It's what makes us want to die and it's what we live for.
It's soft, flowing beauty and sharp, military percision.
It's innumerable hours of practice and a five minute performance.
It's what keeps us in shape and its what gives us every chronic injury known to man.
It's buckets worth of sweat and tears and a lifetime's worth of laughter and satisfaction.
It's pushing our team to be the best and pushing ourselves to be even better.
It's bruises on places we didn't know we had that turn colors we didn't know existed. Its a connection with our equipment, with the crowd, with our bodies, and with each other.
It's that indescribeable euphoria, that incredible sense of achievement, that can only be felt when the last note of music plays and the crowd begins to cheer.
It's everything.
It's our chosen way of life.
It's the air we breath.
It's an obsession.
It's passion.
It's life.
It's who we are.
We are loud.
We are determined.
We are athletes.
We are artists.
We are passionate.
We are different.
We are obsessed.
We are family.
We are preformers.
The only way to truely describe it is to say; WE ARE COLORGUARD.
Don't even try to understand.
You can't.
We can't even really explain it.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Post Secrets
I want the books,
but for now I will just read the blog,
one said,
'I sleep around because I want to devalue sex.
That way,
I can devalue being raped.'
I've never been raped,
but I have been sexually abused,
this one gets to me,
well,
they all do in a way,
but this one more so than most.
but for now I will just read the blog,
one said,
'I sleep around because I want to devalue sex.
That way,
I can devalue being raped.'
I've never been raped,
but I have been sexually abused,
this one gets to me,
well,
they all do in a way,
but this one more so than most.
Today...
Has been a suprisingly good day,
last night due to what I was reading and something I saw,
I said to myself,
i'm going to have a nightmare tonight,
I just knew I would,
and I did,
but it was more interesting than anything,
I was searching,
like in the book,
for the same things,
and I woke up before we searched the basement of Senioras house
(Jack and Fae will understand what book from that)
I was actually kinda wishing to go back to sleep,
I wanted to know what would be there,
and it was scarey,
but not terrifying,
and not entirely unpleasent,
but it was still a nightmare,
and I did think I saw a white cat hanging from a noose from my ceiling,
but it was just a trick of the light,
but that was when I was awake,
and last night,
anyways,
so still,
today was suprisingly good,
even if the weather was fucked haha
dunno how to explain it,
today was just good,
I think I need to go clean now
last night due to what I was reading and something I saw,
I said to myself,
i'm going to have a nightmare tonight,
I just knew I would,
and I did,
but it was more interesting than anything,
I was searching,
like in the book,
for the same things,
and I woke up before we searched the basement of Senioras house
(Jack and Fae will understand what book from that)
I was actually kinda wishing to go back to sleep,
I wanted to know what would be there,
and it was scarey,
but not terrifying,
and not entirely unpleasent,
but it was still a nightmare,
and I did think I saw a white cat hanging from a noose from my ceiling,
but it was just a trick of the light,
but that was when I was awake,
and last night,
anyways,
so still,
today was suprisingly good,
even if the weather was fucked haha
dunno how to explain it,
today was just good,
I think I need to go clean now
Monday, March 24, 2008
Horrendus
I'm tired of the social flare that I seem to lack in life,
as I said,
I wish to be free,
but as a seventeen year old high school student who doesn't even have her own room,
I honestly don't think that is possible right now,
and in all honesty,
I'm not even sure why I have this sudden urge to be free,
probably because I found someone I want to be around,
and can never do that for lack of a car,
I guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely,
and my usual vices aren't helping,
I need to find a new temporary solution
as I said,
I wish to be free,
but as a seventeen year old high school student who doesn't even have her own room,
I honestly don't think that is possible right now,
and in all honesty,
I'm not even sure why I have this sudden urge to be free,
probably because I found someone I want to be around,
and can never do that for lack of a car,
I guess I'm just feeling a bit lonely,
and my usual vices aren't helping,
I need to find a new temporary solution
Sunday, March 23, 2008
...
She is out for the night,
cause she was upset by someone,
she is wearing my pants,
I hope she doesn't spill alcohol on them,
here I am talking about her like she is a drunk,
but she isn't,
in reality she doesn't drink that often,
I'm just not used to it,
and tonight isn't a good night to be alone,
again,
having her in the room is what keeps me from doing things I shouldn't do,
oops,
I forgot,
you didn't know that,
I think I'm going to go to the field tomorrow at lunch,
sounds like a plan
self destruction at its finest.
cause she was upset by someone,
she is wearing my pants,
I hope she doesn't spill alcohol on them,
here I am talking about her like she is a drunk,
but she isn't,
in reality she doesn't drink that often,
I'm just not used to it,
and tonight isn't a good night to be alone,
again,
having her in the room is what keeps me from doing things I shouldn't do,
oops,
I forgot,
you didn't know that,
I think I'm going to go to the field tomorrow at lunch,
sounds like a plan
self destruction at its finest.
I need a good rant
I'm not entirely sure what to do,
haha,
I just realized this is going to sound like its comeing from a confused teenage girl,
I guess its about the time I act 'normal' for once,
who am I kidding,
I don't like 'normal',
I will never be the societys standard of 'normal',
i'm left handed,
I like girls,
i'm not christian,
I have piercings other than my ears,
I don't want to go to college,
I only live with one parent,
I don't change out of my pajamas when I go to school sometimes,
anyways,
this was not the point of this blog,
the point is something else,
so I was rediculously jealous last night,
watching him hold onto her,
watching him dance with her,
I probably never should have gone to that dance,
its even worse,
because I don't have much of a right to be jealous,
I don't plan on asking her to date me,
she said yes to him,
and I like Green as well,
And do be honest,
I can actually see things going places with Green,
the other day we were talking,
and she was trying to convince me to move in with her after highschool,
I said we would see when the time got here,
and we would see how things are between us then,
she said either way,
I dunno,
I actually found out the other day we were both afraid we liked the other to much,
And I was listening to songs from the movie we watched together,
god it made me miss her,
I was incredibly happy at her house,
hah,
she keeps telling me to move to her town,
some people might not like hearing those things,
but I do,
I have issues with feeling unwanted,
those things are very reassuring for me,
help me not be scared,
one thing I am slightly frightened about,
she doesn't know some of the issues I have,
then again,
i'm working on them,
and succeeding for the most part,
i dont think i'm going to get to sleep any time soon tonight.
haha,
I just realized this is going to sound like its comeing from a confused teenage girl,
I guess its about the time I act 'normal' for once,
who am I kidding,
I don't like 'normal',
I will never be the societys standard of 'normal',
i'm left handed,
I like girls,
i'm not christian,
I have piercings other than my ears,
I don't want to go to college,
I only live with one parent,
I don't change out of my pajamas when I go to school sometimes,
anyways,
this was not the point of this blog,
the point is something else,
so I was rediculously jealous last night,
watching him hold onto her,
watching him dance with her,
I probably never should have gone to that dance,
its even worse,
because I don't have much of a right to be jealous,
I don't plan on asking her to date me,
she said yes to him,
and I like Green as well,
And do be honest,
I can actually see things going places with Green,
the other day we were talking,
and she was trying to convince me to move in with her after highschool,
I said we would see when the time got here,
and we would see how things are between us then,
she said either way,
I dunno,
I actually found out the other day we were both afraid we liked the other to much,
And I was listening to songs from the movie we watched together,
god it made me miss her,
I was incredibly happy at her house,
hah,
she keeps telling me to move to her town,
some people might not like hearing those things,
but I do,
I have issues with feeling unwanted,
those things are very reassuring for me,
help me not be scared,
one thing I am slightly frightened about,
she doesn't know some of the issues I have,
then again,
i'm working on them,
and succeeding for the most part,
i dont think i'm going to get to sleep any time soon tonight.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Ugh
So I really hate school dances sometimes,
yes I have a good time at some point during the dance,
but most of the time I end up crying,
or jealous,
this is really getting old,
i'm not going to junior prom unless I have someone I ask and actually want to go with.
Tonight was rediculous
yes I have a good time at some point during the dance,
but most of the time I end up crying,
or jealous,
this is really getting old,
i'm not going to junior prom unless I have someone I ask and actually want to go with.
Tonight was rediculous
Poet
Whenever I am around you,
I begin thinking about all the things I wish I thought about on my own,
I just thought you should know that,
and I check it every time I get online,
someone hears what you say,
even if it isn't the person you want to hear it,
but hey,
its something isn't it?
I begin thinking about all the things I wish I thought about on my own,
I just thought you should know that,
and I check it every time I get online,
someone hears what you say,
even if it isn't the person you want to hear it,
but hey,
its something isn't it?
Friday, March 21, 2008
Don't
I want to leave this empty house,
and I kind of want to show you that dead thing,
its very beautiful,
and I was suprised to find it in this town of ours,
but I think you would like it,
i'm not entirely sure though,
oh well,
worth a try,
I think I need to go on a walk,
to bad my mother dosn't trust the people of this world enough to let me go by myself.
Though I have also learned she dosn't trust me either.
and I kind of want to show you that dead thing,
its very beautiful,
and I was suprised to find it in this town of ours,
but I think you would like it,
i'm not entirely sure though,
oh well,
worth a try,
I think I need to go on a walk,
to bad my mother dosn't trust the people of this world enough to let me go by myself.
Though I have also learned she dosn't trust me either.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Thank life for guard
So the practice I just had is exactly what I needed to snap me out of the funk i've been in,
the real test will be in the morning when I get up,
but half way through practice I was supposed to go in for the big impact of the show,
and I completely missed it,
for the first time in my guard career,
because I was thinking about Green,
and it all kinda fell into place,
my mood improved,
I began working harder,
I got hungry >.<
and so on,
so I just came home and tore into the pizza,
ate three pieces when I usually eat one,
drank a huge glass of root beer,
found out something that made me smile through text from Poet,
and when i'm done dinking around online,
i'm going to go take a MUCH needed shower,
use my new body wash,
extra shampoo and conditioner and brush my teeth really well,
change into clean fricking pajamas,
wash all my blankets and listen to music while I read and text the people I care about,
I still don't know what exactly what was wrong,
but i'm beginning to feel better,
which is nice,
its amazing how much the little things can mean,
a random hug,
a sweet little text,
just showing someone you are thinking about them,
LF doesn't know how much she helped at practice,
without even saying a word,
also,
I think I need to find more friends,
I am relying way to much on people that have no time for me
the real test will be in the morning when I get up,
but half way through practice I was supposed to go in for the big impact of the show,
and I completely missed it,
for the first time in my guard career,
because I was thinking about Green,
and it all kinda fell into place,
my mood improved,
I began working harder,
I got hungry >.<
and so on,
so I just came home and tore into the pizza,
ate three pieces when I usually eat one,
drank a huge glass of root beer,
found out something that made me smile through text from Poet,
and when i'm done dinking around online,
i'm going to go take a MUCH needed shower,
use my new body wash,
extra shampoo and conditioner and brush my teeth really well,
change into clean fricking pajamas,
wash all my blankets and listen to music while I read and text the people I care about,
I still don't know what exactly what was wrong,
but i'm beginning to feel better,
which is nice,
its amazing how much the little things can mean,
a random hug,
a sweet little text,
just showing someone you are thinking about them,
LF doesn't know how much she helped at practice,
without even saying a word,
also,
I think I need to find more friends,
I am relying way to much on people that have no time for me
I have no witty title today
You don't have to be alone to be lonely,
and I proved that to myself today,
I was in a school with over 700 other people,
I can honestly say I have almost never felt so alone,
And I felt like I wasn't even there,
felt like I was watching myself from the outside,
and I have to say,
I looked like hell,
I'm getting worried,
because i'm losing my willpower,
something I have striven for so long to obtain,
and to keep,
and i'm just giving it up,
I can't make myself get up in the morning,
i've missed the bus twice this week because of it,
i'm constantly sick because I don't eat like I should,
i'm to lazy to get up and get myself something decent,
I don't take care of myself,
... I havn't taken a shower in a week,
and i've only brushed my hair three times this week,
I feel disgusting but I keep laying down at night and remembering,
...I should have done so much more,
I am falling behind in classes,
I remember,
oh hey,
I was supposed to write an essay last night,
five minutes before the fucking class starts,
I havn't changed my shirt in two days,
I feel like i'm shutting down,
which makes no sense,
because i'm actually fairly okay lately,
I have something to make me happy,
but at the same time,
UGH,
I can't even fucking put it into words,
I honestly don't know whats wrong with me this time,
and that terrifys me......
....
because that means I don't know how to fix it this time...
and I proved that to myself today,
I was in a school with over 700 other people,
I can honestly say I have almost never felt so alone,
And I felt like I wasn't even there,
felt like I was watching myself from the outside,
and I have to say,
I looked like hell,
I'm getting worried,
because i'm losing my willpower,
something I have striven for so long to obtain,
and to keep,
and i'm just giving it up,
I can't make myself get up in the morning,
i've missed the bus twice this week because of it,
i'm constantly sick because I don't eat like I should,
i'm to lazy to get up and get myself something decent,
I don't take care of myself,
... I havn't taken a shower in a week,
and i've only brushed my hair three times this week,
I feel disgusting but I keep laying down at night and remembering,
...I should have done so much more,
I am falling behind in classes,
I remember,
oh hey,
I was supposed to write an essay last night,
five minutes before the fucking class starts,
I havn't changed my shirt in two days,
I feel like i'm shutting down,
which makes no sense,
because i'm actually fairly okay lately,
I have something to make me happy,
but at the same time,
UGH,
I can't even fucking put it into words,
I honestly don't know whats wrong with me this time,
and that terrifys me......
....
because that means I don't know how to fix it this time...
Monday, March 17, 2008
I feel like I should say this
So I have more of a concious then I let on in that last blog,
I really do,
but thats how I was feeling at the moment,
and for the most part,
still do.
I really do,
but thats how I was feeling at the moment,
and for the most part,
still do.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Winds of change
Corney title,
yes I know,
but I like it :)
So I am leading quite the double life,
I'm going through the motions with my body,
while my mind is completely lost to the world,
and finally getting my tongue pierced just made it all the more apparent,
I go to school,
do most of my homework,
listen to my mother as much as any other teenager does,
do the dishes when its my turn,
eat junk food occasionally,
talk to my mother when I need to,
eat silently with everyone else,
make small talk with my 'friends'
text the people I know expect me to text them,
ect ect ect,
story of my pre- age seventeen life,
it kinda seems like that birthday was the cause of all this,
because the reality of me now is,
if you don't want to know the truth about the kind of person I am then stop readin,
you have been warned,
Okay,
so those of you that know me know that I am a pretty damn paranoid person,
those of you that don't know me,
I am a pretty fucking paranoid kid,
and a pessimist,
but thats a different story,
anyways,
so recently quite a few of my friends have been coming out to me,
and before all of this I kinda had the hots for a girl from another town,
then I began developing a crush on another girl from a different town,
then once the friend from this town came out to me I re-discovered a crush I have had on her for a while,
for the sake of keeping everyone straight (haha, like any of them are straight)
anyways,
first girl mentioned we will call Row,
second girl mentioned we will call Green,
third girl mentioned we will call Sash.
Anyways,
so I went to greens house for the weekend of my birthday,
spent the entire weekend there and ended up kissing and holding hands and cuddling the entire weekend,
whelp,
she has a boy,
but he has said he dosn't mind if she kisses girls so its his own fault,
anyways,
so I really like Green,
Then I came home and that Tuesday I kissed Sash,
Then comes this week and I get my tongue pierced,
so I texted Row and told her,
turns out that is a massive turn on for her,
so pretty much the first thing she said was 'mmm god, kiss me'
the conversation went on,
I have made plans to go to her house after my season is over,
sex will almost certianly take place,
(hey I warned you)
I don't think her boy knows,
She tells me he doesn't care,
but I don't know if I believe her,
oh well.
Anyways,
so I think i'm just going to do what makes me happy,
and not fricking worry about it so god damn much anymore,
all the worrying and stress is making me sick!
I'm tired of basing my life around other people,
I have done it for so long and I need to stop,
it isn't healthy,
so I've decided for a while I am just going to see where things go,
and later on try and start a relationship with Green,
because that is what I want,
just not yet,
didn't realize that until today,
anyways,
so keeping Green and Sash and their being Bi a secret is wreaking havok on my paranoia,
I have to give them different names if I talk about them,
I can't talk about what I do during the weekends because I was with one of them,
I can't let people see my phone because i'm always texting Green and it says her name,
I can't fucking even talk anymore without worrying about what i'm saying,
so I just don't talk anymore,
i'm far to happy with this double life of mine to let paranoia or people who suck ruin it for me,
yeah I know I probably shouldn't be acting like this until i'm out of high school,
but since when have I ever done what all the other kids my age do,
the one friend I actually talk to about things understands,
and honestly,
thats all that matters,
because almost everyone else,
I don't care if they like this me or not,
if they don't
their loss,
because if you can't handle me at my worst,
you don't deserve me at my best,
I watch over those I care most about,
i'm extremly paranoid,
I have abandonment issues,
i'm a pessimist,
i'm done with identifying as lesbian, or bi, or straight, or whatever, i like who I like,
even if i'm not coming out as that until after highschool,
I fucking adore my cousins,
I adore my team,
I adore my camera,
I adore my true friends,
I live a lie and honestly don't mind anymore,
I don't even remember who all reads this anymore and don't really care,
I'm effing hungry but can't eat because of my damn tongue ring,
I hate sleep and finally realized why,
and its eleven and mother just told me to go to sleep,
so I am going to play the good little girl and stop typing now even though I'm not done,
and go lay down and pretend to sleep until I pass out,
goodnight,
and to those who sleep,
sweet dreams,
I <3 anyone who reads these rambles of mine,
and I heart you even more if you understand them.
yes I know,
but I like it :)
So I am leading quite the double life,
I'm going through the motions with my body,
while my mind is completely lost to the world,
and finally getting my tongue pierced just made it all the more apparent,
I go to school,
do most of my homework,
listen to my mother as much as any other teenager does,
do the dishes when its my turn,
eat junk food occasionally,
talk to my mother when I need to,
eat silently with everyone else,
make small talk with my 'friends'
text the people I know expect me to text them,
ect ect ect,
story of my pre- age seventeen life,
it kinda seems like that birthday was the cause of all this,
because the reality of me now is,
if you don't want to know the truth about the kind of person I am then stop readin,
you have been warned,
Okay,
so those of you that know me know that I am a pretty damn paranoid person,
those of you that don't know me,
I am a pretty fucking paranoid kid,
and a pessimist,
but thats a different story,
anyways,
so recently quite a few of my friends have been coming out to me,
and before all of this I kinda had the hots for a girl from another town,
then I began developing a crush on another girl from a different town,
then once the friend from this town came out to me I re-discovered a crush I have had on her for a while,
for the sake of keeping everyone straight (haha, like any of them are straight)
anyways,
first girl mentioned we will call Row,
second girl mentioned we will call Green,
third girl mentioned we will call Sash.
Anyways,
so I went to greens house for the weekend of my birthday,
spent the entire weekend there and ended up kissing and holding hands and cuddling the entire weekend,
whelp,
she has a boy,
but he has said he dosn't mind if she kisses girls so its his own fault,
anyways,
so I really like Green,
Then I came home and that Tuesday I kissed Sash,
Then comes this week and I get my tongue pierced,
so I texted Row and told her,
turns out that is a massive turn on for her,
so pretty much the first thing she said was 'mmm god, kiss me'
the conversation went on,
I have made plans to go to her house after my season is over,
sex will almost certianly take place,
(hey I warned you)
I don't think her boy knows,
She tells me he doesn't care,
but I don't know if I believe her,
oh well.
Anyways,
so I think i'm just going to do what makes me happy,
and not fricking worry about it so god damn much anymore,
all the worrying and stress is making me sick!
I'm tired of basing my life around other people,
I have done it for so long and I need to stop,
it isn't healthy,
so I've decided for a while I am just going to see where things go,
and later on try and start a relationship with Green,
because that is what I want,
just not yet,
didn't realize that until today,
anyways,
so keeping Green and Sash and their being Bi a secret is wreaking havok on my paranoia,
I have to give them different names if I talk about them,
I can't talk about what I do during the weekends because I was with one of them,
I can't let people see my phone because i'm always texting Green and it says her name,
I can't fucking even talk anymore without worrying about what i'm saying,
so I just don't talk anymore,
i'm far to happy with this double life of mine to let paranoia or people who suck ruin it for me,
yeah I know I probably shouldn't be acting like this until i'm out of high school,
but since when have I ever done what all the other kids my age do,
the one friend I actually talk to about things understands,
and honestly,
thats all that matters,
because almost everyone else,
I don't care if they like this me or not,
if they don't
their loss,
because if you can't handle me at my worst,
you don't deserve me at my best,
I watch over those I care most about,
i'm extremly paranoid,
I have abandonment issues,
i'm a pessimist,
i'm done with identifying as lesbian, or bi, or straight, or whatever, i like who I like,
even if i'm not coming out as that until after highschool,
I fucking adore my cousins,
I adore my team,
I adore my camera,
I adore my true friends,
I live a lie and honestly don't mind anymore,
I don't even remember who all reads this anymore and don't really care,
I'm effing hungry but can't eat because of my damn tongue ring,
I hate sleep and finally realized why,
and its eleven and mother just told me to go to sleep,
so I am going to play the good little girl and stop typing now even though I'm not done,
and go lay down and pretend to sleep until I pass out,
goodnight,
and to those who sleep,
sweet dreams,
I <3 anyone who reads these rambles of mine,
and I heart you even more if you understand them.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
This is dumb but i'm doing it anyways
1) Green
2) Sash
3) Jack
4) Roo
5) Poet
(yay for nicknames so no one knows who i'm talking about, though I bet those who know me can figure some of them out)
DON'T LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED UP THE TOP!
1. How did you meet number 3?
I'm related to her
2. On a scale 1-10 rate your friendship with number 2 .
8 most days, more like a 7 today
3. How long have you known number 4?
A bit over a year
4. How long have you known number 2?
a bit over a year
5. What would you do if 5 told you they loved you?
Depends on how she meant it
6. A fact about number 1?
I like her a hell of a lot but she isn't out so I can't talk about it to anyone
7. Who is 2 going out with?
No one
8. What does 2 do for a living?
school and sports
9. Would you live with number 1?
hah, I would if I could
10. What do you like about number 3?
I trust her more than most people and she is stronger than most of the people I know, there are a lot of things I like about her
11. DO YOU MISS NUMBER 1?
Stupid as I think it is, yes, extremly
12 What do you dislike about number 5?
That we don't talk much anymore
13. What’s your opinion of number 4?
She is absolutley amazing and its nice to see someone who acts how they want not how other people want them to
14. What's your favorite memory with number 2?
The trampoline
15. What would you do if number 2 and you were going out?
I'm really not sure, i've thought about it
16. Ever had a long conversation with 3?
Yes, I love having them, i just don't get to that often
18. Do you hang out a lot with 3?
whenever i'm in the area haha
19.How does 2 feel about you?
She likes me
20.Have you ever gone to the movies with 2?
No, we don't get to hang out much
21. How often do you talk to 1?
we text every day
22. What about 2?
every time I see her at school
23. if number 5 asked you out what would you say?
I really don't know what I would say o.o
2) Sash
3) Jack
4) Roo
5) Poet
(yay for nicknames so no one knows who i'm talking about, though I bet those who know me can figure some of them out)
DON'T LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED UP THE TOP!
1. How did you meet number 3?
I'm related to her
2. On a scale 1-10 rate your friendship with number 2 .
8 most days, more like a 7 today
3. How long have you known number 4?
A bit over a year
4. How long have you known number 2?
a bit over a year
5. What would you do if 5 told you they loved you?
Depends on how she meant it
6. A fact about number 1?
I like her a hell of a lot but she isn't out so I can't talk about it to anyone
7. Who is 2 going out with?
No one
8. What does 2 do for a living?
school and sports
9. Would you live with number 1?
hah, I would if I could
10. What do you like about number 3?
I trust her more than most people and she is stronger than most of the people I know, there are a lot of things I like about her
11. DO YOU MISS NUMBER 1?
Stupid as I think it is, yes, extremly
12 What do you dislike about number 5?
That we don't talk much anymore
13. What’s your opinion of number 4?
She is absolutley amazing and its nice to see someone who acts how they want not how other people want them to
14. What's your favorite memory with number 2?
The trampoline
15. What would you do if number 2 and you were going out?
I'm really not sure, i've thought about it
16. Ever had a long conversation with 3?
Yes, I love having them, i just don't get to that often
18. Do you hang out a lot with 3?
whenever i'm in the area haha
19.How does 2 feel about you?
She likes me
20.Have you ever gone to the movies with 2?
No, we don't get to hang out much
21. How often do you talk to 1?
we text every day
22. What about 2?
every time I see her at school
23. if number 5 asked you out what would you say?
I really don't know what I would say o.o
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I wrote this on March 6th, it was meant to be posted
So i'm turning seventeen in less than twelve hours,
this is a strange thought,
I didn't even think about being seventeen when I was younger,
and on top of that i'm leaving for the weekend in seventeen hours,
haha,
what a coincidence,
anyways,
I go to practice,
then I get home and pack,
take a shower,
talk to the girl,
write a friend back,
read,
and go to bed,
and when i wake up,
I leave for the next town over,
to get a good memory card for my camera,
yay for documentation of amazing weekends,
haha,
wow,
an opimistic remark,
I really am in a good mood,
but yeah,
so,
for the first time in years i'm excited for my birthday,
this is a strange thought,
I didn't even think about being seventeen when I was younger,
and on top of that i'm leaving for the weekend in seventeen hours,
haha,
what a coincidence,
anyways,
I go to practice,
then I get home and pack,
take a shower,
talk to the girl,
write a friend back,
read,
and go to bed,
and when i wake up,
I leave for the next town over,
to get a good memory card for my camera,
yay for documentation of amazing weekends,
haha,
wow,
an opimistic remark,
I really am in a good mood,
but yeah,
so,
for the first time in years i'm excited for my birthday,
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Had a dream last night
I was walking with three friends,
and we were talking about some things,
which I will leave out,
anyways,
they are on a different team than mine but still amazing people,
but we were trying to make these three planks of wood a lighter color,
and we were walking somewhere I wasn't supposed to be,
and my mother was walking above on the hill,
and we were trying to hide,
but she saw us,
and I got in trouble and got sent back to the trailor we lived in,
my friends left and i was by myself,
I got into the cupboards and started getting out a bunch of crap,
just a bunch of junk food,
then i looked out the window and police were walking up the ramp to the front door,
so I threw it all back into the cupboard and answered the door,
they were CPS and asked if there was any water damage in the walls,
and there was so I pointed at it,
and they inspected it,
then I was in a new place with those three friends again,
and there was music,
I don't remember it much,
but it was a school hallway I think,
it was probably the competition I hadn't been able to go to yesterday,
I dunno,
but I had a dream again,
which is kind of reassuring.
and we were talking about some things,
which I will leave out,
anyways,
they are on a different team than mine but still amazing people,
but we were trying to make these three planks of wood a lighter color,
and we were walking somewhere I wasn't supposed to be,
and my mother was walking above on the hill,
and we were trying to hide,
but she saw us,
and I got in trouble and got sent back to the trailor we lived in,
my friends left and i was by myself,
I got into the cupboards and started getting out a bunch of crap,
just a bunch of junk food,
then i looked out the window and police were walking up the ramp to the front door,
so I threw it all back into the cupboard and answered the door,
they were CPS and asked if there was any water damage in the walls,
and there was so I pointed at it,
and they inspected it,
then I was in a new place with those three friends again,
and there was music,
I don't remember it much,
but it was a school hallway I think,
it was probably the competition I hadn't been able to go to yesterday,
I dunno,
but I had a dream again,
which is kind of reassuring.
Birthdays, cameras, weddings and bad luck
So for years I have always said I have terrible luck around my birthday,
I still believe that,
but I kind of feel like it is getting better,
kind of,
and probably only will for tonight,
but hey,
why not take what I can and run with it.
So today,
I was supposed to go to a guard competition,
just to watch,
but I was looking forward to being there by myself,
without any rules,
no one to tell me where to be,
freedom to watch what I wanted and be with who i wanted,
but that didn't happen,
at the last minute my ride couldn't take me,
it wasn't so bad,
and I wasn't angry at him,
except he decided not to call me and tell me that he wasn't coming,
he just let me stand in the freezing cold parking lot,
waiting,
for almost an hour,
so I walked home crying,
I havn't walked in public and cried for a long time,
there were a lot of reasons I wanted to go other than just to be there,
people I wanted to say,
things I wanted to tell them,
things I wanted to give them and show them,
but that didn't happen.
Oh,
and a girl at the competition broke her leg while performing,
well at least that is what I was told,
after being taken to the ER they discovered it was just a dislocated knee.
Anyways,
I walked back home,
mom came out and saw me still here and asked why,
then I was pretty much left alone for an hour because people knew I was angry,
and upset,
then my aunt randomly called,
asking mom if she wanted to go shopping with her in Olympia,
but my brother is here for a visit so she couldn't,
then she came out into the living room where I was sulking and asked me if I wanted to go,
I just said sure and mom called my aunt back,
an hour later I got picked up,
my aunt wouldn't let me take my ipod,
and I am kind of glad for that now,
my mom gave me 20$ because she thinks money always makes me feel better,
but I wanted her to think she helped,
and the attempt itself was enough to make me feel a little better,
so when she asked I just said yes,
off to Olympia,
on the way there my aunt brought up my birthday,
I have hated my birthday for the last four years so I immidiatly got quiet,
she kept asking me what I wanted and I kept shrugging,
I feel bad when people spend money on me,
I know I know,
I shouldn't because its their choice,
but I still do,
so she kept asking me questions tying to figure out what I wanted,
and she began asking about my electronics,
and decided that she was going to buy me a digital camera,
I just kind of blinked,
I still don't quite understand why she spent that much without a second thought on the misfit child of the family,
then we headed to Khols and wandered around,
tried on a shirt,
it looked funny on me,
made my torsoe look short,
hehe,
anyways,
then we went to Target,
I couldn't help but notice that it was the Target that someone mistook me and my friend for homeless kids over a year ago and gave us money,
I was sleeping on a bench and she was playing with my phone,
confused the hell out of me,
back on subject,
so I bought myself a new bakini because I have had the same one for two years,
then we went to Costco,
I bought myself a three and a half pound bag of Swedish fish,
hehe,
I couldn't help myself,
it was only 5.25$
but then we went home,
it was about 5 hours later,
which was fine for me,
because I didn't want to be home,
I feel like an unwanted third person when my brother is here,
but oh well,
so the memory card doesn't work for the camera,
but I still have a new digital camera,
which is extremly nice since i'm taking photography next year,
which i am extremly excited for,
but really,
i'm actually in a pretty good mood,
which is strange,
I have been helping a girl prepair things for her wedding tomorrow,
and I have to sleep on the couch since my brother is in my bed,
so I can't go to sleep until everyone else does,
and I doubt they are going to anytime soon,
okay so I know i'm rambling,
but everyone is either stressed or asleep and this is making me feel nice,
I don't know why but it is,
so I am going to keep going,
there is a boy and two girls I have interests in,
one is an army boy going away for two years very soon,
another is a girl with a boyfriend who doesn't care what she does,
and the other is a bi girl who is still in the closet and has a boyfriend who doesn't care about her,
and is a jerk,
I must say that I want to punch him in the face,
anyways,
its kind of an interesting position,
but its... normal,
it isn't full of huge amounts of stress,
and people who want me to date them NOW,
or are posessive,
or are making it hard,
its just...
i'm talking to all three of them,
not even really looking for a relationship,
we just happen to like eachother mutually and we are getting to know eachother,
and I must say,
I fricking love it!
I was so sick of the stress of everything,
of her being pregnant,
of someone being posessive over me even though i'm not hers,
of the other being like a lusty puppy and coming after me,
it was maddening,
and this weekend,
I might be going to one of the normal ones house to hang out,
I actually drew something for her,
so i'm excited to give that to her,
anyways,
a friend of mine requested to be my friend on myspace,
after having kept me off her friends list because her mother hates me,
I was very confused,
so I messaged her about it,
and we talked a little,
it made me smile,
it was kinda the thing that made my night,
all the good little things did kinda add up,
I didn't realize how much I had missed her,
because I guess I had kinda pushed her out of my mind most of the time,
so I wouldn't realize how much I did,
thought I must say I did remember her in English every day becayse her boy is in that class.
So i'm sitting here,
a plastic toothpick in my mouth with a heart on the end of it,
becuase of the wedding prepirations,
still fully dressed and wearing my hoodie,
with my ipod playing in one ear with all my old music on it,
a phone in my pocket and my camera strapped over my shoulder like it has been all night,
its strange,
I don't really know what to do with myself after I finish writing this,
so I guess i'm kind of putting it off for as long as I can,
I would read but I can't get to my books,
which I must say is extremly irritating,
I guess Maggie is right,
she says i'm a bibliophile,
haha,
my aunt agrees after hanging out with me today,
and I kind of want more swedish fish.
Also,
I have been working out and practicing a lot lately,
I can do almost 2000 singles without dropping my sabre,
and my stomach is much stronger,
I have a friend of mine to think,
she said she didn't see our team as a threat,
so now I am driven to prove her wrong,
and while doing that I discovered she is almost all talk,
but its still nice to want to make myself stronger,
anyways,
i'm beginning to make my lip bleed from this plastic toothpick,
so I suppose i'll go sneak into my room and grab a book,
and the bag of swedish fish,
and my toothbrush for afterwards >.<
oh,
I havn't had any dreams for the last week,
ever since one of the people had a nightmare about me almost dieing,
and her saving my life,
I wonder if i'll have one tonight,
i'll post here if I do.
goodnight,
to anyone reading this,
March first was a day for the aware-ness of those who self harm,
to anyone who does,
and even to those who don't,
to everyone,
someone cares about you,
even if you don't want to believe it,
if you don't believe me,
comment this,
i'll talk to you,
and I will become someone who cares about how you are,
and if you are okay or not,
you can even email me if you like,
love_one_soul@yahoo.com
oh,
and a quote I like that I thought of,
if I have heard it before I don't remember,
I don't know,
so i'm not taking credit for it,
it just popped into my head,
'I'm walking through the ashes of the bridges i've burned'
don't let life get you down to much,
it will get better,
if you give it the time,
but while you wait,
I suggest finding a friend to help you pass the time,
or find something to look forward to,
it helps,
I learned that the hard way.
I still believe that,
but I kind of feel like it is getting better,
kind of,
and probably only will for tonight,
but hey,
why not take what I can and run with it.
So today,
I was supposed to go to a guard competition,
just to watch,
but I was looking forward to being there by myself,
without any rules,
no one to tell me where to be,
freedom to watch what I wanted and be with who i wanted,
but that didn't happen,
at the last minute my ride couldn't take me,
it wasn't so bad,
and I wasn't angry at him,
except he decided not to call me and tell me that he wasn't coming,
he just let me stand in the freezing cold parking lot,
waiting,
for almost an hour,
so I walked home crying,
I havn't walked in public and cried for a long time,
there were a lot of reasons I wanted to go other than just to be there,
people I wanted to say,
things I wanted to tell them,
things I wanted to give them and show them,
but that didn't happen.
Oh,
and a girl at the competition broke her leg while performing,
well at least that is what I was told,
after being taken to the ER they discovered it was just a dislocated knee.
Anyways,
I walked back home,
mom came out and saw me still here and asked why,
then I was pretty much left alone for an hour because people knew I was angry,
and upset,
then my aunt randomly called,
asking mom if she wanted to go shopping with her in Olympia,
but my brother is here for a visit so she couldn't,
then she came out into the living room where I was sulking and asked me if I wanted to go,
I just said sure and mom called my aunt back,
an hour later I got picked up,
my aunt wouldn't let me take my ipod,
and I am kind of glad for that now,
my mom gave me 20$ because she thinks money always makes me feel better,
but I wanted her to think she helped,
and the attempt itself was enough to make me feel a little better,
so when she asked I just said yes,
off to Olympia,
on the way there my aunt brought up my birthday,
I have hated my birthday for the last four years so I immidiatly got quiet,
she kept asking me what I wanted and I kept shrugging,
I feel bad when people spend money on me,
I know I know,
I shouldn't because its their choice,
but I still do,
so she kept asking me questions tying to figure out what I wanted,
and she began asking about my electronics,
and decided that she was going to buy me a digital camera,
I just kind of blinked,
I still don't quite understand why she spent that much without a second thought on the misfit child of the family,
then we headed to Khols and wandered around,
tried on a shirt,
it looked funny on me,
made my torsoe look short,
hehe,
anyways,
then we went to Target,
I couldn't help but notice that it was the Target that someone mistook me and my friend for homeless kids over a year ago and gave us money,
I was sleeping on a bench and she was playing with my phone,
confused the hell out of me,
back on subject,
so I bought myself a new bakini because I have had the same one for two years,
then we went to Costco,
I bought myself a three and a half pound bag of Swedish fish,
hehe,
I couldn't help myself,
it was only 5.25$
but then we went home,
it was about 5 hours later,
which was fine for me,
because I didn't want to be home,
I feel like an unwanted third person when my brother is here,
but oh well,
so the memory card doesn't work for the camera,
but I still have a new digital camera,
which is extremly nice since i'm taking photography next year,
which i am extremly excited for,
but really,
i'm actually in a pretty good mood,
which is strange,
I have been helping a girl prepair things for her wedding tomorrow,
and I have to sleep on the couch since my brother is in my bed,
so I can't go to sleep until everyone else does,
and I doubt they are going to anytime soon,
okay so I know i'm rambling,
but everyone is either stressed or asleep and this is making me feel nice,
I don't know why but it is,
so I am going to keep going,
there is a boy and two girls I have interests in,
one is an army boy going away for two years very soon,
another is a girl with a boyfriend who doesn't care what she does,
and the other is a bi girl who is still in the closet and has a boyfriend who doesn't care about her,
and is a jerk,
I must say that I want to punch him in the face,
anyways,
its kind of an interesting position,
but its... normal,
it isn't full of huge amounts of stress,
and people who want me to date them NOW,
or are posessive,
or are making it hard,
its just...
i'm talking to all three of them,
not even really looking for a relationship,
we just happen to like eachother mutually and we are getting to know eachother,
and I must say,
I fricking love it!
I was so sick of the stress of everything,
of her being pregnant,
of someone being posessive over me even though i'm not hers,
of the other being like a lusty puppy and coming after me,
it was maddening,
and this weekend,
I might be going to one of the normal ones house to hang out,
I actually drew something for her,
so i'm excited to give that to her,
anyways,
a friend of mine requested to be my friend on myspace,
after having kept me off her friends list because her mother hates me,
I was very confused,
so I messaged her about it,
and we talked a little,
it made me smile,
it was kinda the thing that made my night,
all the good little things did kinda add up,
I didn't realize how much I had missed her,
because I guess I had kinda pushed her out of my mind most of the time,
so I wouldn't realize how much I did,
thought I must say I did remember her in English every day becayse her boy is in that class.
So i'm sitting here,
a plastic toothpick in my mouth with a heart on the end of it,
becuase of the wedding prepirations,
still fully dressed and wearing my hoodie,
with my ipod playing in one ear with all my old music on it,
a phone in my pocket and my camera strapped over my shoulder like it has been all night,
its strange,
I don't really know what to do with myself after I finish writing this,
so I guess i'm kind of putting it off for as long as I can,
I would read but I can't get to my books,
which I must say is extremly irritating,
I guess Maggie is right,
she says i'm a bibliophile,
haha,
my aunt agrees after hanging out with me today,
and I kind of want more swedish fish.
Also,
I have been working out and practicing a lot lately,
I can do almost 2000 singles without dropping my sabre,
and my stomach is much stronger,
I have a friend of mine to think,
she said she didn't see our team as a threat,
so now I am driven to prove her wrong,
and while doing that I discovered she is almost all talk,
but its still nice to want to make myself stronger,
anyways,
i'm beginning to make my lip bleed from this plastic toothpick,
so I suppose i'll go sneak into my room and grab a book,
and the bag of swedish fish,
and my toothbrush for afterwards >.<
oh,
I havn't had any dreams for the last week,
ever since one of the people had a nightmare about me almost dieing,
and her saving my life,
I wonder if i'll have one tonight,
i'll post here if I do.
goodnight,
to anyone reading this,
March first was a day for the aware-ness of those who self harm,
to anyone who does,
and even to those who don't,
to everyone,
someone cares about you,
even if you don't want to believe it,
if you don't believe me,
comment this,
i'll talk to you,
and I will become someone who cares about how you are,
and if you are okay or not,
you can even email me if you like,
love_one_soul@yahoo.com
oh,
and a quote I like that I thought of,
if I have heard it before I don't remember,
I don't know,
so i'm not taking credit for it,
it just popped into my head,
'I'm walking through the ashes of the bridges i've burned'
don't let life get you down to much,
it will get better,
if you give it the time,
but while you wait,
I suggest finding a friend to help you pass the time,
or find something to look forward to,
it helps,
I learned that the hard way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
