Christmas

Everyone says it is a time for giving,
thinking of others first for a change,
showing someone you care enough to think about them,
even if it is just something you make.
For the last couple years,
each year at the family party,
i've smiled and laughed along with everyone else,
making a point to myself that i'm not that materialistic,
always thinking I was just being selfish,
watching everyone else in the entire house open things,
I forced myself to believe I didn't care because I refused to be that selfish,
to be that materialistic,
but I realised something tonight,
Andy, Maggie and Aly,
they bought me a belt,
remembering that the last time I was here,
I had talked about needing a belt because I had none that i liked,
and my pants are always falling off my butt,
when they handed me the bag,
I began crying,
and I realised,
it wasn't that I wanted the gifts themselves,
I wanted my family to think about me enough to get something,
to think enough about me to see something and think me,
to just care that much,
and having everyone else be thought about enough,
even my mother,
made it feel like no one cared,
so when they got me something,
I couldn't help but cry,
really hard,
i'm starting again actually,
people wonder why I hate christmas sometimes,
or why i love coming to my cousins house so much,
I feel comfertable here,
relaxed,
thought about,
cared for,
they actually understand,
I think,
and even if that isn't the case,
i still feel like a real human being when i'm here,
unlike when i'm back in that fucking town of ours.