Winds of change

Corney title,
yes I know,
but I like it :)
So I am leading quite the double life,
I'm going through the motions with my body,
while my mind is completely lost to the world,
and finally getting my tongue pierced just made it all the more apparent,
I go to school,
do most of my homework,
listen to my mother as much as any other teenager does,
do the dishes when its my turn,
eat junk food occasionally,
talk to my mother when I need to,
eat silently with everyone else,
make small talk with my 'friends'
text the people I know expect me to text them,
ect ect ect,
story of my pre- age seventeen life,
it kinda seems like that birthday was the cause of all this,
because the reality of me now is,
if you don't want to know the truth about the kind of person I am then stop readin,
you have been warned,
Okay,
so those of you that know me know that I am a pretty damn paranoid person,
those of you that don't know me,
I am a pretty fucking paranoid kid,
and a pessimist,
but thats a different story,
anyways,
so recently quite a few of my friends have been coming out to me,
and before all of this I kinda had the hots for a girl from another town,
then I began developing a crush on another girl from a different town,
then once the friend from this town came out to me I re-discovered a crush I have had on her for a while,
for the sake of keeping everyone straight (haha, like any of them are straight)
anyways,
first girl mentioned we will call Row,
second girl mentioned we will call Green,
third girl mentioned we will call Sash.
Anyways,
so I went to greens house for the weekend of my birthday,
spent the entire weekend there and ended up kissing and holding hands and cuddling the entire weekend,
whelp,
she has a boy,
but he has said he dosn't mind if she kisses girls so its his own fault,
anyways,
so I really like Green,
Then I came home and that Tuesday I kissed Sash,
Then comes this week and I get my tongue pierced,
so I texted Row and told her,
turns out that is a massive turn on for her,
so pretty much the first thing she said was 'mmm god, kiss me'
the conversation went on,
I have made plans to go to her house after my season is over,
sex will almost certianly take place,
(hey I warned you)
I don't think her boy knows,
She tells me he doesn't care,
but I don't know if I believe her,
oh well.
Anyways,
so I think i'm just going to do what makes me happy,
and not fricking worry about it so god damn much anymore,
all the worrying and stress is making me sick!
I'm tired of basing my life around other people,
I have done it for so long and I need to stop,
it isn't healthy,
so I've decided for a while I am just going to see where things go,
and later on try and start a relationship with Green,
because that is what I want,
just not yet,
didn't realize that until today,
anyways,
so keeping Green and Sash and their being Bi a secret is wreaking havok on my paranoia,
I have to give them different names if I talk about them,
I can't talk about what I do during the weekends because I was with one of them,
I can't let people see my phone because i'm always texting Green and it says her name,
I can't fucking even talk anymore without worrying about what i'm saying,
so I just don't talk anymore,
i'm far to happy with this double life of mine to let paranoia or people who suck ruin it for me,
yeah I know I probably shouldn't be acting like this until i'm out of high school,
but since when have I ever done what all the other kids my age do,
the one friend I actually talk to about things understands,
and honestly,
thats all that matters,
because almost everyone else,
I don't care if they like this me or not,
if they don't
their loss,
because if you can't handle me at my worst,
you don't deserve me at my best,
I watch over those I care most about,
i'm extremly paranoid,
I have abandonment issues,
i'm a pessimist,
i'm done with identifying as lesbian, or bi, or straight, or whatever, i like who I like,
even if i'm not coming out as that until after highschool,
I fucking adore my cousins,
I adore my team,
I adore my camera,
I adore my true friends,
I live a lie and honestly don't mind anymore,
I don't even remember who all reads this anymore and don't really care,
I'm effing hungry but can't eat because of my damn tongue ring,
I hate sleep and finally realized why,
and its eleven and mother just told me to go to sleep,
so I am going to play the good little girl and stop typing now even though I'm not done,
and go lay down and pretend to sleep until I pass out,
goodnight,
and to those who sleep,
sweet dreams,
I <3 anyone who reads these rambles of mine,
and I heart you even more if you understand them.