Today

As I was walking back from the hospital,
I ran,
And as I ran,
I hit blackberry bushes,
hard,
and when I felt the pain from the thorns,
I just kept jerking my way through the bush,
the pain felt good,
made me remember why I used blades in the first place,
i'm terrified to go into my room and be alone,
I know i'll most likely do something stupid,
and I promised her I would text her before I did,
i'll break that promise if I am alone for to long,
becuase there is no way in hell i'm telling her,
i'm trying to make myself stop thinking of ways to do it,
it would probably help it the bloody spots on my hand and legs were covered with something,
...
I need a band aid.

There have been so many

Silent screams,
trembling people,
tears,
muscle spasms,
lies,
rumors,
fears,
dashed hopes,
new wounds,
band aids,
flailing limbs,
pills,
more tears,
there were so so many of those,
it was painful to watch.

My eyes are swollen...

There has been far to much crying this last week,
I had a breakdown a couple days ago,
and today I have been crying on and off for hours,
a friend of mine is in the hospital,
she OD'd,
I sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half just to catch a glimps of her through the little window in the ICU door,
She is one of the people closest to me,
So I bought her little candy soccer balls at walmart,
she is a soccar goalie,
I dunno,
it seems like a good idea,
I wish I could go back to the hospital,
I don't mind just sitting in the waiting room,
even if i'm not allowed in the ICU.

...

So through the course of the night,
being alone in this house for the first time in a while,
I realize,
there are a lot of sounds that I absolutely hate,
alarm clocks,
musical clocks,
phone ringers,
or ring tones,
computer advertisements,
dishes clanking together,
anything rubbing on silverware,
dogs barking,
drawers slamming,
loud footsteps (only when it's quiet)
anyone talking far louder than they need to in a silent room,
alarm clocks (I hate them enough to be placed twice)
just stupid stuff like that,
it makes me cringe
:/

You really want me to explain?

I said I like you more than you know,
you asked me to explain,
I said I didn't know how,
I lied,
You really want to know?
It's because of all the things you don't know about me,
how I go to sleep early sometimes just because you are asleep already,
and I want time to pass until I can talk to you again,
I'm not as afraid of my dreams anymore,
because you are in them almost every night,
I think about you all day long,
and usually even those thoughts bring a smile to my face,
When you call me,
its the high point of my day,
I absolutley adore hearing your voice,
seeing you smile,
I love how so many songs remind me of you,
and how when I think of you,
I'm not worried that I want someone else the way I want you
I like that when I see anyone kissing,
or I see someone on TV cuddling,
I become lost in a day dream where those people are replaced with you and I
Seeing your fake name come up saying you texted me,
I break out into an uncontrollable smile,
How in those moments when with anyone else I would be akward or scared,
something is telling me not to be,
And how that quote I found,
makes me realize,
I have a strong feeling,
he may be your boy,
But I am your dance partner.

The power held.

Its a bit strange,
the things I think on a daily basis,
the things I don't actually say outloud,
like how I believe words are powerful,
there are just a way some people say things,
that make me stop and think,
or just make me stare,
and I like it,
it is kind of funny how we never say everything we want to,
like today,
I just wanted to tell the bitch to go away,
I wanted to make a smart ass remark at how she was trying to play fight,
but I didn't,
I smiled and played along,
and eventually just ignored her,
and all of this made me realize,
i'm fucking sick of this place,
I want to be in Seattle right now,
at my friends art show,
and I just want to walk,
to get out of the house and do something,
but i'm not allowed to alone,
and I don't know of anyone that will go with me...
I'm feeling extremely restless.

An unsaid thank you

Thank you for...
making me not fear me dreams,
cause now a lot of them involve you,
for making me take a second look at myself,
for the random times you call me babe,
for scaring me then delivering news that isn't really that bad,
for letting me rant and not making me feel dumb,
for not being as obsessive as me,
It may scare me,
but it keeps me from completely not paying attention to the world,
i dunno,
this one is mostly about the dreams,
i'm not so scared of them anymore,
and I have good dreams more often,
and they started when you started,
so I kinda put two and two together,
so even though you can't read this,
and i'm not sure if i'm actually going to tell you,
thank you.

So...

I feel like I need someone to talk to,
but I want it to be in person,
I don't want to type it,
I don't want to text it,
I don't want to say it over the phone,
or written in a note,
or in fleeting bits while we pass eachother between class.
It feels like it has been so long since I just sat down with someone,
with no time limits,
and just talked
Okay it doesn't just feel like it,
it has been a long time,
I just don't know who to talk to
Jack is right,
I need to know when to ask for help,
and in my way I do...
i'm just to fucking indirect,
it confuses people,
or they just don't understand i'm reaching out for help,
I know I can just say "look I need your time,
I need your help,
I need someone to listen to me,
I need someone"
I could say any of those,
but i'm afraid to
afraid that the answer will be
'i dont have time right now, maybe later
or i cant help you right now,
or i'm busy'
because thats what it seems to be right now,
the people I feel I can talk to are busy,
or are upset with their own things,
I know the simple solution is to just take a chance...
but I don't want to take the chance,
and I know I really have no right to complain if I wont take the chance,
which I guess is why I don't complain anywhere other than here...
my head hurts.

Fuck this game

I'm being stupid again

Why?

Why,
for the last almost week,
do I keep bursting into tears,
I can't stop it,
and it just keeps happening,
I don't understand.

Anything to make yourself look better

So i'm standing at the place we were eating,
mom is in front of my,
my aunt is also in front of me,
talking about how mom and the jackass are broken up,
she starts talking about how I didn't like it,
and how that was the main reason they arn't togehter,
BULLSHIT!
The only fucking reason you aren't with him is because he drinks,
and because he stopped pursuing you,
then she goes and fucking says I was miserable at his place,
so I pipe up and say I was getting sick,
and she says 'yeah shiann was getting physically sick from the stress'
like you fucking knew,
you had no idea that I was getting sick at his house,
You were to wrapped up in how much in love you were to notice I wasn't eating,
to distracted by his 'charms' to see I was close to throwing up all the time,
Though he was fucking perfect,
could do no wrong,
you said so yourself,
so I was fucked,
and now you go and tell our fucking family about how much you cared,
and how you thought so much about me,
BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT,
this is the closest i've been to screaming in months.
AUGH!!!!!!!!!

Again, this is stupid

So I am beginning to understand how my sub-concious works,
and I don't like it.
I want what I can't have,
and that is at such a level,
that it is ruining things that could be good for me,
it would be simple,
just like Green,
wait for her,
be content for a bit,
but no,
I have to like her too,
I have to have that extremly strong urge to kiss her when I see her,
I have to feel better when she has me in her arms hugging me,
I have to be dazzled when she smiles.
I don't want this,
but here it is staring me in the face,
I told her about it,
so she knows,
now I have to see how she reacts,
I know if I date Green,
the urge to kiss her will simply get stronger,
because then I no longer have the option of kissing her,
because I refuse to do that to Green,
I try very hard not to be that kind of person.