My little secret

I almost cried on the examination table today,
I did cry after I left,
I didn't think that everything from the past still eats at me this much,
looks like I'm going to have to find out how to deal all over again,
thank god I don't need another for a year,
I have time.

I'm afraid to tell anyone how it made me feel,
I'm afraid they'll think I'm over reacting,
my doctor was right,
I do see a lot of them as my fault,
at least partially.

Stop this ride...

... I want to get off.

Poetry

Fuck!
I missed it when I didn't write,
it was so much easier to ignore my emotions when I didn't write them out,
now i'm sitting here unable to stop,
i've written more poetry in the last three days,
than I have in the last year.

I keep singing...

Every time I am singing,
and not concentrating on the lyrics,
I sing,
'you gotta change your mind'
instead of,
'you gotta spend some time'
*sigh*

My favorite line from Mayday

But there's a rage of losing you to their mistakes!!!

This Love - The Veronicas

Don't walk away,
despite fears that arise,
bodies that tempt,
hearts that hope,
hearts you damage,
remember the words,
on that waterside bench,
and don't give up,
no matter how afraid you are,
don't give up,
you'll regret it,
no one ever promised me it would be easy,
but I believe it will be worth it.

Sex and conquest

Temptation fucking sucks,

and I need to learn what it's like to be monogamous again.

I adore this song

I won't be the one to disappoint you any more
And I know I said all this and that you've heard it all before
The trick is getting you to think that all this was your idea
And that this was everything you've ever wanted out of here

Love's not a competition, but I'm winning

I'm not sure what's truly altruistic any more
When every good thing that I do is listed and you're keeping score

Love's not a competition, but I'm winning
Love's not a competition, but I'm winning
At least I thought I was
But there's no way of knowing
Or at least I thought I was
But there's no way of knowing

You know what it's like when you're new to the game
Well I'm not

I won't be the one to disappoint you
I won't be the one to disappoint you any more
I won't be the one to disappoint you
I won't be the one to disappoint you any more
I won't be the one to disappoint you
I won't be the one to disappoint you any more
I won't be the one to disappoint you
I won't be the one to disappoint you any more
I won't be the one to disappoint you

So...

I don't know how much i'll be writing here,
i've found that my spiral is a much better alternative,
it's easier to get to that anyways,
and I feel like written words mean more than typed,
but thats just me,
that and I know I swore I would never not write something because I knew someone was reading it,
well i'm going to have to go back on that,
because another reason I might not be writing here is I don't particularly want anyone to know whats going on right now,
this has been my ultimate,
last connection,
the support I have from others,
and I'm getting to that point where I don't want that help,
I want to remember how it was to only rely on myself,
I do however know,
this might be an absolutely horrible idea,
and it probably is.

I'm an idiot

I shouldn't have snapped like that,
I took more than just my anger toward you out on you,
I took that and all the anger toward everyone else as well,
I feel like a total ass,
I asked him to cheer you up,
just thought I would tell you I did,
I didn't tell him why though so don't worry,
just that I did it.

Anger

I knew it was going to happen,
I expected it,
so why does it piss me off so bad?
I guess I expected things to be different this once,
I really need to stop expecting to find someone to prove me wrong,
I don't know if I ever will,
and it hurts each time I give someone a chance,
and they prove me wrong.

...

It hurts to think I really had hope this time.

EDIT: I'm being dramatic.

Hm...

I feel very alone

What have I gotten myself into?

What was I thinking?
It had only been a day!
I don't know if I like the person i'm becoming,
I don't know how sure I am of how I feel,
I don't like being confused,
I don't like not doing things for myself,
but I don't like hurting people,
why the fuck does it have to be such a contradiction
UGH,
I have no idea what to do.