Some day...

Someday I hope I can make my mom as proud of me as my brother does,
though I don't know if that will ever happen,
sure I'm accomplished,
I can color decently on a computer,
I can draw wings and name plates and make them look pretty good,
I can write poems for hours,
If I think hard enough I can figure out how to fix most any simple problem,
I can come up with an excuse without blinking,
I protect so many people around me as silently as I can,
I'm the captain of my guard and might make it into a drum core,
I always get fantastic grades in any class that involves physical effort,
sometimes I guess it just seems like all of my flaws are so major,
such a huge failure to her that they overshadow the things I'm good at,
my brother has a job,
lives on his own,
didn't wait until he was almost 18 to get his license,
I don't think at least,
is more athletic than I am,
I don't know,
I guess I just hope maybe when I get out on my own,
or at least out of her house,
she'll finally believe me,
cause it's a daily reminder at this point that she doesn't believe I'll make it,
she jokes about how when I'm twenty i'll still be living with her,
way to have faith in me mom.

So...

I was reading through my bumper stickers today,
reading them out to a friend of mine,
cause I like sharing my collections,
like I do with my flair of facebook,
and then I realized my bumper stickers aren't just the ones i've collected,
and holy shit,
some of them were just painful to read...
I'll post a couple later that were painful to read,
maybe,
I haven't decided yet,
it probably isn't a good idea,
but I might.

Sicker than a dog

My skin hurts,
even against soft things,
and I've lost 5 pounds in less than 5 days,
it SUCKS,
I hate being sick,
and at such a bad time,
I have so much with school that I need to take care of,
homework that I've been neglecting,
but anyways,
this blog doesn't entirely have a point,
I'm just head achy and tired,
but even with feeling like shit and barely being able to move,
today was a fairly decent day,
lets hope it stays that way.

Never take lyrics too literally

Mark
I hate the fall

Roger
You heard

Mimi
Every word
You don't want baggage without lifetime garentees
You don't want to watch me die
I just came to say goodbye love
Goodbye love, came to say goodbye love
goodbye
Just came to say goodbye love
Goodbye love, goodbye love
Goodbye

I hate that RENT is now ruined for me,
I will never be able to watch it without flinching,
I thought about what I would write on a post secret postcard if I wrote one,
I do that every so often,
think about what is bothering me the most at the time,
I came to the conclusion that one right now would say,
"What hurts the most,
Is I think you could have been the one,
the person I spent the rest of my life with,
and you left me,
now I don't know if I'll be as happy with anyone else,
I don't know if I'll ever find anyone who was as sweet,
caring,
understanding,
loving,
willing to go the extra mile,
all of these things,
I don't know if someone could live up to the standards you've set in my mind,
I hope to god I do find someone else,
or else I'll resent you forever for giving me such expectations,
then leaving them for someone else to fill"

You know

I keep talking about all these bad things here,
and that all isn't true,
I guess I just focus on the negative here,
it's easy to talk about the positive to people,
the negative is harder,
plus,
you don't have to worry about hurting people with the positive,
I am a pessimist after all.

Side note,
I still care,
I still care a staggering amount,
I may not act like it,
I may not be particularly nice with my thoughts right now,
I may be vindictive and resentful,
but I still love you,
same way that we always understood,
you know I still get bullshit for it,
people telling me you can't possibly love someone after that short of time,
they don't understand that we know the different meanings behind the word love,
I love you the same as I would love an extremely close friend,
well now that technically is what you are,
even if we aren't very close right now,
and I don't know if we ever will be that close again,
which I wish we could be,
but I guess what I'm trying to say is I still care just as much,
you are still extremely important to me,
not as a romantic interest but as an incredible friend,
it isn't easy to find someone that's easy to talk to or get close to,
and though I'm not going to trust you for a long time to come,
and I'll never trust you as much as completely as i once did,
but I will keep my promise,
I'm not going anywhere,
I'm not going to let go of the friendship so easily,
I'm still angry and hurt,
but I guess I'm coming to terms with it,
soon it will fade and I'll be happy for you being happy with her,
even sooner more likely I will continue on with my life,
"good things fall apart so even better things can fall into place"
I really hope that's true with you and I,
cause jesus fuck I miss just talking to you,
giggling and laughing on the phone,
I know we could get it back,
if we both work on it all,
if we both let go of how bitter we are about some things,
and get over the resent and hurt,
I know I can,
because I love you way more than I resent you,
and I can forgive the hurt and the broken promises because of that.

Steps of Progress

I'm not afraid to listen to my iTunes anymore,
I don't watch my phone anymore,
I want to be in the arms of my musician and not her,
I didn't cry over her last night,
and I don't remember having a nightmare about her.

Is it worth it?

Bring your secrets to me.
Just give me your hands and I'll let you feel the wounds, they put in me.
If you believe in me how can I be dissolving?
If you'd believe me, I'd tell you everything.

Do you fall too?
(Every time that I)
Yes I fall.
(Every time that I)
Do you want to?
(Try to pacify)
Fall into me.
(Fall into me, fall into me)
Into me.

Silence can you hear me?
Press me to your lips and I'll suck the poison out.
Who will heal me,..me.
If you keep killing me how can I keep absolving?
Your sins into me, begin the poisoning.

Do you fall too?
(Every time that I)
Yes I fall.
(Every time that I)
Do you want to?
(Try to pacify)
Fall into me.
(Fall into me, fall into me)
Into me.

Time, time, time.
We're not waiting.
Time, time, time.
We're no one.

Do you fall too?
(Every time that I)
Yes I fall.
(Every time that I)
Do you want to?
(Try to pacify)
Fall into me.
(Fall into me, fall into me)
Into me. (x2)
(We are no one, we are no one, we are one, we are no one, we are x 4)

Okay. Fine.

You can resent me for not making up my mind like her,
I can resent you for telling her about the new girl and never about me,
it's petty but I can't help it,
I'm kinda glad though,
about all this,
it's so much easier to get over,
and let go of someone when they hurt me.

Yet. Another. Theme. Song.

you wait up for me I don't wake up for you
would you like the company or are you sick of me
when your love lets you go you only want love more
even when love, was not what you were looking for
speak slow, tell me love where do we go... ah ah
where do we go...ah ah, where do we gooooo

you break down an plead your case I don't know what to say
I leave my heart all this pain and now I'm at it all again
on these streets that I leave for weeks on end who's to blame
when you want love doesn't matter what you're looking for
speak slow, tell me love where do we go... ah ah
where do we go... ah ah, where do we go... ah ah
speak slow, tell me love where do we go... ah ah
where do we go... ah ah, where do we goooooo

speak slow!

i'm so far away and I just can't see you I'm
so far along and I just don't need you
I am so ah-alone, so ah-ah-alone so ah-alone, so ah-ah-alone
i'm so far away and I just can't see you I'm
so far along and I just don't need you
I am so ah-alone, so ah-ah-alone so ah-alone, so ah-ah-alone

when your love lets you go you only want love more
even when love's not what you were looking for
when your love lets you go you only want love more
even when love's not what you were looking for

speak slow, tell me love where do we go... ah ah
where do we go... ah ah, where do we go... ah ah
speak slow, tell me love where do we go... ah ah
where do we go... ah ah, where do we goooooo

speak slow!
speak slow!

Guess who

I'd be lying if I told you,
losing you was something I could handle

"Candle (Sick and Tired)" by White Tie Affair?

She has a good point

[22:52] DS: why are you talking to Roger if shes only proven to hurt you
[22:53] STL: because I am an idiot and still care about her
[22:53] DS: can you do something for me?
[22:54] STL: what is it?
[22:54] DS: the next time Roger hurts you, block her from contacting you in any way shape or form
[22:54] STL: Then I would have to now cause at this point it constantly hurts
[22:55] DS: then please do it now and save yourself from becoming depressed over her
[22:55] DS: it hurts more when the person is constantly there to remind you of the hurt
[22:56] STL: But then I'll feel like more of an ass for leaving her alone
[22:56] STL: Then the guilt and lack of knowing whats going on with her will depress me even more
[22:57] DS: there's no winning with you is there
[22:57] STL: No

Perfect in our imperfection

I eat quickly,
I breathe softly,
I love slowly,
My heart beat is usually too soft,
I can't stand the silence,
I can never concentrate on just one thing,
I'm impatient,
erratic,
patient (yes I know it says impatient just above)
Easily frightened,
Usually unable to handle hard situations,
I make more mistakes than I could ever ask to be forgiven for,
I refuse to apologize when I know I'm wrong,
And beg for forgiveness when I've truly fucked up,
I regularly make myself sick with candy,
and I can never take the last of the food from the pan at dinner,
I'm frightened of making noise,
and of being to clingy,
I'm only happy when someone is thinking about me,
and incredibly selfish,
not to mention shallow,
I have so many flaws,
like my lazy eye,
scarred nose,
and other scarred patches of skin,
dry skin on my legs,
bones that aren't quite straight,
I have a problem with pimples,
and tend to forget to brush my teeth,
I don't take very good care of myself,
and rely way too much on the scent of my shampoo,
(I'll only use it if I really like the smell)
I abuse my hair with my brush,
and almost never do my homework,
I regularly eat things I shouldn't,
and feed the dogs off my plate,
I cry when I'm angry,
and never scream,
I'm over sensitive,
and take everything as offensive,
I lie to everyone except those who are most important to me,
and focus way too much on a group of 3 or 4 people at all times,
I listen to songs that I know will make me cry,
and push myself until I have panic attacks,
I am hopelessly in love with books,
and get pissed off when I'm not the best at something,
I'm hopelessly OCD,
and tragically unorganized,
I drive when I'm upset,
and regularly break laws without a second thought,
I don't give a shit when I really should,
and I don't care enough about myself to be motivated,
I hate it when it's silent,
and go stir crazy within two days of staying inside,
I'm way too big of a fan of good sex,
and dislike boys a little too much for my own good,
I throw myself under the bus a lot,
and can charm my way out of almost any situation,
there are so many flaws,
and so many things that just make me human,
when it's all listed out it's a wonder why we all put up with each other,
we're all so very flawed,
but god damn,
I love humans for it,
well,
some of them at least.

So...

I've successfully pushed away,
pissed off
or hurt,
pretty much almost all of the people I care the most for,
to the point of them not talking to me,
how many times am I going to fuck up before I learn?
I need to get it through my stubborn skull before I lose them all...
There is a long road ahead of fixing mistakes,
fantastic,
how the hell am I going to start?

Note to self: Leaving to solve the self resentment only causes more

The title of this blog explains everything I mean to say
I kinda want to add a conversation I had with someone though.
Me: _____(insert name here)?
Her: Yea.??
Me: Um, do you know if ______(my musician) is at home?
Her: She might be.
Me: Okay... Um, how was she last night..
Her: She seemed pretty upset after she talked to you.
Me: Wait she didn't tell you what happened?
Her: Oh no she did.
Me: Ugh, I was being an idiot last night..
Her: Yaaa...idk. She's pretty hurt. It's even worse that you did it over texting..
Me: Yeah... I know... I wish I could take last night back.
Her: Well you can't. All you can do is move on and try to fix it.
Me: That's what I'm going to try and do which is why I asked you if she is home, I want to call her.

Might I add that what I was attempting to say or accomplish with that phone call failed miserably,
I couldn't even think straight,
oh and if I've forgotten or haven't re enforced this enough?
I'm an idiotic asshole.

I'm an asshole

Don't i have a fantastic way of punishing myself for everything?
I always end up hurting other people my punishments,
then I punish myself more,
in turn hurt people more,
this is stupid,
I need to figure out a better way of punishing myself than making myself be alone,
I really hope I don't regret this in the morning,
cause then I'll feel like even more of an asshole,
I'll have to add my musician to my list of people that it makes me gut wrenchingly sick to hurt,
I didn't know it would be that bad.

I'm just a worry kind of person.

Very little resentment,
I can't say none because there is a tiny bit,
simply from the pain it causes to see,
But more than anything,
I want to see you succeed,
I want to see you move into one of those houses we passed on the way to Lake fair,
A green one right?
I don't doubt you will succeed either,
and I am so glad that he is there to help you along,
for you to help along,
I was so tempted today to give you the book I just bought,
but I promised I would let Justin read it,
plus I figured I should leave you alone,
If there is ever anything I can do to help,
anything I can do,
let me know,
I'll always try,
and starting March I'll be driving myself,
I have a car that's all mine,
and my permit for now.

Self abusive, self resenting, self destructive IDIOT

First I let myself into a amazing stranger,
get extremely close,
let that stranger let me go,
give someone very possible a chance,
and can't get over the fucking amazing stranger,
can't resent that amazing stranger at all for capturing me,
hurt my incredible possible,
at the same time pushing away my little one,
whimpering after Green,
letting my peace sign get into drugs and other such things,
and torment myself with my poet for 3 hours straight,
now I have even more of a reason to cry myself to sleep,
I'm such a fucking asshole,
and now this self abusive, self resenting, self destructive idiot,
is now going to be alone for a long long while.
Fabulous...

All these thoughts fighting for attention

I keep thinking,
of how it's been these past three and a half months,
remembering little things,
how things used to be,
how they changed,
little things we remembered,
the sound of her giggling,
the feel of her hand on my face,
the taste of her kiss,
the nervous butterflies that attacked the first two days,
late night conversations,
whispered affection cause the emotion made our voices crack,
the unconditional protection,
our little debates that would spark an argument in any other couple,
pet names,
words in french,
little surprises,
teasing each other four hours at a time,
endless questions,
secretly being reminded of her by tons of songs,
the look in her eyes when I know she wishes she could break away and run to me,
the lingering scent of her perfume on the red hoodie,
clinging for dear life crying into the blue hoodie,
waking up to "good morning love" or something just as sweet every morning,
and most of all,
the sound of her voice as she says "I love you"
the emotions she let show when it was with me,
it hasn't even been 24 hours and I miss it,
I can barely see what i'm typing cause I begin crying,
as soon as I realize how much something so small,
can create a change so big...

I miss...

Running freely through the woods,
not caring if your clothes and shoes got dirty,
scabby knees,
bruised shins,
not caring if something would leave a scar,
complete dis-regard of your own bodily health,
playing on the playground and not getting dirty looks from adults,
singing at the top of your lungs and not caring if you have a good voice,
playing in the mud,
kicking and fighting over something stupid and being just fine seconds later,
my life is getting serious for my liking,
too normal,
I want to show up at someones house,
or have someone come to mine and just say,
"lets go"
and I want to just go play,
have fun,
be carefree again,
even if only for a couple hours,
that is my wish,
that would be the best Christmas gift ever,
that or spending any kind of time with the people I miss,
and the people who I haven't talked to in a while.

Unusual Date Ideas

This almost made me cry, I wish my life were more unusual, more spontaneous, I'm so excited to be getting my license

1. Go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence
2. Go to a major chain bookstore, and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books
3. Have her dress up as a ghost and you dress up as Pacman. Walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”
4. Create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen
5. Dress up as superherous and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”
6. Build forts out of furniture and blankets, and wage war with paper airplanes.
7. Try and visit as many people as you can in one night, and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can, without them noticing.
8. Go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.
9. Write a piece of fiction together. Outside at a cafe. Ask strangers when you get stuck.
10. Dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.
11. Do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. Have an unabashed good time!
12. In the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. Have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. Bring a sun umbrella.
13. Drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. With fake names.
14. Go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. Tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. Randomly cheer for both teams. Eat lots of Cracker Jack.
15. Go around the city with sidewalk chalk and draw hearts with equations inside on random things
16. Walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras
17. With camera and pair of boots, make photolog of a day in the life of the invisible man.
18. Walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn
19. Go to a restraunt and convince the cook to create something completely new for you.
20. Rent a movie you’ve never seen before. Set on mute and improvise dialogue.