screaming silently...

my throat aches from the screams I'm not screaming
my eyes sting from the tears I'm not crying
my tongue is swollen from the words I'm not saying
my chest is empty from the breaths I'm not breathing
my fingers are twitchy from the people I'm not touching
my lips are quivering from the kisses I haven't given
my feet are aching from the steps I haven't taken
my mind is racing from the things that I'm thinking
my stomach is sick from the things I'm not eating
my muscles are tense from the things I'm holding in
my voice box is bursting from the things I'm not yelling
my hands are shaking from the falls I haven't taken
my heart is twitching from the nightmares I'm not telling
...
my body is rebelling from the things I'm not doing.

Please Don't Kill The Freshman by Zoe Trope

'Enough of my philosophical rambling. Okay, that's a lie. Sometimes I'm sick of loving everyone. I'm sick of being the one people depend on. I'm sick of depenging on people. I care so much the skin under my fingernails bleeds and turns black, but I am rarely held, recognized, encouraged. Soemtimes lonliness makes me more vauge and cryptic'

I kind of want to sit down at the coffee shop and read this book.
And no,
not because she is there.
I would actually prefer her not be working there when I did it.
Just to assure that she,
nor anyone else,
would think I was doing it because she is there.
Then again.
I don't want to worry about what everyone else thinks i'm doing.
After all,
it is the only coffee shop in town other than stands.
I think i'm going to do that when I get a way into town.
Maybe mom will take me in on Monday next week or something,
is that place even open on Mondays?
Even if it isn't,
all the better.
That place has really good hot chocolate.

There are actually a lot of things that make me smile...

Mostly memories,
like...
Back when I was in track,
I was at school wearing my sweats,
and I pulled my head and arms in,
and pulled my legs into the hoodie,
and rolled around the field like that,
and rolled around the gym like that.
Also,
another time waiting for track practice with friends,
there was only maybe 4 of us in the gym,
what we did was we spun around in circles for a while,
until we got really really dizzy,
and then we would take off running!
we ended up running into walls,
into eachother,
and falling all over ourselves,
possibly one of my favorite memories.
Or back in cross country when I had this baby blue bra with feathers on it,
I had forgotten we had a meet that day and wore it,
and when I put my uniform on,
the feathers hung out of it and made bumps,
I ended up having to just run without a bra,
you know,
I never got it back from the friend I had hold onto it for me.
Oh,
and sneaking a friend of mine out of her math class on the second to last day of my sophmore year,
I had a friend go in a tell the teacher that the office needed her,
she hates her math class.
That time in 4th grade when our class had a 'trial',
and I was the defendants attourny,
and we actually won!
OR,
back in 8th grade when I used to be late to 4th period every day becayse I would hang around the 9th graders lunch,
when Saon and I would always run to eachother,
hug,
and fall down on the floor.
...
I miss how life used to be sometimes.
I want to make more good memories,
not ones of fighting,
and being anxious all the time,
but of playing,
being carefree for a little bit,
even sad memories are better than these stress filled ones i'm making,
where I feel split in two about almost everything,
I feel like i'm being turned into a skitzoid by my own friends and family!
Make it stop!
ugh.
I'm going to reminice with myself for a while of the good memories now.

This isn't even remotely a good feeling.

There are a few things that I have learned that really bother me.
I have only been to a handful of towns in my life.
This bugs the hell out of me.
If you know a lot about my tendencies,
and about how my mind works even a little.
You should understand why.
Also,
Any time I get shown the situation with a younger and older sister.
It makes me remember far to much.
Think far to much.
I don't even know if i've told you,
(the first person I gave this link to)
about my sister.
I don't remember what all i've told you really.
Oh,
the 12 year old will be gone when I get home tomrrow.
So will everyone else.
But they are dropping her off back home.
I wont see her again for a while.
I have my room back.
And in a week the season will start up finally.
Mom and I both think that things will be much better with her gone,
and me out of the house more.
Last night we left.
We were sick of him being a drunken idiot.
He wouldnt leave me alone when I was in my room crying.
When he told me to look at him I said no.
So instead of just crying then calming down,
he upset me more and drove me to doing the breathing thing.
Mom saw red.
So after everything that had been going on.
We left.
We went into town and stayed the night at moms friends house.
(whom said we could stay there any time,
i could go there whenever I needed to
and she would even come get me)
We ended up going back today.
But not until he said he would stop with the hard liquor.
Which is what makes him such an asshole drunk.
Mom finally told him how much I hate being around him when he is drunk.
When he is drunk.
He honestly disgusts me.
To the point where I don't want to talk to him.
Don't want to look at him.
Don't even want him to touch me.
Which is why I always try and leave when I know he is going to get drunk.
I just want this next week to get over with so I can go to band camp.
Once the season starts.
And school starts.
I will see my friends,
be out of the house,
and have much less time to over-think things.
I'm pretty sure things will be a lot better then.
I really want to pull my act together this year...
It is kinda late in the game to do this.
But it is better than just giving up.
Or to continue with getting C's and D's

I feel like the lowest of the low.

I really do feel like shit.
I feel sick.
But it's more emotionally.
I finally admitted something to myself tonight.
And by doing that.
I admitted that almost a year of my life was a complete lie.
And I played with someones heart terribly.
But to try and fix that mistake.
I will never tell that person what I admitted to myself.
I really do feel like a scum bag.
I also put something else in words that i havn't been able to do yet.
And I don't think i'll ever be able to tell anyone other than who I told tonight.
Especially not the person it's about.
I just couldn't I don't think.
But I fucking hate keeping secrets from some specific people.
They know who they are.
But I will say this.
Though I don't think I could tell you about this.
I still wont lie.
I kind of want to talk to you about it a little.
But I don't think I can actually tell it to you.
You know who you are because you know for a fact that I havn't lied to you.
I don't know if I can sleep tonight.
I don't think I can face my dreams.
And i'm at someone elses house which is going to make this very hard.
And that fact alone makes me feel even worse.
Since her mom just woke up.

I like being a spur of the moment person.

I like doing things because I want to,
not because I have to.
I like doing things that most people havn't done,
or that some people find meaningless.
Have you ever layed out in the middle of a road for two hours in the middle of the night?
Or cut the tops off glowsticks and had a fight with it at night so you could see who got hit?
Gone swinging in the middle of the night?
Swimming at a pitch black swiming hole at midnight?
Walked to the store in the dark just because you could?
Dropped everything you were doing to run outside in all your clothes when it was raining?
Sat on a roof and stared at the stars?
Watched the sunset all the way through?
Stayed up all night just because you wanted to see the sunrise?
Talked to someone you just met for hours and hours on the phone just for the sake of talking and meeting someone new?
Hugged a stranger not just to be wierd?
Walked around for hours at night, not actually going anywhere?
Searched all over town for a place that serves steamed clams just becuase suddenly you craved them?
Spent 20$ on junk food and eaten it all the same night with a friend just because you felt like it?
Got up and left just because you could and wanted to?
Like I said.
I like being a spur of the moment person.
I like to be able to say i've done these things.
I'm the type of person who will park her car and go climbing up a hill,
or running through the fields,
or woods,
along the side of the road.
Just because I happened to look out the window and got the urge.
I'm the type of person to get up and leave for a week, and just drive without a map, then half way through the week buy one and find out how to get back or where the hell I am.
I'm the type of person who will show up at your window at the wierdest most random times and ask you to go somewhere just for the sake of doing something.
And at the same time i'm the type of person who will sit and read for hours.
The one who will drive you somewhere you need to go, or to come get you at the last seconds notice.
Why not?
I like being un-predictable.
So why not?

What can I do...?

I hate break-ups.
I hate Lonely-ness.
I hate helpless-ness.
I hate regret.
I hate wondering.
I hate fighting.
I hate heartbreak.
I hate the look one someones face.
I hate being the one doing it.
I hate having it done to me.
I hate losing close friends.
I hate lies.
I hate promises.
Sometimes I even hate myself.
I hate my dreams.
I hate how I can't control my body feeling tired.
I hate finishing a book.
I hate being lost.
I hate all my mistrust.
I hate the feeling of sickness in my stomach.
I hate that I can't listen to those songs without getting sick or feeling pain.
I hate that one person can hurt another so badly with a simple action.
I hate thinking about the future.
I hate that I have so much hate in me.
I hate that I feel so lost.
I hate how desperate I can be.
I hate that I simply CANNOT help but mistrust.
I hate the jealousy I feel.
I hate the envy i feel.
I hate the fact that I have given up on some things.
I hate looking into their eyes.
I hate being forced to speak.
I hate that my body forces me to smile.
I hate the longing.
I hate how my head turns when I go there no matter what I do.
I hate the curiosity that pulls me to things I know I shouldn't go near.
I hate my own stupidity.
I FUCKING HATE that I hate so much.
I want to be rid of the anger that comes up so much more often.
I'm tired of feeling lost.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of hating.
I'm tired of holding grudges.
I'm tired of watching them walk away.
I'm tired of feeling like this.
But what do I do?

I hate this but I wont say it aloud.

I need to write this out.
But I wont actually say it.
All it will do if I say it is upset my mother more.
She is happy.
But i'm not.
The last few days since i've been home from camp i've grown to hate it here.
Okay,
hate is a strong word.
I really do despise being here so much.
I don't like having a 12 year old in the same room as me.
I don't like having him thinking he has control over my mother and I.
I don't like all the arguing.
I don't like him being an asshole.
I don't like that he goes days without uttering a word to me then complains to my mother about how i'm a 'spoiled brat'.
Today...
His daughter ran out of the kitchen when I was just walking in to do the dishes and she called my mother mom...
I can usually control myself better,
but what I did was answer the question she asked me,
walked into the kitchen,
and started crying.
It hit me so hard.
That someone other than my blood brother was calling her mom...
It's hard to even look at her after she called my mom that.
I resent it.
I am trying so hard not to.
But I can't help but just feel so much resentment.
Towords everyone in this goddamn house!
I have been leaving every chance I get.
I am looking forward to band camp mostly because I wont be here.
But I am scared...
Scared because he will be there.
And scared because I'm afraid that the band will become more my family than my own family.
I've already lost my sister.
My father hasn't spoken to me in almost 6 months.
I've tried to contact him more than once.
He has my new numbers.
He could get ahold of me at any time but he dosn't.
My brother said maybe two sentances to me the last time he was here from the other state he lives in.
Just thinking about all this i'm about to cry again.
But the 12 year old is in the room and would ask me about it.
It is easier to just hold it in and not explain.
When I cry,
the whole goddamn house finds out and they bug me until I tell them why.
I hate it.
That I really do hate.
I don't know...
I just felt like I needed to write this all out since I wont say it to my family.
And the only people I will say it to I havn't really talked to in almost two weeks.
I still don't get it.
Why couldn't I stop myself from crying when she called her mom...
Ugh.
I'm going to go read for a long while.
And keep my cell next to me.

I feel like I need to write, or talk, or run, or something!

I'm not exactly sure what about,
but it will come as I ramble on,
So guard camp was amazing.
We had an hour and a half of dance class each night
an hour and a half of rifle or sabre
and an hour and a half of flag,
each day.
Woke up at 7am.
Oh,
we went on hikes every day.
The first one was over 4 miles all together.
I learned a lot.
And made a bunch of new friends.
Had a gay boy think I was stalking him.
It was quite interesting.
And I fell down a large gravel hill.
And dropped my flag on my bare foot.
Ended up bursting a vein in my foot by doing that.
It's all bruised and green since it is hard for me to bruise.
oh and someone in my cabin looked at me after i said i had big dogs,
(she knows me from last year)
and said 'thats so dyke, i love it!'
I laughed so hard.
It was all around amazing.
And there was no cell reception so I wasnt bothered with the drama of life.
The first night we all slept at the highschool.
Very amazing.
Took them over a half hour to wake me up.
I was apparently poked with a sabre,
beat with pillows,
sat on,
got my sleeping bag jerked off me,
had luggage laid on me
all in an attempt to wake me up.
It was quite entertaining.
Oh and all of the rhapsody members that were at camp know me as a cluts now.
Because of the whole falling down the hill thing.
Anyways,
Him and mom got into a fight today.
And I fought with him as well.
When he left I went into the living room and turned his music all the way down since he always leaves it all the way up.
When he got home he came into my room and asked who turned it down.
So when I said he did he got pissy and said next time i was gone he would shut down my computer.
I told him to go ahead.
When he left my room he cranked his music,
so i put static-x in my sterio and put it on max volume,
mom and his daughter came in here.
Our music drowned out his.
It was pretty cool.
I got a video of us all head banging.
We laughed so hard.
Then we were outside for a long while being idiots and having fun.
Which made him even madder because we wern't walking on egg shells to make him happy.
he is a bastard of a drunk.
We both feel bad for his daughter.
I got so fed up with his idiotic drunken asshole behavior that I almost called a friend and had them pick me up.
it was pretty bad.
I got pretty angry.
One thing he said is still making me angry,
he said it to my mom
'no wonder that other guy beat the shit out of you'
that same guy slammed me agenced the wall by my throat.
And beat the living hell out of my mom quite a few times.
I refuse to talk to him tomorrow unless he wants to hear why i'm pissed at him.
I think I am going to go to a friends house tomorrow.
I got invited over.
Oh,
I also found out I live a 2 minute drive to a friends house of mine.
Also found out that mom would let me ride my bike to her house.
If that friends mom would allow me to come over at least.
I'll have to ask her about that.
So there is something wrong with my computer,
I came home from camp and it was totally effed up.
His daughter got something on it and it isn't working right.
I can't watch youtube videos so I don't have the right song for my ab workouts.
it really sucks but I cant do anything about it.
Also I found out our capitan isn't coming to band camp.
This is going to test our team a lot.
And cause a lot of stress.
Especially for _______ and I since we actually went to guard camp and are coming to band camp.
I also have a goal.
I don't want to miss any practices this year.
It is going to be hard since I am going to have to stay after school every day of practice because of where I live.
I can't wait to get my permit.
Then it will be one step closer to a licence.
Ugh.
I need to figure out a way to get my friends b-day gift to her before her b-day.
I dont want to give it to her to early or after.
I will if I have to but still.
Seriously!
a 2 minute drive!
I dunno.
I guess life is just frustrating me at the moment.
So I don't trust a word that comes from a specific someones mouth.
This specific someone is a male,
that should tell anyone who I gave the link of this blogger to,
and who knows my life situations right now,
a pretty good idea of who I am talking about.
One person in particular should know exactly who.
I am getting pretty fed up with him.
I hate it that,
other than our capitan not being there.
Having him there is the only thing I am not looking forward to at band camp.
That and couch surfing for a week is going to be interesting.
I'm really looking forward to the first day of school.
Or at least the 27th
(or whatever date juniors get their school schedules)
but at the same time I don't want school to come.
Because school time means buying school clothes.
And that means contacting my father.
Whom I havn't talked to since my 16th birthday.
'and i swear i'll know your face in the crowd
and i'll hear your voice aloud
when your whispering
hey unfaithful i will teach you to be stronger (to be stronger)
hey ungraceful i will teach you to forgive one another
heres my kiss to betray
desperate to brush the lips of gray
do you feel hallow when you think of how i lied'
that song just came onto my ipod,
it is on shuffle.
I think i want to put it on repeate for a while.
I dunno.
Honestly I am not sure what the song is about.
I suck at interpreting songs.
But this one catches my attention a little bit.
Oh
So at camp we coreographed a dance to 'the bird and the worm' by the used.
I really like it.
Our instructor called it emo-tastic
and just to add to the effect he wore a shirt to dance every class that said
'emo kids have more fun'
it was quite interesting.
my mind is repeaing itself over and over while trying to think of more things,
so before I find something depressing to think about.
I think I am going to go to sleep.
Becaue I am extremly sick of having nightmares every night.
I wish I had more than just _____'s hoodie to sleep with.
The thought of going to sleep in an empty bed is definatly not appealing.
Kinda almost makes me miss that person who decided she
'dosnt want to deal with my bullshit anymore'
okay so i do miss her.
But I need to get over it I suppose.
I guess I need to get over a lot of things.
Told you things would come out as I rambled