other people write.
But It scares the living hell out of me for others to read what I write.
I feel dumb when they do.
I hate being said goodbye to.
Whenever I walk away from someone I either want to run back.
Or run away.
I don't like walking.
I don't like being watched by most people.
But sometimes I crave for someone to watch me and only me.
I want to mean the world to someone.
Who means a lot to me.
I like being the most important person.
But I hate that about myself as well.
I hate to lose.
I hate not being good at things.
It bothers me so much.
And it is dumb that it does.
One of my greatest wishes is to be able to tell if someone is lieing.
To be able to get into someones head.
I am the most envy filled person I know.
And the biggest hypocrite.
Leave me alone.
Don't.
Stay with me.
Go away.
Come back.
I like to push people away,
just to see if they will stay.
I hate it.
Especially because they don't stay.
I'm tired of writing.
But I don't want to stop.
I have never written this many secrets in one place.
It kinda makes me feel to vulnerable.
Scream at me.
Make me cry.
Then kiss my tears away.
Hold onto me until I stop shaking.
Wrap your hands around my throat.
Choke me to make me remember true fear.
Then make me feel safe again.
Just to see if you can.
I kinda hate what I just wrote.
I think I'm finally done for now...
I needed to write all that.
Though I am scared for her to read it.
I hope I can still look her in the eyes when I see her next.
Even if these are only a small sliver of my secrets.
It is still a sliver that almost no one knows about.
Don't hate me okay?

Let me know if you do or don't.
Or else I will be paranoid.

Why?

What the fuck?
What is it about life.
That makes it give you a week or two of good.
Then a fucking month or two of bad!
I almost want to say I hate life right now.
I don't hate it though.
I just really dislike it for the moment.
Oh,
and I'm not making promises again for a while.
I'm sick of breaking the ones I make.
And having the ones made to me broken.
Sorry to everyone who I've broken a promise to.
Even though you don't know.

Mother, it's only half a word.

So I'm home...
And mother is apparetly angry at me.
She said to me when we got a few minutes into the drive home.
'You know you never once tried to make me being in a relationship easy for me not once'
I almost walked out of the car when she went in the store.
Then she told me when we got home I only ever thought about myself.
If I only thought about myself I wouldnt have moved out there.
If I only thought about myself this relationship would have ended a long time ago because of me.
I'm so sick of being told I only ever think of myself.
Over and over and over.
She will barely even look at me.
I tried to be nice and ask her if she wanted some ice cream because even though I'm angry at her I wanted to make her feel better.
Her answer was
'no, you know I'm just as angry at you as I am with Fred'
I'm done.

...

I wish I hadn't woken up tonight.

And it all hits you in the face.

Dammit!
I miss your voice,
hugging you whenever I see you,
holding your hand,
kissing you,
seeing you smile,
seeing you blush,
looking at you in general,
even being in your general company!
I miss running across campus to see you,
I miss giving Phelan a dumb exuse because I'm late to art every day,
I miss sitting behind the science building with you,
I miss seeing the butterflys with you,
insdead of seeing them and being reminded of you.
I miss finding reasons to stay after school with you.
And knowing that I am going to see you just the next day when I kiss you goodbye...
I miss being able to look into your eyes.
I miss the feeling I get whenever I'm around you.
I miss everything...

I miss you.

Same things.

I saw an image in my head today.
Of you.
And you were holding a baby.
I think it was yours.
It looked like you.
It made me remember how we both want to raise a child.
I love seeing you smile.
I missed it.
Normally I can look at your pictures.
But this computer wont let you.
I miss you....
A LOT.

3am sickness

I know that the stomachaches are normal.
But last night wasn't.
I am not the type to actually get medicin when I am sick.
When I wake up and I'm sick I just go back to sleep,
or stick it out.
But when your stomach hurts so badly,
that you truely belive that there are 6 of you,
that keep getting sent to other peoples bodies,
which makes it hurt more,
and that there are doctors around you,
even though you know you are just laying in yout bed.
Then something is seriously wrong.
My stomach still hurts.
It got so bad that I woke mom up crying.
I've only ever done that once before.
Mom offered to take me to the doctors.
But I wont go.
It's kinda odd,
the whole time I was laying there
tossing amd turning and crying.
I wanted nothing more than for her to be there.
To tell me everything was okay.
And that there weren't doctors all around me.
I wonder if we'll see any butterflys today.

They're back....

This is just wonderful.
My stomach aches and vomiting are back.
At least now I know why.
Not seeing her,
and moving out here.
This is not good.
These fucking stomach aches are enough to make me double over.
And I can't control the vomiting.
No wonder I haven't been hungry.
...
Damn this hurts.
I'm going to lay down before they get worse.
I'll be back online in an hour or so.
...
Goodnight Allie.

Hot dogs for dinner...

So this is what it is like,
to feel resented because it is your fault.
You took up the space.
You took away the freedom.
You can't do anything right.
You shouldn't have done this.
We are always watching you.
Every time I look into his eyes I see resentment.
Anger.
Irritation.
Annoyence.
Is this what being a foster kid feels like?
My mother doesn't even feel like my mother unless he is gone.
And all they do is fight now.
...
Ugh, hot dogs are repulsive.
So is chewing tobacco.

Another day, another thousand thoughts.

So I had way to much time to think today.
About the people I miss.
When I am going to see them next.
How summer is going to go.
Why I am angry at the people I am angry at.
Reasons to be happy.
Reasons to be sad.
Figuring out my thoughts a little more.
How much I miss her.
What this new life is going to be like.
I just plain thought about way to much.
Most of it made me really sad.
I can't help but be angry at her mom.
I was already but it just keeps coming.
Why can't we get a break?
But she said she was 100% sure.
And I am just as sure.
I want to be with her.
Even if it means going through all this.
Through all the things that make me upset,
thinking of her,
of how we were togehter,
how we will be together,
and the next time we will get to see eachother,
I can't help but smile.
I was laying on the trampoline today,
I think I was there for a good two hours.
...
I really do think to much.
...
I think I am going to go write on paper for a while before I go to sleep.
I have to babysit again tomorrow.

...

The rain makes me miss you more.

The day has come.

The song I'm listening to is called Emergency.
'It's really not your fault,
and no one cares to talk about it, talk about it,
Cause I've seen love die way to many times
when it deserved to be alive
and I've seen you cry way to many times'
Mom called me this morning and bitched at me for not having my stuff ready.
They are coming to get my by 2.
I'm taking my cats out there with me.
I want to take my computer with me.
But he doesn't have the Internet hooked up in my room yet.
So I'm going to be more cut off than I already am.
....
I just realised that I'm going to be able to talk to her even less.
Now that I can only get online after 8pm usually later.
And I have to fight him for the computer.
The Internet is going to cause a fight.
I know it is.
I DON'T WANT TO MOVE!!!!!!!!!
Great,
I'm crying again,
I need to go pack now.

I'm not an optimistic person.

I can't help but be sad that I can't see her.
But I still can't help but just smile uncontrollably sometimes.
Every time I remember,
the kisses,
the hugs,
holding hands,
pulling her out of math class,
how we both despise the bell,
the things only we know,
staying up until 2am talking to her,
yellow roses,
everything.
I am not an optimistic person.
This is such an odd feeling.

I hate it when things hit you like a ton of bricks after the fact.

I said bye to her yesterday.
I cried.
It is 8pm the next day.
And it finally all hit me.
56 days.....
That is so much longer than I thought.
...
my heart hurts.
I hate having seperation anxiety.
I miss her so damn much.

Facts.

I'm almost always extremely impatient.
I want everything to be done quickly.
I get so lost in the story when I'm reading books that people have to touch me to bring me back.
I love being hugged for no reason.
Or when I'm least expecting it.
Sometimes when I ask what you are thinking,
I want you to ask me back so I can tell you,
but it might be something that I can't just come out and say.
I eat my food in the order of what I like least to best.
My bad moods can be turned into good moods by the simplest thing.
I eat fruit loops in a specific order.
Yellow, Orange, Red, Purple, Blue then green.
I had to stop eating them because they got soggy before I was done.
If I eat soup that has potato in it I eat that first every time.
I take my dreams way to seriously.
I take what people say way to seriously.
Sometimes I like to just sit back and watch everyone.
I have a teddy bear that has a little hoodie and when something is wrong I put his hood up.
People who are important to me I ask them if they have a hoodie they don't wear anymore.
And I keep it on my bed and cuddle with it when I miss them.
I have a pair of boxers from everyone I've dated since 6th grade.
I sometimes shut out people just to see if they care enough to try and break through the wall.
I have voices inside my head that I talk to a lot.
We can hold conversations.
Their names are Jessica and Jolyne.
Jessica doesn't like most anyone.
I absolutely hate being tickled by anyone but a few people and only can I stand it sometimes.
If someone touches my throat regardless of who they are I lose control.
I grab their arm and throw it away,
I usually end up clawing off skin.
I hate sleeping partially because of my dreams,
the rest because I waste to much time sleeping.
I cry silently because my step-mom used to hit me for crying,
so I learned to be silent so she wouldn't catch me.
I have separation anxiety.
And ADHD.
My councler and friends think I may be pi-polar.
One time I pretended I was my friends boyfriend just because I could pull off looking like a guy.
Sometimes when I tell you to leave me alone all I want is for you to do the exact opposite.
I used to make a big deal out of getting hurt and my mom used to get mad at me for it,
now when I get hurt I play it way down and end up making it worse because of it.
I utterly despise sleeping alone.
In the middle of the night is usually when I lay awake and think to much,
I usually end up crying.
Sometimes I will eat my food in a weird order when I know my mom is watching just to throw her off.
I get angry and upset when people don't call me back.
I will wait by the phone or online for hours on end just to talk to someone for a few minutes.
I'm mean to people on purpose sometimes just to see if they will tolerate it.
Sometimes I laugh when little kids cry,
even though I hate myself for doing it.
I'm extremely hard to wake up for most people.
I like to pretend I'm asleep so I can hear what people say.
My life is full of a bunch of little acts.
I lie a lot.
I'm terrified of my friends parents.
If I'm in someones house or room I wont touch anything without asking.
I am afraid of people calling me annoying because someone I trusted once said to me,
'you are annoying and I don't want to be your friend anymore'
I hate to guess because I feel stupid if I get it wrong.
I absolutely hate feeling stupid.
I hate making promises because I hate even more to break them.
When I hurt someone I care for it sends a stabbing pain up my back and into my arms.
It even happens when I see them get hurt.
Sometimes I make myself vulnerable just to see what someone will do.
I love to sing but I hate it when people hear me sing.
I love to dance but I hate it when people see me dance.
I only ever offer to perform for someone if I really want them to watch me.
It is really easy to make me feel stupid.
I'm more insecure than anyone knows.
I like it when I get bruises.
Even though I stopped cutting I still find ways to hurt myself on 'accident'
I regret promising that person that I wouldn't cut.
For a year I was afraid of the color pink.
I have a strange fascination with blood.
It bothers me if someone sees me cry and I haven't seen them cry.
I cry more than anyone knows.
I love to argue with my teachers.
I can't stand the silence because I start hearing things.
I can make myself believe a lie.
There are people who I trust more than I trust myself.
I'm always afraid people think I'm lieing when I tell them about Jessica and Jolyne.
Sometimes I'm even afraid I'm lieing to myself about them.
I over think almost everything.
Rarely do I ever say something without thinking it through first.
I censor almost everything I say because of that.
When I get upset enough or am getting yelled at sometimes it feels like i'm going to fall over.
When I get nervous about telling someone something it gets hard to breathe.
Some days I truly hate myself.
There is a side of me that almost no one has ever seen.
I have a violent side to me that I have learned to keep under control.
If I hadn't learned to control that side I would be an abusive person now.
I am constantly trying to change myself...
There is so much that no one knows about me that it scares me sometimes.
It makes me wish specific people would ask more.
........
...
Is it wrong to be afraid of yourself?

oh, and I'm the biggest hypocrite I know.

Where did my mom go?

I really wish I knew.
So this morning I woke up and was very quiet.
And it took me a long time to get up.
When I finally did get up I realised why.
I'm sick,
and I feel like shit.
But mom wants me to go out to Freds house.
But I didn't want to when I'm sick.
He will make me do things I dont want to do.
Pester me to get up.
Tease me for being lazy.
And I am in a bad mood from being sick.
Bad things would happen.
And mom even aknowledged that.
She said herself I would just ruin her whole day.
But when I told her I was sick she just rolled her eyes,
and said 'greaaat'
Like i'm some burder to her.
She has never done that before.
But when I told her I didn't want to go to Freds she threw her bag down.
Walked away.
And heaved the biggest sigh.
Which made me feel terrible.
And since i'm sick I don't have much willpower to keep myself from crying like I normally do.
So thats what I did.
I cried.
My mom used to be the type of person who when I said I even felt remotely sick.
She would offer to take the day off work to take care of me.
Where did my mother go?
He is changing her....
Mom came into my room asking if she could borrow 20$
Because she wanted to buy more vodka.
Because his brother drank it all.
And she finally saw I was crying.
So in the same voice she had been using when it felt like she was yelling at me in a quieter voice.
She asks 'why are you crying?'
'I feel bad'
'well not bad enough to go with me!'
Thats the last think I remember her saying to me.
She might have said bye.
No I love you.
No I hope you feel better.
Nothing.
... I'm going back to sleep.

Oh, and I had a nightmare last night.
In it I kept lieing to her,
and then covering it up.
It bothered me,
a lot.
I don't lie to her so watching myself do it in a nightmare.
Made me angry at myself.
I've been awake for 20 minutes and already i'm sick of being awake.

So many things.

It is 2:40am and there are a lot of things on my mind.
Things have changed with the moving thing.
I miss her terribly.
Mom decided to warn me today that her mom would probably be the end of our relationship.
I almost got stranded at Wildwaves with him.
I ended up not having pants for when we went into panda express.
My throat hurts from yelling.
The anal game is amazing.
I'm sunburnt,
and slightly raw from the slides.
Mom is having doubts about him.
My eyes ache from getting woken up.
I'm not sure if I can go back to sleep.
It hasn't sunken in that I'm not going to school on Monday.
My stuff is still in the back of her car.
I got so angry today that I almost lost control,
but I didn't.
I'm proud of myself for that.
Thinking of her,
and that I never wanted her to see me lose control,
made me stop,
and calm down,
regain control while I shook in that damn panda express.
Their chow mein sucks.
My feet are cold.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me anymore.
I'm going to be living day to day for a bit I think...
I wish it wasn't 2:45am.
I need someone to talk to.
Someone to be around me.
Hug me and tell me everything is and is going to be okay.
I cried after she left today.
I ran and hugged Caleb,
and I couldn't stop it anymore.
I just broke down and sobbed.
Not only for her but for everyone,
and everything,
but watching her walk away made it final.
She never looks back when she walks away I've noticed.
And I stand there and watch her walk away,
until I can't see her anymore.
It's kind of hard to breathe right now.
Probably from being woken up.
My eyes kinda burn too.
I want to just fall asleep.
But that involves getting up.
And to stop writing.
But my mind is buzzing to much.
My sunburn makes my eyes look extremely baby blue.
And it makes my face hurt.
Apparently he doesn't love her as much as she loves him.
They don't realise I'm sitting there when they talk.
I listened to everyone for a half hour.
So on my own I figured out what was going on.
I feel like I'm repeating myself.
Probably because I write about her so much.
But I can't help it.
I said I would write what I think.
And I'm not going to change it just because she reads it now.
I miss her...
so.
damn.
much.

Dreaming secrets.

I had a dream about her last night.
It seemed so real.
Riding in a car together.
Her driving with that smile on her lips.
We are supposed to be going home,
for her to drop me off.
She is taking me home from something.
But she pulls over.
And gets out of the car.
Motioning with her hand for me to follow her.
I can't help but smile.
Just as I was running after her.
About to grab her hand as she walked.
I woke up.
And the strangest thing happened.
I almost got out of my bed.
And walked into the wall.
Because that was the direction I was going in my dream.
I had to fight the urge to walk.
This is the first good dream I've had about her.
The others were when we weren't talking.
When I had the nightmares about fighting to get to her.
And her being angry with me for trying to save her.
I wish life had a pause button.
Or a fast forward.
Or both.
I'm not going to want this day to end.
But instead of being sad,
I need to be happy.
And spend time with her while I can.
....
I feel like I'm going to cry.

NO!

HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY THIS AS FAIR!?
How can you take something like that from someone like him.
Tell me why you had to pick someone who tries to be better.
Couldn't you have picked someone more worthy.
I DON'T belive things always happen for a reason so don't try to tell me that they do!
.............
...
What are you supposed to do when one of your closest friends tells you they are dieing?

Jealousy

He was jealous.
And he just told me.
He says for a few seconds,
he hated me for it.
But he stopped in his tracks.
And he though about it for a second.
He says he can't hate me for it.
That he can't hate me.
That he has never hated me for anything.
He says that day he wanted to hate me.
That I didn't do anything.
That much is true.
I didn't do anything.
It takes two to tango.
It's over used but true.
I hate feeling guilty.
It is one of the worst feelings in the world.
To feel truely guilty.
At least for me.
I hate it when people cry over me.
But then there is that sadistic side of me.
The side I keep hidden.
It rarely shows itself,
but when it does,
I want nothing more than to hurt people.
To see their pain.
And to know that I caused it.
I hate that side of me.
Truely despise it.
That isn't me.
Today has just decided to try and beat me down hasn't it?
Well you didn't win.
I'm still happy.
Just you watch me live my life,
turn to a soundless sleep in a bed bathed in a different light.

Swing higher and higher untill you feel you can touch the clouds.

I've discovered I really love to swing.
I was staring at the sky as I did it.
It was such a strange sensation.
But a good one.
The whole time I was swinging,
I was singing.
Loudly.
Laura could hear me at her house.
I couldn't help but laugh.
Hard.
That place makes me smile.
No matter how upset I am.
I begin thinking.
About the music.
About the people.
About the things I should be happy about.
And all I can do,
is laugh,
and smile,
and swing.
Higher with the faster tempo.
Head bowed at the songs,
the ones that bring back painful memories.
But still singing.
Even when i'm out of breath.
Every time I go there,
I think of her,
then again,
I almost always have her on my mind.
Even if its just faintly in the back of my mind.
She is still there.
Swing higher and highr untill you feel you can touch the sky.
I felt like if i let go.
I would go flying.
If only for a few seconds.
I knew I would hit the ground.
Probably get hurt.
But thats why I didn't.
It was still tempting.
Apparently my friend wrote a poem about me.
I'm curious about it.
Well,
cheers to my last night.
I'm staying up.
In the morning i'm going to go back and swing again.
I hope they don't take those swings out.
For a very,
very long time.
You know what.
I want a big swingset in my backyard when I get a house.

I'm moving...

Every time I say it I start crying.
I don't want to move out there.
Not to his house.
He makes me so angry!
He wants to change how my mom raises me.
'What he says goes'
Mom told me she belives he is perfect.
That he can do no wrong.
I'm so screwed.
He wants to see me with a boy.
He is smart enough not to do much about it.
But he does pester me about it.
To top it all off,
I have to share my room with a twelve year old for 7 weeks.
Who simply cannot keep her mouth shut.
She has ADHD.
And wakes up at the ass crack of dawn like her dad.
And she will wake me up.
And cry if I don't play with her.
She wants to get her way all the time.
I learned this from the week I spent with her last time she was here.
Mom is going to help me get my licence.
But that is 6 months away since I need a learners permit first.
I need to look into the quickest way to get it.
Before he gets me killed by making me drive his truck in the woods again.
Oh,
and he drinks,
a lot.
I absolutley hate it.
And all of his friends have some facination with flicking my books,
just when I get into it and begin to not notice all the drunk people around me.
And mom is off work,
because of her neck.
She is ALWAYS going to be there.
And I have to babysitt 5 days a week.
This is going to suck,
so badly.

Should I be angry or happy?

So today was a split right down the damn middle.
The day was amazing untill guard class.
I spent lunch with her.
Gave her the necklace, the rose, what I wrote and the picture.
The smile on her lips made me melt.
I still despise the bell because it means I have to leave her to go to class.
So i pretty much didn't.
5 minutes into biology I asked if I could get something to drink.
When I saw the door to her classroom I got an idea.
Ronald went in and got her for me.
'the councler needs to talk to her about running start'
She hates math.
She was so happy that I had gotten her out of it.
They wern't doing anything.
But I got to spend an extra 20-30 minutes with her.
I only have a day left.
It was worth it.
That was all amazing.
But then guard class came.
Turns out we arn't getting PE credits for color guard!
I have to take PE my senior year because of it!
It makes me so angry,
we have earned that credit!
Then Grostick began arguing with the whole guard.
He wants the dance team and guard to be one team.
To just eliminate the dance team from the highschool.
I was shaking because I was so angry by the end of class.
Of course when I walked back in he had to say 'we are all good christians'
It made me want to rip something apart.
But I have more self control than that.
Insdead I shook and went back to math class.
But after school when I went to wait for her.
Ian put his hands around my throat.
I freaked.
It was the last straw.
I began sobbing and shaking so hard that it hurt.
Jenny had to hold me untill I calmed down enough.
I couldn't even talk.
Then she came out of her class and saw me.
I scared her.
I feel bad about that,
she ended up shaking as well actually.
But we walked behind the school and she hugged me,
she even held my hand as we walked,
she didn't say anything,
she just let me calm down.
And thats exactly what I did.
Then we went over to the junior high,
to see that special teacher of mine.
She saw how I acted towords her and knew we were dating immidiatly.
I can't help it.
That woman knows me to well for my own good.
Once everyone left the classroom she let me hold her hand.
She was so tired though.
I leaned over and layed with my head on her leg,
still holding her hand.
It made me smile,
a lot.
It's kinda funny.
A goodbye kiss even after all the bad.
Sent me away smiling and giddy.
So overall,
the day was amazing.
Even with a breakdown.

On another note,
school is out.
There went our last day.
It is going to hurt to say goodbye to her.
I know it is.
But the dreaded day is finally upon me.
Standing over me like a choking shadow.
I'm going to miss her,
so much.
This is going to be hard.
But we can get through it.
She is worth the wait.
So very worth it.

I'm dating someone now...

I was afraid to do it.
But now i'm so so glad that I did.
Never has a kiss stolen my breath so effectivly,
it left me panting and legs shaking...
It all seems like a blur.
It seems surreal.
But I know it was real.
I have the proof talking to me now,
and hopefully i'll be holding hands and kissing her tomorrow
Just when I had started saying screw it
she came along
it all happened so fast.
Everyone can see a huge difference,
I was the one who always wore a straight face!
Now i'm smiling every time I think of her,
I just can't help it.
She is worth the wait
so very worth it.
I never thought I would have someone like her.
Never thought someone that amazing would like someone like me.
I've come to realise
she likes me as much as I like her...