I really really like this song

One acception

I refuse right now,
at this very moment,
to post my true thoughts here,
because they will cause someone I love pain,
I know I said I wouldn't do it,
and I know I could have just not posted anything,
but I need my mini rant,
but I wont say the thoughts running through my head,
cause I wont mean them come morning,
this will be my only acception.

Rantings?

I've discovered I need to stop putting a name to everything,
I need to learn to enjoy what I have,
and stop trying to figure out every aspect of it,
I need to admit i'm wrong sometimes,
and I need to learn to apologize,
i'm getting better about all these things,
and learning more things I need to fix about myself,
I'm learning to realize when i'm being stubborn,
it's stopped a few fights,
however with all the improvements i'm making,
there is some back sliding going on,
my father keeps being mentioned,
and I keep remembering him being an alcoholic,
and I wonder if i'll follow in his footsteps,
I highly doubt I will,
honestly though it is fun,
I highly doubt it would ever get out of hand,
I don't want to feel that way every morning,
waste my money on it every night,
turn into Red and have to call someone crying that i've pissed myself,
and that i'm lost somewhere.
Back to a lighter subject,
I've learned just how selfish i've been in some endeavors,
how needlessly angry I was at people,
and just how much of a hypocrite i've been at times,
again,
i'm working at fixing them,
however I fear some of the friendships i've lost are ones I can't earn back,
that doesn't mean I can't try,
however with a multitude of them,
i'm really not sure how to go about that...

Realizations.

(This is mainly meant for Poet to read,
if you decide to read any of this,
make sure you read at least the two italicized lines...)

Blue October

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long? (ha!)

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I been a drunk disrespectful little street punk
Unlock the back of my trunk
You see, you take this bat
And bash my head into the street again
No-ones around so I keep beating it

Pull my hair back, look me in the eye
There's a self-destructive meaning in the bleeding of a guy
It's the guilt of what reality has given me
Making sense of all mistakes and my stupidity
And when you're sick you seem to think
You've failed eternally

And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you're sick of thinking life in this recovery
When my decision paved the road
That lies in front of me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

But are we scared to take the ride?
Or dare to look inside?
I'm floating far away (far away)
I'm floating far away (leaving home)
I'm floating far away (so far away)
I'm floating far away

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect
I want to kiss the girl, I know I'll never lie again
I want to call my dad and tell him that I care
I want to let my brother know
He saved my life a thousand times
Throughout the years he's been my friend
Who's always there

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?

Fog

I'm sick of being so scared,
I can't even take the dogs a few steps from the front door,
not without having a horrible feeling of panic rise in my throat and choke me,
then my heart starts pounding,
my muscles sieze up and i can't help it but run
I run back to the door and hurry it closed,
every time I look out the window I want to cry,
it scares me so badly and i'm not even sure why,
and it's getting thicker by the hour...

I shouldn't even post this

But I promised I wouldn't change what I wrote because of who reads this :/
So I was reading through your blogs today,
I do that every couple days,
usually I alternate sometimes I read post secret,
sometimes I read yours,
I read yours more though since you post way more than that one,
anyways,
today I was reading through all the blogs i've missed,
and I found the one saying you want a pug,
I want to get you one,
want to grant your wishes,
like some sort of fairly god friend,
being your god mother would just be strange,
then again I don't know if I could call myself your friend at this point either,
so fair god person?
I accidentally typed dog at first,
ironic considering this was spurred by a dog?
No,
i'm just looking for reasoning where there is none,
anyways,
i'm off topic again,
I wanted to get you a pug,
but I remembered a second later you're allergic to dogs,
and your mom would probably murder me,
so I thought,
I'll get her a stuffed pug,
but then I remembered that I couldn't give it to you,
not since we aren't really talking,
and it frustrated me,
I wanted to do that for you,
every time I read your blog I forget,
forget that I blew up on you like I did,
forget that you aren't really talking to me,
forget that i'm trying to do what you want me to do and leave you be,
I even thought about getting the stuffed animal pug,
wrapping it up,
and having someone random take it to the coffee shop,
or to someone who would see you,
it would have to be someone who doesn't know you though,
cause your friends would tell you it was me,
and we couldn't have that,
however now that plan is null and void,
since i've put it somewhere that you can see,
you know what,
...
i'm going to go out and get that stuffed animal pug anyways.

Hm, transpose the pronouns

“ Here’s to all the girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning & be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, & moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, “I only want to be your friend”, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves & misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute. Here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, & even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, & ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here’s to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here’s for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn’t possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to settle for someone who didn’t treat us the way we should be treated. Here’s for the ones who did their hair and make up & put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn’t see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn’t believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls who loved him more than words can say, & took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn’t bear to look back on their lives one day & wonder “what if”. This is for the girls that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex girlfriend who cheated on him, & cried during the entire conversation. The ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. When he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn’t mean it. This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. This is for us girls, who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, & get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that “things were going too fast, he needs time.” Here’s to the girls who couldn’t cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn’t bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an “I told you so.” The ones that could just tell that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts & their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here’s for the ones that finally realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here’s for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, & the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here’s for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him & want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong and remember that relationships are like broken glass; sometimes it’s better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together & get hurt. Remember the times you cried & how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When ‘your song’ comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made & tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don’t answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation & the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night & how it felt to your stomach when you saw it wasn’t him, and realized that once again, he hadn’t called when he said he was going to. One day you’ll find a guy who’s worth all the tears, but he won’t make you cry. You may think that you’ll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It’s going to hurt like crap, & it’s going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls who fell back in love with their ex, only to get hurt all over again. ”

I adore this song

Misconceptions

You know,
everything that I've posted here lately has been depressed,
or longing,
and that isn't true,
that isn't always how I feel,
I am happy,
just usually not in the moments that I come and blog,
but I am,
especially with guard,
it's disappointing that just as the team is coming together beautifully,
the season is ending,
time to finish this up with a bang,
last competition here we come

ps. I'm not trying to get you to talk to me again or pull anything,
I just wanted you to know how I view the situation,
random fact though,
I ran from your sister today.

To the departed poet

Bolded=relevant

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
And not our last days of silent screaming blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back don't think just do
More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

This song is how I feel... ignore the video that goes with it

She confessed her love to me
Then she vanished
On the breeze
Trying to hold on to that
Was just impossible

She was more than beautiful
Closer to ethereal
With a kind of
Down to earth flavor

Close my eyes
It's three in the afternoon
Then I realize
That she's really
Gone for good

Anybody seen my baby
Anybody seen her around
Love has gone
And made me blind
I've looked but I just can't find
She has gotten lost
In the crowd

I was flippin' magazines
In that place on Mercer Street
When I thought I spotted her

Getting on a motor bike
Looking rather lady like
Didn't she just give me a wave?

Salty tears
It's three in the afternoon
Has she disappeared
Is she really gone for good

Anybody seen my baby
Anybody seen her around
If I just close my eyes
I reach out
And touch the prize
Anybody seen her around

(Rap)

Anybody seen my baby
Anybody seen her around
If I just close my eyes
I reach out
And touch the prize
Anybody seen her around

Lost, lost and never found
I must have called her
A thousand times
Sometimes I think
She's just in my imagination

Lost in the crowd

Happy Song

P.S.S.S

Giving this link to someone made me remember it,
I had been neglecting writing here,
and now that I remember it,
I've been writing a lot,
I'm not sure yet if this is a good or bad thing...
It could cause me considerable amounts of trouble

Rambled thoughts and pressured lies

Relapsed,
it felt good,
I want to keep going,
but at the same time I don't,
I was proud of myself,
but the satisfaction I got,
I miss that,
taking my anger out on myself instead of someone else,
all my frustrations and pain on my own skin,
instead of on someone else's emotions,
burned like a bitch in swimming today though,
that kinda sucked,
but at the same time I didn't mind too much,
also,
I have to tell her whats going on,
it finally boiled over in me,
all these things that I have been internalizing for two months,
now I have to admit them,
I took all my rings off last night,
and put them away,
put away my necklaces,
the bracelets,
took all the hoodies off my bed,
put away my teddy bear,
grabbed my frog and tried to sleep,
it was hard to not have my hoodies,
harder than I thought it would be,
but I did it,
I think I needed to prove to myself that I could,
I don't know if i'm going to put any of it back though...
I'm not sure,
I guess i'll wait and see

Green

I'm afraid i'm going to lose her,
but at the same time maybe thats whats best for me?
I am not even sure anymore,
we've had so much time,
and at the same time so little,
if this is what it will always be like for us then I don't want it,
but at the same time will I be able to let it go?
With everything that has been going on that possibility seems so real,
then she finally speaks up again,
and all I can do is cry,
i've been so angry,
so hurt,
when the reasons are her almost being hospitalized,
again,
and mostly reasons not her fault,
I feel like such an ass

So much...

I haven't felt the urge to write here for a long time,
and even when I did too many people were around and I didn't want to risk this being found,
if anyone in my house found this or anyone who I didn't give it to,
I would be devastated,
even now as i'm typing,
I am afraid to say what i'm really thinking because I gave this link to someone last night,
but I promised myself I would write here like no one was reading,
so here goes,
I went to the Dr. today after being sick for around 2 months,
she is assuming it's mono,
they wont give me the test though,
which honestly pisses me off,
cause if i don't have mono then what is wrong with me,
and if I don't have mono things would be different,
besides,
having mono is making me feel dirty all over again,
i'm going to have to remember to not drink before people,
i'm going to have to be more aware of people that try to randomly kiss me,
i'm not going to be able to kiss who I want,
this is all incredibly frustrating,
however on a different note,
I found out something today...
my star is joining the same guard I am joining this summer...
this makes things... complicated,
you see,
my star has no idea about my soldier,
and my soldier is going to be in the same group as well...
I'm not entirely sure what i'm going to do about this...
ugh