Just going to let it out.

I didn't realise how much I missed him.
I almost cried as I hugged him,
but I stopped myself.
I wish I could leave Shelton.
And just be gone from all these things and people.
For at least a month.
And just forget all the hurt.
The anger.
The resentment.
The problems.
Even the good memories.
I want a break.
And actually think only about myself for a little bit.
I don't care what she says.
I DO NOT only think of myself.
And people will back me up on that.
Most of the things I do are with someone else in mind.
I miss my old life.
I'm not sure which one though.
my 11 year old life where I didn't talk to anyone.
And I ate on my own time.
My friends were my cats and the neighbors horses and the neighbor.
Or maybe my 13 year old life where I was the new kid.
Back when my closest friend was Ashley.
And I was still really girly.
When I had my long blond hair.
And I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being a lesbian.
Or my 4 year old life before my dad took me away.
Back when I was still completely innocent.
When I ate begal dogs knowing mom hated the garlic breath they gave me.
When I was the only one with the umbrella in that rain storm.
Back before I knew what it was like to lose a pet.
Back when I dug that giant hole.
Or maybe my 4th grade life.
Back when I had three people doing those things to me.
But I was still happy because of that friend of mine.
When I ran through the giant field.
And played in the trees.
When I stole candy from the gas station.
When we played in the broken glass.
And in the burnt field.
In the giant bushes in the other field.
When we snowboarded down the dirt hill into blackberry bushes.
Or set 'Chuckys' coat on fire.
When we dug ourselves caves.
And snuck into the giant shed.
When I crashed on my bike and slammed my face onto the road.
I was just thinking earlier.
I also can't wait for my 'adult' life.
When all my hangers will be the same kind.
All my towels will be the same color.
So will my wash rags.
And I will buy a different scent of dish soap every time.
You know,
I don't think I will ever be able to live alone.
I hate being alone to much.
I could handle it for a little bit.
But I would hate it.
I want to scream.
And scream,
and scream.
Until someone calls the cops on me,
or someone comes and gives me a reason to stop.
Or until my voice rebels and gives up on me.
Whichever comes first.
I want everyone to know exactly how I feel about them.
But at the same time I can't bring myself to tell them.
I tried already once.
It didn't work.
You know.
I haven't fully admitted it to myself.
But my separation anxiety is getting worse.
Much worse.
And I'm trusting people less.
For the time I didn't believe him,
when he told me he loved me,
and when he told me he would never leave.
Then again.
Last time I believed someone with all my heart,
that they would keep the promise they made me.
They broke it.
Then again.
I did the same thing.
All you have to do is look at my hip to know I broke my promise.
I got the idea for this next line from what she wrote.
The razor blade just looked to damn pretty.
If she reads this only two people will know I broke that specific promise.
I keep remembering what I said to him.
'I don't think I've ever felt this alone'
I believe those were my exact words.
And,
'You are the only person who hasn't walked away from me'
Can you see why I am so reluctant to trust?
I want to trust.
But I can't.
I honestly haven't told anyone everything.
I've tried a couple times.
But they turn away before I even tell them half of it all.
I just keep making myself angry.
Instead of upset.
If I don't stop letting myself get so angry I am going to relapse.
I don't ever want to do anything like that again.
I killed someones pet when I got angry once...
I've never told anyone about that.
I'm ashamed of it.
I was younger than 7.
But it is still something that will haunt me.
Someone just said something to me.
'if life were easy everybody would be doing it'
I will never be satisfied with myself.
I want my whole world to know all my secrets.
But if they did,
I would be terrified to look anyone in the eyes.
Sometimes I already am afraid to look into peoples eyes.
I hate being afraid to trust.
But I can't help it.
Give me strength.
A reason not to cause more scarring to my own flesh.
A taste is never quite enough.
I hate it when people fall in love with me.
I'm terrified of love.
I fall into it slowly,
and out of it slowly.
Love has never worked for me.
I've never been able to be with the people I've fallen for.
I honestly wish I had never fallen in love.
Love is what changed me so much.
It is what made me so miserable.
And able to see truly how ugly things can be.
But at the same time...
Love is what made me able to see how beautiful some things are.
As I'm writing this someone is confessing they have loved me for a long time.
I makes me want to run away.
And I have a bug bite on my shoulder.
I want to scratch it until the skin is gone.
I'm waiting for the day that someone will pass the tests I give them.
They don't know I give them but I do.
So far,
everyone has failed at least one.
I'm not holding back in this one.
Maybe I will let other people read it.
Maybe not.
I'm kinda ignoring that one person already can read this.
I trust her to the extent that she wont tell anyone what she reads here.
Ugh.
The sound of a microwave stopping hurts my ears.
I script everything out in my head if I plan to say something to someone.
But most of the time it never goes anything as planned.
I actually kinda like that.
I don't like it being planned.
Some people turn to me for answers.
I want to just turn them away.
And say,
'I don't know, ask someone else'
But others.
All I want is for them to ask me for answers.
Here is something I have told maybe one person.
When I sing one part of a song stronger than the rest,
or only sing that part.
And I look into someones eyes when I do it.
I am singing it only for them to hear.
I want them to listen to the lyrics.
I am telling them something.
Something that I can't put into my own words.
Sometimes.
I see absolutely no point in still being alive.
Like yesterday.
There was not a reason I could find to be alive anymore.
I'm not suicidal.
But I do hate having a repetitive life.
At least when it is alone.
I'm terrified my feelings for someone will change.
That fear is usually my downfall.
I hate crying alone in the middle of the night.
I love seeing people cry.
I may not like that they are upset.
But I like tears,
at least other peoples tears.
It still bothers me that I haven't seen some people cry.
I feel kinda dumb writing like this.
But I want it to be written out.
I'm sick of bottling this all up.
Even if someone is going to read these things.
The exact things I'm thinking.
I still want them there.
Well,
somewhere.
I'm kinda terrified of having my picture taken.
But I love having pictures.
Even if I suck at taking them.
Pictures are solid memories.
I hate waiting for hours for someone to talk to me.
Even though I do it all the time.
My life is based around waiting for someone else.
I hate that about myself.
There are actually quite a few things I hate about myself.
I just have trouble thinking of them sometimes.
I have faults in my memory.
It bothers me.
A lot.
It is easy to make me smile.
Even when I am angry or upset or anything really.
I just don't let people know that.
For the longest time,
I hated to smile.
I still hate that I can't help but smile.
I've tried hundreds of times to slow down and look at things.
But I am just to damn impatient.
I have always needed someone to do it with me.
Which has almost never happened.
I've even asked people to.
And most of the time they wont.
I want you to stop and lay in the grass with me for hours for no reason.
You know who you are,
considering you are the only one who can read this.
If it makes it better I'll say it without skating around everything.
I want you to lay in the grass with me for hours Allie.
I'm not sure why.
But I just do,
I'm not really in control of myself.
I can't really help it.
On a different tangent.
I like being a heart breaker sometimes.
A side of me likes toying with people.
Making them like me,
act like I like them back.
Then move onto my next victim.
I do it a lot with guys.
Hell,
I'm doing it with one now.
The problem is I don't realise I'm doing it.
But that deep down part of me does.
And it likes it.
There are very few people I am truly honest with.
I like to lie just to prove I can get away with it.
I like to steal just because I can.
I like to hurt people because it proves that I can do it.
Why?
I honestly don't know.
I don't understand myself really.
I kinda wish they had a pill for me to take to make me all better.
'I want to be normal'
Define normal to me.
There is no normal.
I catch people in lies a lot.
But I just let them lie.
Make them think I believe them.
It is kind of a funny power game.
Who considers me twisted.
Raise your hand.
I mean it.
I'll raise mine now.
There.
Does it make you happy to know how truly fucked up I can be.
I'm not talking to you,
just general population.
Even if they aren't reading this like you are.
I love to write out lyrics.
Just because I can.
When I have a place of my own.
I want a room dedicated to written things.
Things that I write.
Things that other people write.
I love reading what other people write.
But It scares the living hell out of me for others to read what I write.
I feel dumb when they do.
I hate being said goodbye to.
Whenever I walk away from someone I either want to run back.
Or run away.
I don't like walking.
I don't like being watched by most people.
But sometimes I crave for someone to watch me and only me.
I want to mean the world to someone.
Who means a lot to me.
I like being the most important person.
But I hate that about myself as well.
I hate to lose.
I hate not being good at things.
It bothers me so much.
And it is dumb that it does.
One of my greatest wishes is to be able to tell if someone is lieing.
To be able to get into someones head.
I am the most envy filled person I know.
And the biggest hypocrite.
Leave me alone.
Don't.
Stay with me.
Go away.
Come back.
I like to push people away,
just to see if they will stay.
I hate it.
Especially because they don't stay.
I'm tired of writing.
But I don't want to stop.
I have never written this many secrets in one place.
It kinda makes me feel to vulnerable.
Scream at me.
Make me cry.
Then kiss my tears away.
Hold onto me until I stop shaking.
Wrap your hands around my throat.
Choke me to make me remember true fear.
Then make me feel safe again.
Just to see if you can.
I kinda hate what I just wrote.
I think I'm finally done for now...
I needed to write all that.
Though I am scared for her to read it.
I hope I can still look her in the eyes when I see her next.
Even if these are only a small sliver of my secrets.
It is still a sliver that almost no one knows about.
Don't hate me okay?

Let me know if you do or don't.
Or else I will be paranoid.