I don't like this :/

I've realized I can make most people,
that already swing my way at least,
or that are the 'correct' gender,
like me,
I can find what they like in a person,
and become it,
or charm them into it,
and it works almost every time,
I don't exactly mean to do it,
but I've realized that I do,
and I don't like it,
it really needs to stop,
I've gotten a lot better though...

Today

I got up and rode my bike all the way across town,
hung out with one friend for a bit,
went bowling,
(and made a complete fool of myself)
Then at 4 rode my bike around the park for like a half hour,
in the rain,
and ended up being there until 8pm,
playing guard kid and hanging out,
was flirting shamelessly with a girl without even meaning to,
who flirted back shamelessly without meaning to,
I find this rather hilarious btw,
then at 8 I got a ride home,
cause I was tired and didn't want to walk back up the day,
pretty good day :)

...

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than the living size then they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.

What the hell?

She makes me extremely nervous,
I trip over myself,
can't think of anything to say,
say really stupid things,
laugh at tiny things,
and am just all around all jittery around her,
I don't even know why,
it's a bit ridiculous.

Wow o.0

Never thought I would miss being called Booger

I think I know what the reason for you is

You remind me why I hate drugs,
and why I wont talk to people when they're high.
Thanks.

Rain washed brain

So i'm talking to doll,
now that things are as normal as they're going to get after the fight,
and I ask her,
"are you still glad I gave you my number at ______"
she answers,
"I don't regret it if thats what you're asking"
my reply
"No, I know you don't regret, i'm asking if you're still glad or not"
her answer
"idk"
and surprisingly,
that really fucking hurt...
so,
I got angry,
cause thats what I do when people hurt me,
so me and a friend went on an hour long walk in the rain,
splashing through every puddle we walked by,
then stopped at my writers house,
she gave me cookies,
then went past V's house and she visited for a bit,
then went home and took a shower in my bra and undies with my friend
(i don't like being naked)
we were cold and muddy from the puddles,
I feel much better now :)

WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

I can't sleep worth crap,
I keep suddenly just feeling like I am about to cry,
or I feel just horrible,
for no good reason,
can't sleep,
my appetite is fine though so thats a good sign,
but this all still sucks,
I hate stress :/
I think this whole band camp thing,
people quitting guard,
plus everyone being upset,
is taking it's toll on me.

Wow, I feel selfish

I see your life taking a better turn,
and I feel like i'm not needed anymore,
because you are happier,
and you wont need someone to go to when your upset,
and even if you do get upset,
you'll have that other person instead,
and I don't like that idea,
I don't like not being needed,
I guess i'm just used to people finding someone else and not needing me anymore,
I expect you to follow that trend,
god I hope i'm wrong,
cause if that happens,
i'm going to miss you like crazy :/
and I don't like waiting around,
see,
I feel selfish

Ouch...

I was missing you,
You were miles away,
He was close to me,
I let him stay,
Then I closed my eyes,
He almost felt the same,
But when the morning broke I cried out your name,
If I’d only known,
It would break us,
I’d have done anything just to save us

[Chorus]
Coz you’re all I have,
When the world comes down on me,
You’re the one I love,
And I’m begging you to see,
You’re all, you’re all, you’re all I have,
You are, you are the one I love
You are, you are, you’re all I have

You’ve forgiven me,
But it doesn’t change,
The guilt I feel when you mention his name,
No more innocence,
How to trust again,
Wanna believe that you won’t do the same,
And every time we fight,
We’re gettin’ closer,
I slowly die inside,
I’m scared it’s over

[Chorus]
Coz you’re all I have,
When the world comes down on me,
You’re the one I love,
And I’m begging you to see,
You’re all, you’re all, you’re all I have,
You are, you are the one I love
You are, you are, you’re all I have

Your love for me was always there,
Maybe too much for me to care,
Now that I know I messed it up,
I’d give my all to take it back

[Chorus]
Coz you’re all I have,
When the world comes down on me,
You’re the one I love,
And I’m begging you to see,
You’re all, you’re all, you’re all I have,
You are, you are the one I love
You are, you are, you’re all I have

Oh man

"I've been trying to tell you something all day,
it's just so god damn hard,
I don't know how to say it"

"you don't have to tell me right now"

"but I want to,
I just don't know how,
ugh,
you remember one of the first most important things you talked to me about?"

"I understand,
I know what you're trying to say"

she presses her forhead against mine and looks me straight in the eye

"I can wait until the next time to hear it,
I understand"

Wow

I'm leaving tomorrow,
terrified,
but excited,
but still terrified,
I feel like i'm going to vomit :/
holy crap,
i'm so done with these physical reactions,
I should pack,
and sleep,
i'm kinda tired,
i will probably have a lot to say once i get back :/
holy crap,
again,
terrified.

Humanity?

So I don't know if you know anything about how kittens grow,
but I have a three day old kitten sitting in my lap,
eyes aren't open,
ears aren't open,
umbilical chord still dried up on it's belly,
we are nursing it back to health,
you see,
these people brought it into my moms work
and dropped it off at the vet,
and gave them a fake number,
and never came back,
the poor things stomach had been ripped open,
they had let an adult male cat play with it,
at three days old,
So they stapled it's skin back together,
and now we are fostering it,
and trying to keep it alive,
it seems to be doing pretty ok,
but it is still terrible :/
I started crying when I saw it's stomach,
that isn't easy to do with a wound.
I think i'm going to go try and get it to eat again :/
good thing I don't sleep until late already

Well

After this week camping,
I looked in the mirror,
and I didn't quite recognize myself,
I'm not sure why,
but I didn't,
and I didn't quite feel the same,
still don't.

But I think it's a good thing,
i'm not entirely sure,
oh,
she is talking to me again a little,
she said she didn't want to be on bad terms with me,
i'm glad,
but it's still hard,
there are so many barriers up,
so many boundries,
i'm going to have to walk on glass for a while.

Round 3, and, knockout.

This time,
i'm not going to post all my stupid mistakes,
I lost my cool and fucked it up,
I will however show you the last thing she said
Her: You played with my head and I trusted you not to. Hands up, I'm out.

Sooo.....

So I told her I wanted to talk on the phone since she doesn't listen to me when I'm texting her,
she said IF we talk,
and I didn't think it would get any worse,
my eyes are watering :/
Why did I get myself into this?
I should have trusted my instincts,
I shouldn't have fought them and gotten so close to her,
now it looks like i'm going to lose her too.

What?

I have plans,
clear up until the end of band camp,
and they are really fun plans,
and I should be uber excited about them,
but i'm not,
not at all...
and that bothers me,
a lot,
last time I had plans like these,
I was bouncing off the walls,
so fricking excited!
Maybe it's just the late night,
I don't know...

Round 2

Me: So are you planning on talking to me again any time soon?
Her: Depends. Are you planning on playing more mind games with me?
Me: It wasn't a mind game _____(her name)!
Me: Look, I'm sorry I changed my mind, and i'm sorry you saw it as a mind game...
Her: Yea. That never mind thing is a mind game. I know them when I see them. I dated ____(her ex) remember? Im not stupid and I can play them too. So I guess thats a no.
Me: I made a mistake, I won't do it again, I'll never say nevermind to you again if that makes you happy, I didn't mean it like you're taking it and i'm sorry
Me: And i'm not ____(her ex)
Her: Sure.
Her: I didn't say you were. I sai you were playing a mind game. And im not playing them.
Me: I'm not going to beg, if you decide to forgive me for fucking up, I'll be here waiting, I'm sorry, I was never trying to play mind games, and i'm sorry that I did what I did, I just wish you would listen when I try to explain that mind games weren't my intention, that's why when I saw you were getting upset by me saying nevermind, I told you what I was saying it about...

UGH

Ok!
Fine!
You win!
Being stubborn isn't worth this,
I apologize,
you win,
now stop being angry at me...

I'm Gone, I'm Going by Lesely Roy

So sick of hearing your words
All I can hear you say
Is how you want me to live
My life a different way
I'm gonna pack up my things
I'm gonna do it just
Watch me, watch me

I'm like a rat in a cage
About to lose it all
And I ain't gonna give up until I'm standing tall
I'm gonna throw it all in
Just get it over with
Watch me, watch me

Cuz life is way too short
And I can't wait no more

Here I go
I'm gone, I'm going
I'm so over you, and I don’t care
And I won't go back
Cuz I know if I do, I won't make it
Forgive me, I can't take it anymore

So sick of falling apart and crawling back again
So sick of playing the games that I can never win
I really had it, just so so sick of it
Watch me, just watch me

Cuz life is just way too short
And I can't wait anymore

Here I go
I'm gone, I'm going
I'm so over you, and I dont care
And I won't go back
Cuz I know if I do, I won't make it
Forgive me, I can't take it anymore

I won't look back
I won't look back no more
Hey (x2)

So here I go
I'm gone, I'm going
I'm so over you, and I dont care
And I won't go back
Cuz I know if I do, I won't make it
Forgive me, I can't take it anymore



I want to play this song the day I leave Shelton

You know...

Sometimes I astonish myself,
with how weak I am,
how willing I am to give in,
give up,
I really need to stop doing this to myself.