Old Secrets. New Explinations.

1. Sometimes I wish he would just hate me.
2. I am extremly jealous of him, him, and him.
3. I look back to see if she has posted any bulletins on myspace.
4. I've never been as good a kid as my mom thinks I am.
5. I only ever put up even a small fight to the first person who tried to do that to me, I just let the others.
6. I wish so badly that I could just say the right thing all the time.
7. I've never ever been happy with who I am.
8. I want to be for her what he is for her.
9. I wish I wasn't a lesbian.
10. I am an attention seeker.
11. A couple times I have questioned my sexuality but deep down I know that I can never be with a guy and be happy.
12. I change myself to make someone like me no matter how hard I try not to, so I have been looking for someone who's outline fits the real me. I've found two people but I can't have either of them, maybe time will change that for you though, I can only hope.
13. I don't think I love her anymore.
14. I've only ever loved two people, I still promise her that I loved her even though I didn't.
15. Sometimes I want to die just to see how people will react.
16. I am really good at finding ways to tell someone the truth... just not the whole truth, but in the way I say it makes it the truth even if it dosn't include everything.
17. I have lied to absolutley everyone I know.
18. I am extremly uncomfterble with saying the words 'I love you'
19. It is getting harder and harder to fight down the side of me that likes to cause pain.
20. I can't get her out of my head, even though I said I would keep her in the back of my mind, the things in the back of my mind tend to be the things I think about most.
21. I am working really hard to stop lieing to certian people, and they don't even know i've lied to them.
22. I really dislike the numbers 3 and 7.
23. I can't help but not trust people, you can't tell if someone is lieing, I always doubt that people like me.
24. I am extremly insecure.
25. I can't help but be angry with her for breaking her promise.

1. This was to Caleb, I still wish sometimes he would hate me, but at the same time being his 'friend' allowes me to find out things that keep other people from getting hurt more or hurt at all. Besides, I hit him a lot, my own way of a sort of small payback for Allie.
2. I don't remember who these refer to, probably Korey, Jamie's boy whos name I can't remember right now and I dunno who else.
3. This was to Allie, I used to look back to see if she had posted any new things so i could learn more about her
4. This is self explanitory really.
5. This is something I've never admitted to anyone, though i will say that I began fighting my stap-father at the end, I'm glad I ended it by myself.
6. I really do, I feel like I drive people away because sometimes I just say stupid things that I don't mean, and I want to impress some specific people
7. It's true, there are to many things I do, or habits that i have, or urges that I act or don't act on, that make me far to unhappy with the kind of person i am.
8. This was directed towords allie when Korey and her were dating and he was able to be at her house to talk for hours or just to talk to period, I wanted to be the one she told everything, not him.
9. Sometimes i really do, and now i'm not even sure if I really am, being straight would just make life so much easier.
10. And I hate it, but at the same time I don't, my attention seeking works, and I love it, except when i don't want it, it is all still there and I don't udnerstand it untill i remind myself that I brought it all on myself.
11. Okay so I thought that I would never be happy, i think it is a fear that keeps me unhappy about it honestly, the fear of those 5 males in my past. Any fear that i have that they might be the reason I can't be with a guy or don't feel comfertable with it just pisses me off.
12. This is pretty self explanitory as well, there are three now though, Jamie (kinda) Allie and Megan.
13. This is towords Jamie, and I don't love her, not like that at least.
14. Jamie and Laura, or at least what I feel is love, it may not be, it may be, but I don't like talking about love much anymore. I promised Kt I loved her, but it wasn't the same, i'll never tell her the truth.
15. Self explanitory as well, I think at some point in most peoples life, they wonder the same thing.
16. I really am, and still am, I try not to do it as much, but I still do.
17. Some of them were tiny petty lies that didn't mean anything, some of them I told the truth as soon as I said it, but it was still a lie, and i've still lied to absolutley everyone, Allie is the one i've lied least to though, i told the truth about 2 seconds after i had lied, it was just stupid, me saying i was taking a picture, when i was taking a video, but it still counts
18. I think many people are honestly, i fear that i don't mean it when I do say it because i'm almost never sure if i do.
19. Luckily that isn't as true anymore, it is still there, it is still part of me, probably always will be, and sometimes I let it loose, but it isn't struggling to become me anymore
20. This was to allie, and at the time I couldn't, for a long time I didn't think i would get over her, but it slowly faded, there is still something there, nothing I intend to act on or is really even big enough to mention, someday it may come back to me, maybe it wont, who knows, but i'm just happy that we are still friends after all this and that I can protect her from Caleb and hit him occasionally for her.
21. This is still true, i'm doing better, but there are new people
22. I don't know what this means anymore
23. I'm also getting better at this, I doubt I will ever get over it because it is a logical fear, but it dosn't control me anymore
24. Not as much anymore, but for some things, more so
25. This was to Allie, i'm not angry anymore, but I think it was more hurt, that she had promised she wouldn't give up, I had just wanted it to work, but it didn't, I don't care that it didn't anymore, i just hope whoever gets her, deserves her.

As you can probably tell, i wrote these secrets down back when i still liked Allie, but a lot has changed.