God dammit

me: hey you, what are you up to?
her: crying. you?
(I try to call her)
me: Reading, why are you crying?
her: I dont have enough to battery to talk on the phone
me: it's fine, why are you crying though?
her: Stressed and i got in a giant fight with ______(her ex)
me: what about?
her: stupid shit and we both blew it out of proportion
me: I'm sorry
her: It's chill i guess.
me: well apparently it isn't or else you wouldn't be crying
her: I meant im use to it. Im not crying just because of that. Mostly its the stress but when she makes it seem like Shes not on my side it sends me over the edge.
me: You shouldn't have to be used to it.
her: It happens. It sucks and its unfair but thats life.
me: You sound like me :/ I really don't know how to help, now I know how you might have felt in the car
her: Wow lady gaga is wierd...
me: What?
her: Lady gaga. She sings just dance featuring colby o donnis. She was just on so you think you can dance. She is one strange lady...
me: Oh I've never watched it or heard of her, so we finally hit the part of you that's going to be hard to figure out I guess
her: ?
me: Nothing, anyways
her: What?
me: We don't need to talk about it right now
her: Well I want to. You obviously wanted me to ask you about it or you wouldn't have said anything.
me: I did but I changed my mind after I sent it, why do you want to
her: I don't like to play games.
me: It isn't a game, it's just one of the things you and I just don't seem to understand about eachother, when the other is upset, I had no clue what to do or how to act, then you talked about someting else so I just let you change the subject instead of calling you out on it
me: And now you aren't saying anything...
her: You said that after I changed the subject. You said it because you wanted me to ask, for whatever reason. Why bring it up if you don't want to talk about it.
me: I did want to talk about it but then I realized the fact that you were upset was more important and regretted saying it when I did, I didn't want to have this conversation while you were upset, this is one of the things I was trying to avoid
me: I could tell it would turn into an argument instead of a good conversation
her: what does what you said have to do with me being upset? I cant have been that upset if i got bored enough with why i was upset to change the subject.
me: I don't know you well enough to know why you changed the subject ______(her name), everyone else does because they are trying to avoid it, i'm still trying to figure you out
her: Whatever. you wanted me to ask and i did. My bad.
me: Exuse me for trying not to get into a fight with you
her: You brought up something because you wanted to talk about it. I tried to talk to you and all of a sudden you dont want to. Mind game.
me: It's not a god damn mind game ______(her name), i'm sorry I was trying to be sensative, I won't make that mistake again
her: Ok whatever.
me: And the long text about how we don't understand eacother when we are upset, that's what I meant when I said the part of you that will be hard to figure out
her: What the hell was so hard about saying that when I asked you what you were talking about?! You had to draw it out...
me: I said it a couple texts later before you even got mad at me! And I already explained why I was reluctant to say it
her: Im done arguing with you. Good night.
me: You wouldn't be arguing with me if you weren't pissed about _____(her ex)
her: Im not upset with her. Im upset with you. It has nothing to do with her and i am finished talking about this. Good night.
me: Whatever


How did that even turn into a god damn fight?!
Fuck this.

So much

So much has been going on...
I don't even know where to start,
i'm beginning to think,
I don't think this blog is going to cut it anymore,
I don't think writing is enough for me,
I think I need to start using my voice,
this is going to get me into trouble...

Every time

I don't want my life to be a secret anymore,
i've spent the last 6 months trying to keep it like that,
and I don't like it,
so I've started opening up to people,
even more than before,
but my mom has been acting different lately,
it's driving me and my roomate insane,
we can't take her anymore,
and having to hide how hurt and upset she is making me,
is making it instinct again to hide everything,
just as I was making progress,
I HATE this

Does this tell you anything about me?

[00:31] Me: 'sometimes you've got to let everything go - purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything... whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free. your true creativity, your true self comes out.'
[00:32] Her: i like it
[00:33] Me: i do too
[00:33] Me: i need to take that advice
[00:33] Me: but i wont
[00:34] Her: yes you do and i know

...

I've only put two of my secrets up on that place,
and already I don't think I can show ANYONE,
ever.

Post Secret

I have somewhere,
where I am posting all the secrets I can think of,
and slowly watching my deepest,
darkest,
thoughts and secrets,
get put on a blog page,
it's terrifying,
but someday,
I plan on showing it to everyone.

My nightmare

So this nightmare tells me quite a few things about myself.
It started with me being captain
and because I was captain I had a group of kids to take care of,
we were supposed to line them up in two lines going up these steps,
well one of my kids pushed another off the top steps,
I ran down and picked it up so very carefully,
it was a tiny baby,
and it had just fallen off the stairs,
really high ones,
so I was making sure it was ok,
(Might I add that I just realized that dream was cause by the book I was reading 'The Big Empty')
anyways,
so the kid was ok,
even though logically it shouldn't have been,
well we were all camping,
and I was watching over everyone,
well they lit off fireworks,
and we got a message from the person who we thought owned the place,
not in person or anything,
but through a written message,
it was an urgent warning,
that the place we were camping wasn't actually theirs,
so it wasn't safe for people to know we were there,
so we needed to get out of there,
so I lead them into the tunnels,
which happened to be a bunch of rooms with three doors each,
i had a gun at this point,
and I had to shoot the renegades coming after us,
and i killed a lot of people,
protecting myself and the children i was with,
then we got out,
and were at my high school,
all the kids were being picked up
i thought i was safe,
i ended up going to the junior high for something,
then back to the high school
i was about to get picked up,
then the renegade leader and some of his higher ups were staring at me down the barrel of a gun,
and I grabbed mine,
aimed at him,
he made fun of me,
about how i wouldn't,
how i couldn't shoot him,
so i pulled the trigger,
it didnt shoot,
i tried again,
and again,
but someone had clogged my gun,
so i ran,
jumped into the car,
began trying to figure out why my shotgun wouldn't shoot,
there was dirt in the end,
then i just woke up,
i hate nightmares

Turn To Me

I do not want you to thank me,
I am just doing what is right.
Helping the ones I love
And cares about is something I like to do.
Whether you want to be or not
You are someone I care a LOT about.
I do not care if you are younger then me
Or that you hundreds and hundreds of miles away
All I care about it you,
The real you,
What is inside your heart.
I do not care that I am hurting.
If you have not noticed
I do not give a damn about myself.
My friends are more important to me
Then anything in the world.
Whether you know it or not
I really love you.
You are so special
And I wish I could make you see that.

This does not make much sense I am sure,
But I am trying.
Trying to be your friend,
Trying to show you that I care,
And that I even love you.
Trying to help you see just how much you mean to me.
Trying to let you know I will be here for you,
Whether you want me to be or not.

I know that you are hurting I can see it.
I can see a lot of things that I do not let on.
I know you want to help me
And I want to help you just as much.
You say you are scared
And I understand,
But please, just reach out
And take my hand
I won't let you down.
I care to much about you
To let you fall.
So if you feel like giving in
Or giving up
Or feel like you can't do it alone
Then turn around
And there I will be
Now and FOREVER!

I am hurting,
But so are you
And you are more important.
If you are hurting come to me
And I will help.
Do not think that you are burden
Because you not.
I want you to come to
And trust me.
My hand is outstreched to you
And if you turn around there I will be also.

Let me wipe the tears away
And make it better.
As for the scars on your heart
I cannot fix or change
All I can do is love you
As much as you will let me.
Please, do not be ashamed
Or scared to come to me.
I am not the enemy
I am your friend
Now and FOREVER.

So the next time you think you are going to fall
Do not bother looking behind you,
Because I assure you I will be there.
Just reach out and take my hand
For I will always be here.

© Carissa Janelle

Wow...

I was asked a question,
on a myspace survey of course,
and it asked when was the last time I was truly happy with my life,
and the only time I could think of,
was before school got out Sophomore year,
so that was my answer,
just don't take that the wrong way.

My regretful anthem

I'm full of regret
For all the things that I have done and said
And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show
My face around here
Sometimes I wonder if I disappear
Would you ever turn your head and look
See if I'm gone
Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful

You're just an innocent
A helpless victim of a spiders web
And I'm an insect
Going after anything that I can get
So you better turn your head and run
and don't look back
Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful
And I've done you so wrong
Treated you bad
Strung you along
Oh, shame on myself
I don't know how I got so tangled up

You better turn your head and look
See if I'm gone
Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I've done are way too shameful
And I've done you so wrong
Treated you bad
Strung you along
Oh, shame on myself
I don't know how I got so tangled up

(Tangled!)

And I've done you so wrong
Treated you bad
Strung you along
Oh, shame on myself
I don't know how I got so tangled up

Bad karma

So I realized something as I talked to Taco today,
I am not used to being treated well,
to being treated with compassion,
i'm used to,
especially in relationships,
to me being the thoughtful one,
and the understanding one,
and the one striving to fix everything while the other person sits back,
and does nothing,
i'm not used to being treated well,
bottom line,
so when someone comes along,
and is understanding,
sweet,
out of the ordinary,
it scares the crap out of me,
and most of all,
I feel like I don't deserve it...
it isn't something I can help either or else I would change it,
right now,
I found someone,
that treats me better than most of the people in my life,
and it scares me,
because i'm so unused to it,
because I don't feel like I deserve it...
this sucks.

My body hates me

Last night I got 3 hours of sleep,
the night before I got 4,
yesterday I ate a bowl of cereal and a bowl of cherries,
today i've had a bowl of cereal,
i don't even remember what i had the day before yesterday,
the fucked up thing,
is last night it wasn't my choice to only get three hours of sleep,
I went to sleep once I got back to her house,
woke up two hours later,
and layed there for two and a half hours unable to sleep,
before finally going back to sleep,
and having to wake up to go home an hour later.
So I spent a good twenty minutes just staring at the scars that spell smile,
first time i've thought about doing it in a long time,
I hate that urge so damn much.

Such a strange thought

Last night as I wrote my last blog,
I felt like I wasn't going to be able to write them for a bit,
it's pretty bad that since I know that no one I care about will read them,
they don't feel as important,
it feels more real when you know someone else knows...

Colorado Sunrise

And if I had something to say to you I'd whisper it softly,
kiss you on your rosy lips and never let you off me.
shiver on your roof and see your face lit by starlight,
hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise.

I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that I've made
cause my tongue is tied to tonsils and I need to shit and shave
I'm a shade to pale for handsome and have habits I can't shake
and if you try to take that from me well I'll never be the same

train wreck that I am
and I am what I am what I am
a train wreck, that I am
and I am what I am what I am
a train wreck

and as long as it's okay with you I think I'll stay right here.
I got no where to go cause where to go is up to you, dear.
happy as a clam I see the glimmer in your eyes.
hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise.

no car and never cared cared because I got no place to go.
but in a room, (a single wall?) I couldn't pay a plant to grow
you can try and make this pretty, pick up all my dirty clothes.
and if you never really get me then I guess you'll never know the

train wreck that I am
and I am what I am what I am
a train wreck that I am
and I am what I am what I am
a train wreck

I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that i've made
cause my tongue is tied to tonsils and I need to shit and shave
I'm a shade to pale for handsome and have habits i can't shake
and if you try to take that from me well I wouldn't be the same

train wreck that I am
and I am what I am what I am
(Colorado sunrise)
a train wreck
that I am
and I am what I am what I am
(Colorado sunrise)
train wreck.
that I am
(if I had something to say to you I'd whisper it softly)
and I am what I am what I am
(kiss you on your rosy lips and never let you off me)
a train wreck
that I am
(shiver on your roof see your face lit by starlight)
and I am what I am what I am
(hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise)
a train wreck.

More ramblings

All of this talk of getting hurt,
I finally got up the courage to post my poems somewhere where someone can read them,
where strangers can criticize them,
I want that so badly,
I want people to be brutally honest,
but that isn't what I wanted to talk about,
love,
such a hard word for me to say,
and as I read those other peoples poems,
filled with so much hurt,
almost all caused by other people,
intentionally,
un intentionally,
self inflicted,
it was just so over overwhelmingly sad,
each poem that I read,
where I saw hurt,
I just wanted to scoop that person up and heal them,
heal their broken hearts and torn flesh,
and I got to thinking,
how easy it is to hurt someone,
without ever meaning to,
like right now,
i'm hurting someone terribly,
and it isn't my fault,
for the longest time I like her,
and I waited,
but she picked someone else over me,
so right as I finally move on,
she realizes she wants me,
and I have someone else now,
and repeatedly she has asked me to take her,
but it isn't what I want anymore,
and I have to just sit here and watch her hurt,
all because I can't love her back,
I remember so vividly how that feels,
to be in her shoes,
and it fucking sucks,
i've been there so many times,
another example,
Tila Tequila a Shot at Love,
the final girl she picked turned her down,
and afterwards,
watching Tila cry,
she said she didn't understand,
she asked what was wrong with her,
hearing someone so hurt say
'whats wrong with me?'
is probably one of the most heart wrenching sounds i've heard,
it probably helps that i've asked the same question,
quite a few times,
I don't know the point I was trying to make with this anymore,
I find it extremely funny that after last night is when my creative,
thoughtful,
debate oriented side comes out,
you have no idea how wrong this proves those commercials,
ask me if you don't know what i'm talking about,
which i'm betting you probably don't
oh well.

Crazed rambling or coherent thought?

So I was making a playlist of Imogen Heap songs,
and kept noticing that people kept commenting,
and talking about how her talking voice is so very different,
from her singing,
it made me curious,
so I went to her v blogs,
and I watched about the first five minutes of one,
from just that small dose of how she spoke,
just the way she said things,
all fame and music aside,
I would love to get to know this girl,
not in a romantic way or anything,
I would just love to talk to her,
see what she is like,
even if she wasn't famous or sung all those amazing songs,
I would still want to talk to her,
the only problem is,
how do you tell someone famous,
who has people vying for her attention constantly,
and has probably had multiple stalkers,
that you don't want to talk to her just because she is well known,
or famous,
or whatever,
it seems so impossible and it's infuriating!

I CAN'T TAKE THIS

I need to get out of this house,
away from these songs,
away from these people,
away from this town,
away from this feeling
I NEED TO GET AWAY
and there is no fucking way for me to do that,
I can only get as far as I can walk,
I don't want to be alone,
I don't,
I really don't,
but I can't fucking take this anymore!
My throat is begging for me to scream...

Of course

Of course with my luck,
just as i'm breaking down over it,
when it's really really bothering me,
the fact that I turned in one of them comes and bites me in the ass,
I have to go to the courthouse Wednesday,
and talk to them about it...

I hate feeling this way

Is it any wonder why I'm scared?
If I was a little younger would I care?
I'm feeling like the walls are growing stronger
I don't know if this cage can hold me any longer

You never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded
Cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded

I'm not afraid of tomorrow
I'm only scared of myself
Feels like my insides are on fire
And I'm looking through the eyes of someone else

I never thought they'd want me to go even faster
Never thought I took my foot off the gas
Everbody loves to be in on the pressure
But I know they're all waiting for the crash

You never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded
Cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded
Things have changed, you've become a complication
Can't make it through another day's humiliation

I'm not afraid of tomorrow
I'm only scared of myself (scared of myself)
Feels like my insides are on fire
And I'm looking through the eyes of someone else

Yeah, oh yeah (Someone, someone, someone else....)

Someone else

Is it any wonder why the answer keeps me petrified?
Is it any wonder why I'm scared?

I'm not afraid of tomorrow
I'm only scared of myself (scared of myself)
Feels like my insides are on fire
And I'm looking through the eyes of someone else
(Is it any wonder why I'm scared?)
I'm not afraid of tomorrow
(If I was a little younger would I care?)
I'm only scared of myself
(I'm feeling like the walls are growing stronger)
Feels like my insides are on fire
And i'm looking through the eyes of someone else
Is it any wonder why I'm scared?

(Someone, someone, someone else...)

Paint Brush

I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn't show
I'm so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you'll do--that
You might laugh or say mean things.
I'm afraid I might lose you.

I'd like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.
So if you'll be patient and close your eyes.
I'll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paintbrush with me
Until I love me, too.

Bettie B. Youngs

I just realized yet another bad thing

I can't think of anything to talk about,
when i'm around people,
or talking to them,
I can't think of anything to say to Green right now,
couldn't think of anything to say to poet at the park,
couldn't think of anything to say to doll last night,
all the people I love talking to,
I can't think of a damn thing past 'whats up' or 'how're you'
I want to fix it,
the only problem is,
I don't know what's broken...

Disgusted

I can't help it,
i'm so angry that they haven't come to get her yet,
I have somewhere I need to go,
if I wasn't in leadership it wouldn't matter nearly as much,
but I am,
so it does,
starting off the day with being pissed that she is still here,
and realizing now I can't go,
and realizing someone has not talked to me since last night,
which is extremely abnormal,
to seeing someone online,
and realizing just how much I HATE,
that she hasen't made any effort to talk to me,
I really need to stop making all these people,
who view me as fourth or fifth or tenth priority,
as my seconds and thirds...
or firsts,
god i'm stupid,
I always said don't make someone a priority,
if they only make you an option,
well apparently all the people I have as my priority,
only have me as an option,
FUCK
it has not been a good two days...

...This is a bad thing...

The Kiss by Karmina

I know we don't belong
Everyone says it's wrong
We come from different ways
So I tried to erase everything that I felt
That I felt

CHORUS:
Then you kissed me and suddenly I don't care any more
Something in me tells me you're the one I'm looking for
Then you kissed me and suddenly I don't care any more
Something in me tells me you're the one I'm looking for
From the KISS
From the KISS

My heart is getting loud
I'm trying to keep it down
I wish the world could hear
But I can't help but fear that they'll take you away
You away

Then you kissed me and suddenly I don't care any more
Something in me tells me you're the one I'm looking for
Then you kissed me and suddenly I don't care any more
Something in me tells me you're the one I'm looking for
From the KISS
From the KISS

Palm to palm
Let lips do what hands do
They pray
Is it a sin
To do what we want to?
Don't care where we've been
Give me my sin again

Then you kissed me and suddenly I don't care any more
Something in me tells me you're the one I'm looking for
Then you kissed me and suddenly I don't care any more
Something in me tells me you're the one I'm looking for
From the KISS
From the KISS

Worst fucking way to get woken up ever

So i'm sleeping,
having a strange ass dream,
and suddenly I get woken up by this little bang,
mixed with a bright light,
mixed with an explosive pain on my face,
so for those of you who don't know,
I sleep with my ipod charging next to me while I listen to it,
well it was laying on my bed,
accidentally next to my face,
and the fucking battery exploded and blew the thing apart,
and it was about an inch from my god damn face!
I mean really,
what the hell!
Who's cheerios did I piss in!
What a horrible way to wake up,
I need something to get me out of this bad mood D<

Would you take my candle light?

Time is passing far to quickly,
all this time i'm by myself,
I'm sick of the lonesome feelings,
sleeping alone has never felt this bad.

So I think i'm liking this whole stop hiding thing,
it's a good thing to do over summer,
when you only see select people,
that way I only have to do it in small bits,
I might be different to some people when the school year starts again,
but i'm ok with that,
i'll be calmer,
more relaxed,

Jumbled thoughts

I'm still such a protector,
as soon as someone that I care for,
comes to me,
with any words that indicate their upset or need help,
a change comes over me,
a different feeling,
everything wrong with me goes out the window,
even if only for a bit,
while I take care of them,
and I don't know how to stop that change.
The only thing is,
I don't know if I want to.

Apparently everything is more complicated than I ever imagined.

I need to stop hiding,
I need to stop making everything about me,
everything I do,
some big secret,
I finally hands down,
bared everything to someone,
and all day I felt so much better,
so much more relaxed,
so I need to stop hiding,
I always say if people don't like me for who I am,
then I don't care,
well it isn't true,
all this hiding,
sneaking around,
lying,
it proves that wrong,
I really do care,
and I need to stop,
for my own sake,
i'm not healthy,
and only one person knows that,
I don't eat enough,
I don't sleep enough,
I don't talk enough,
I don't cry enough,
I need to stop holding it in,
i'm just terrified that certain people will leave,
if I tell them the truth,
and i'm not sure if I can handle that,
some of the people who I need to tell things,
can read this,
so if i've given you this link,
re-assure me you wont leave,
because i'm so scared that you will.

new

i've been gone for so long,
and I don't want to go back,
but I have to,
tomorrow,
apparently people miss me,
and the shitty thing,
is I don't miss almost anyone,
while I was distracted I didn't think of that town,
not one bit,
now that someone from there has made contact,
I do miss people,
but only like a total of three.