Birthdays, cameras, weddings and bad luck

So for years I have always said I have terrible luck around my birthday,
I still believe that,
but I kind of feel like it is getting better,
kind of,
and probably only will for tonight,
but hey,
why not take what I can and run with it.
So today,
I was supposed to go to a guard competition,
just to watch,
but I was looking forward to being there by myself,
without any rules,
no one to tell me where to be,
freedom to watch what I wanted and be with who i wanted,
but that didn't happen,
at the last minute my ride couldn't take me,
it wasn't so bad,
and I wasn't angry at him,
except he decided not to call me and tell me that he wasn't coming,
he just let me stand in the freezing cold parking lot,
waiting,
for almost an hour,
so I walked home crying,
I havn't walked in public and cried for a long time,
there were a lot of reasons I wanted to go other than just to be there,
people I wanted to say,
things I wanted to tell them,
things I wanted to give them and show them,
but that didn't happen.
Oh,
and a girl at the competition broke her leg while performing,
well at least that is what I was told,
after being taken to the ER they discovered it was just a dislocated knee.
Anyways,
I walked back home,
mom came out and saw me still here and asked why,
then I was pretty much left alone for an hour because people knew I was angry,
and upset,
then my aunt randomly called,
asking mom if she wanted to go shopping with her in Olympia,
but my brother is here for a visit so she couldn't,
then she came out into the living room where I was sulking and asked me if I wanted to go,
I just said sure and mom called my aunt back,
an hour later I got picked up,
my aunt wouldn't let me take my ipod,
and I am kind of glad for that now,
my mom gave me 20$ because she thinks money always makes me feel better,
but I wanted her to think she helped,
and the attempt itself was enough to make me feel a little better,
so when she asked I just said yes,
off to Olympia,
on the way there my aunt brought up my birthday,
I have hated my birthday for the last four years so I immidiatly got quiet,
she kept asking me what I wanted and I kept shrugging,
I feel bad when people spend money on me,
I know I know,
I shouldn't because its their choice,
but I still do,
so she kept asking me questions tying to figure out what I wanted,
and she began asking about my electronics,
and decided that she was going to buy me a digital camera,
I just kind of blinked,
I still don't quite understand why she spent that much without a second thought on the misfit child of the family,
then we headed to Khols and wandered around,
tried on a shirt,
it looked funny on me,
made my torsoe look short,
hehe,
anyways,
then we went to Target,
I couldn't help but notice that it was the Target that someone mistook me and my friend for homeless kids over a year ago and gave us money,
I was sleeping on a bench and she was playing with my phone,
confused the hell out of me,
back on subject,
so I bought myself a new bakini because I have had the same one for two years,
then we went to Costco,
I bought myself a three and a half pound bag of Swedish fish,
hehe,
I couldn't help myself,
it was only 5.25$
but then we went home,
it was about 5 hours later,
which was fine for me,
because I didn't want to be home,
I feel like an unwanted third person when my brother is here,
but oh well,
so the memory card doesn't work for the camera,
but I still have a new digital camera,
which is extremly nice since i'm taking photography next year,
which i am extremly excited for,
but really,
i'm actually in a pretty good mood,
which is strange,
I have been helping a girl prepair things for her wedding tomorrow,
and I have to sleep on the couch since my brother is in my bed,
so I can't go to sleep until everyone else does,
and I doubt they are going to anytime soon,
okay so I know i'm rambling,
but everyone is either stressed or asleep and this is making me feel nice,
I don't know why but it is,
so I am going to keep going,
there is a boy and two girls I have interests in,
one is an army boy going away for two years very soon,
another is a girl with a boyfriend who doesn't care what she does,
and the other is a bi girl who is still in the closet and has a boyfriend who doesn't care about her,
and is a jerk,
I must say that I want to punch him in the face,
anyways,
its kind of an interesting position,
but its... normal,
it isn't full of huge amounts of stress,
and people who want me to date them NOW,
or are posessive,
or are making it hard,
its just...
i'm talking to all three of them,
not even really looking for a relationship,
we just happen to like eachother mutually and we are getting to know eachother,
and I must say,
I fricking love it!
I was so sick of the stress of everything,
of her being pregnant,
of someone being posessive over me even though i'm not hers,
of the other being like a lusty puppy and coming after me,
it was maddening,
and this weekend,
I might be going to one of the normal ones house to hang out,
I actually drew something for her,
so i'm excited to give that to her,
anyways,
a friend of mine requested to be my friend on myspace,
after having kept me off her friends list because her mother hates me,
I was very confused,
so I messaged her about it,
and we talked a little,
it made me smile,
it was kinda the thing that made my night,
all the good little things did kinda add up,
I didn't realize how much I had missed her,
because I guess I had kinda pushed her out of my mind most of the time,
so I wouldn't realize how much I did,
thought I must say I did remember her in English every day becayse her boy is in that class.
So i'm sitting here,
a plastic toothpick in my mouth with a heart on the end of it,
becuase of the wedding prepirations,
still fully dressed and wearing my hoodie,
with my ipod playing in one ear with all my old music on it,
a phone in my pocket and my camera strapped over my shoulder like it has been all night,
its strange,
I don't really know what to do with myself after I finish writing this,
so I guess i'm kind of putting it off for as long as I can,
I would read but I can't get to my books,
which I must say is extremly irritating,
I guess Maggie is right,
she says i'm a bibliophile,
haha,
my aunt agrees after hanging out with me today,
and I kind of want more swedish fish.
Also,
I have been working out and practicing a lot lately,
I can do almost 2000 singles without dropping my sabre,
and my stomach is much stronger,
I have a friend of mine to think,
she said she didn't see our team as a threat,
so now I am driven to prove her wrong,
and while doing that I discovered she is almost all talk,
but its still nice to want to make myself stronger,
anyways,
i'm beginning to make my lip bleed from this plastic toothpick,
so I suppose i'll go sneak into my room and grab a book,
and the bag of swedish fish,
and my toothbrush for afterwards >.<
oh,
I havn't had any dreams for the last week,
ever since one of the people had a nightmare about me almost dieing,
and her saving my life,
I wonder if i'll have one tonight,
i'll post here if I do.
goodnight,
to anyone reading this,
March first was a day for the aware-ness of those who self harm,
to anyone who does,
and even to those who don't,
to everyone,
someone cares about you,
even if you don't want to believe it,
if you don't believe me,
comment this,
i'll talk to you,
and I will become someone who cares about how you are,
and if you are okay or not,
you can even email me if you like,
love_one_soul@yahoo.com
oh,
and a quote I like that I thought of,
if I have heard it before I don't remember,
I don't know,
so i'm not taking credit for it,
it just popped into my head,
'I'm walking through the ashes of the bridges i've burned'
don't let life get you down to much,
it will get better,
if you give it the time,
but while you wait,
I suggest finding a friend to help you pass the time,
or find something to look forward to,
it helps,
I learned that the hard way.